[Impala]

I was just thinking about this.I've posted alot about my own situation with my friend so I'm not going to repeat it.Recently though,I've been feeling as though,in my close friendships, I seem to end up being let down sooner or later more often than not.I've been wondering why.I try to be loyal,dependable,to support my friends if they are down or in need etc but it seems that more often than not,I don't get the same in return.I've one friend who I could say I can talk to about anything and who is absolutely loyal to me.I've other friends,less close who are more "social" friends.
Reading through other threads,it seems I'm not alone in this situation.Are there certain types of people who get let down more than others? Is it the people we choose to be friends with ,that we choose the same types who will let us down?

I'd be interested in anyone's thoughts on this -I'm sick of it happening to me and I'm sure from reading that others are also fed up of the upset it causes.

[1soslow]

Thanks for posting this, Impala. My own recent events have had me asking the same questions. I tend to be an active listener and many people depend on me to hear them out, ask the probative questions, lead the conversation toward the available solutions, etc. It has lately occurred to me that I have almost no one to talk to when I'm the one who needs/wants to talk. I think that I need to be needed.

My oldest friends have been rocks to me and I don't mean to discount their amazing contributions to my life, but at times, I sense that their perspective on our relationship is that I am the sounding board and they get the floor. Or, maybe, just maybe, my issues just aren't serious enough to warrant my level of discomfort. Honestly, I do live very independently and rarely present myself as one with needs. Perhaps it's my own doing and I am yielding the crop I have sown.

I take pride in the strength and loyalty I bring to friendships, and there are many who have appreciated me for those attributes. Just now, I am learning that they're, perhaps, not good enough or adequate or something, for one of my friends, and perhaps, that old "reason" "season" thing is in play. My heart is very heavy over it and I don't intend to invest myself that deeply again, anytime in the foreseeable future.

[Perna]

When we become friends with someone, we have our idea of what that person is like, what kind of friend they are, etc. They may or may not be that person we have made them to be in our head!

I think when people surprise us by letting us down there were signs we weren't reading about that person or, in my case, there were times I didn't ask the person their point of view, just assumed it was like mine because they were my friend.

Just like us, other people can have trouble saying they don't enjoy being with somone else, don't want to hurt feelings or whatever so they don't do anything until it is so bad, they just do it all-or-nothing.

Other people not wanting to be friends with us is always about the other person, never about us! Yes we may annoy them in some way but it is their responsbility to tell us about that and/or not to "pretend" to be friends if they can't get by whatever it is annoys them!

[Junerain]

I think deep, good hearted, selfless people get taken advantage of, I see it in myself and in others......whether you're selfless with your time, selfless with your money, with thoughts and listening, with actions, or with praise or just deep down empathy it can get taken advanatge of.......Impala I do believe you are a very, very good person or this wouldn't be happening to you......

[1soslow]

Hey, Impala, I've just had an awakening! I wanted to share it with you. My answer finally came when my friend posted her feelings (sadly, to the whole world instead of to me!). I never imagined how upsetting my behavior had been to her and I am thrilled to at least now understand that she finds me bossy, jealous, controlling, overpowering, annoying and hurtful. It's probably all true and I accept that. The bottom line for me is that at least, NOW I KNOW HOW SHE FEELS!

I feel that now I can finally release this burden and move on. I think that our friendship was for a reason and it no longer exists. It's okay, I will love her forever, but I will not be in her face anymore. If she ever needs me again, I will not let her down, but I will never invest so much of my heart into that friendship. I know better now.

I have been thinking a lot about an email that goes around once in awhile, no one seems to know who wrote it:

<font color="green"> </font>

Reason, Season, or Lifetime Friends

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. She has come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. She is there to meet a need. Then without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, she will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes she dies. Sometimes she walks away. Sometimes she acts up or out and forces you to take a stand. What we must realize is that the need has been met.

When a person comes into your life for a season, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. She may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. She may teach you something you have never done. She usually gives you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons. Those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. You must accept the lesson, love the person/people anyway, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It's very liberating and I can now go on with my own life knowing that my job is finished in this season. It's good, honestly, good.

[Junerain]

How beautiful, oxbow....to take something so sad as a friendship ending and to turn it into a powerful poem like that you quoted......and it seems you have come to peace with all this....beautiful beautiful............

[tautologic]

If this is happening alot to you, then its time for some self reflection. What are you doing that is pushing people away? Negativity is a huge relationship buster. Could it be you complain too much? Are you too critical? Do you sulk or mope around? Alot of times a small tweak in our personality can lead to better relationships.

[1soslow]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Junerain said:
How beautiful, oxbow....to take something so sad as a friendship ending and to turn it into a powerful poem like that you quoted......and it seems you have come to peace with all this....beautiful beautiful............

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Thanks, June, this has been the most excruciatingly painful experience of my adult life so far. I still hurt very much from the lies and the denials. The truth may not always be easiest, but it is definitely best. The amazing thing to me is that she claimed that her lies to me, over and over, were because she didn't "want to hurt" me. To me, lying and the total, blatant abandonment without explanation was far worse than any truth she could simply have told. It was cowardly and outwardly cruel.

To publicize it in my own online community was worse than walking into my own living room and destroying it with profane graffiti. A dozen or more times, I asked in earnest if I owed her an apology and she lied right to me as many times.

I know that I am better off without her in my life, but I wish my heart would just come to terms with it. I fear that I will never, ever trust another mortal soul as long as I live.

Impala, I don't mean to hijack your thread, my hope is that we can both use our experiences to help one another let go of the demons in our hearts.

[1soslow]

Impala, I learned about a great book that you might benefit from, it's called, "What Did I Do Wrong? When Women don't tell each other the friendship is over".

It was an invaluable asset to me!

[Impala]

Hi 1soslow,
Thanks for the book recommendation-it sounds as though it might be useful to me too.Do you have the name of the author?

I'm glad that you are feeling a bit more settled about things and that you now know more about how your friend feels.Goodness knows why she couldn't tell you directly though,rather than post it on a public forum.Strangely enough,not telling the truth was also an issue in my situation with my friend and she said the exact same thing as your friend did-that she lied "so as not to hurt me".I don't see the logic on that one at all.

I'm still sruggling with my situation.I think that's probably because my friend's behaviour changed when she became ill so I always wonder whether I should "blame" her for it,and whether the person I once knew must still be there somewhere.Not that either of these things make her actions any less hurtful but I've recently been seeing how I handled some things badly and thinking over that

[1soslow]

Sorry about that, I tried to edit to add the name, but I must have screwed it up. It's Liz Pryor and I got mine via amazon.com.

I just told another friend about it who went through a cold dump over the summer and she asked me to pass my copy on to her. I think I'll ask her to send it to someone else who can use it. It might be kind of helpful to us all to symbolically send it on its way.

I know what you mean, it is very strange when a person can somehow justify lying through their teeth and blowing off a friend who needs them as somehow sparing them hurt feelings. It's a cowardly copout. The public hissy fit really told more about herself than me. Many of my community have contacted me in total disbelief that our perfect little sweetheart could spew venom like that.

LOL, I chalk it up to poor manners and inexperience in the grown-up world.

[crazybones]

sometimes it does it depends thought if they dont except u for who you r then they dont deserve to be ur friend to begin with