[summersover]

Just gonna cut right to the chase.

My husband and I have only been married about half a year. We have been friends/in a relationship for about 3 years before we got married. October 2022, he left his Facebook messenger open on my computer and I see he is sending flirtatious messages to a stripper. I confronted him about it immediately. He came home from work early and he just apologized and seemed to feel guilty. He said he messaged this person out of boredom and didn't really think much of it. However, it is February of this year, and I am still not over this because of other things that have happened.

About a month after the stripper thing, I look into the person as they are a well known entertainer in the area. I find out that they are not a woman, but are a man who is transitioning and is a drag queen. Shortly after this, my husband begins using Twitter. I notice that he followed and liked some bizarre BDSM pages and even commented on some of them trying to get money. All of these pages revolved around something called findom.

After all of this, I have just been questioning our marriage. Before we got married, everything was fine for the most part. We had fights like all couples but nothing too outlandish. Now I live in constant fear that he is hiding things from me on accounts I probably know nothing about.

And also, the whole trying to get money thing from those women on Twitter was a scary red flag, as I am the one who pays for almost everything and takes care of things. My husband works as well, but he is very lazy when it comes to chores and he has a bad history of not paying his bills. We were talking about trying for a baby starting next week but I am scared. I just don't think I can go forward with this after what happened.

Could I please get some advice? Thank you.

[Have Hope]

Um... first of all, DELAY having a baby with this man. Secondly, RED FLAGS all around. I wouldn't trust him either, after what you found out. He is either gay, or is trans himself, or something is up along those lines! Even so, flirtatious messages with a stripper are unacceptable (in my humble opinion) in a marriage & a committed relationship. I would honestly pull the plug on the marriage NOW, before it's too late, and before you are in too deep. There's too many red flags happening, all pointing to secretive, cheating behavior and also financial irresponsibility. Do you really want the father of your children to be this way? And do you need someone who can't even pay their own bills? I had that with my own husband, whom I am now divorcing, and his lack of financial responsibility created a lot of unnecessary stress for me, because I had to constantly cover his bills when he was in between pay checks. Financial irresponsibility alone is a huge red flag. So I would seriously reconsider this marriage of yours, consider getting out now and I would definitely not have children with him.

And sorry you're going through this! How disappointing for you... I'm so sorry!

[*Beth*]

I don't think this needs to be a "my way or the highway" situation. Obviously your husband is interested in BDSM and findom (being financially dominated by a Dom). Do you think his interests began after you married, or did you have any clues before your marriage? I think it would ultimately be a mistake, if you "file for divorce immediately!" as some people may suggest. If you truly love him, or are in love with him (do you? Are you?), a divorce won't stop your feelings. A divorce would only confuse things.

When people have a serious relationship with someone, they usually find out that their partner has some things they don't necessarily like or condone. I've never in my life seen a couple that agreed on everything 100%; I doubt such a relationship exists. But, I've seen many couples who work together on an addiction (substance use, alcohol, sexual issues).

It's my belief that one of the wonderful, positive things about being in a relationship is that a relationship challenges us to do our own self-growth.

I strongly suggest you have a sit-down and a civil discussion with your husband. Don't accuse or judge; put that on a shelf during the discussion. Listen to him, and to his reason(s) why he is visiting the findom sites, etc. A lot of what's going on may be rooted in your husband's childhood experiences.

And, plenty of couples are into BDSM or other alternative ways of expressing fantasies. If you are, great. Whether you are or are not, I do believe that marriage counseling would be a terrific way to work on your marriage, communication, financial stuff, etc.

Good luck!

[Open Eyes]

I advise not to plan on having a child with this man.

It sounds like he wants to have someone else foot the bill while he plays his fantasy life.

[Mendingmysoul]

It will be wise not to bring children into the picture right now.Be careful and observe his behaviours. I am guessing having a child was his idea.Some of men who are very secretive about their sexual preferences and fantasies try to create an image with a wife and children. They don't want the world to know this side of them.. You need to see if you are ok with that.If you find ,he has tastes that don't align with yours, you may want to get away from this relationship. Situation may become complex, if there is a child.

[divine1966]

I think it’s important to know your deal breakers and have specific boundaries and standards before you marry. It depends what you are ok with.

Personally I am not interested in marrying a man who flirts with people, I don’t care if they are strippers or CEOs. I have no desire to be with a man who doesn’t pay bills, doesn’t help out and asks random women for money. He works too but you pay for everything? Not my thing. Some women are ok with it. And some women might find my husband boring as he’s just a regular person.

So you have to figure out your deal breakers before marrying. Some things pop up here and there like maybe leaving dirty dishes in the sink kind of thing. What you described didn’t just pop up. You’ve been only married 6 months. No way he completely changed in 6 months. You just didn’t know him well enough.

You just have to decide if that’s the kind of husband you want. While you deciding it, I don’t think having children is wise. If he doesn’t help out now and you pay for everything, it will get only harder with kids are in the picture.

[Rive.]

He is *not* trustworthy. He has secrets. He does not seem committed to the relationship with you.

Do *not* bring a baby into the world when your relationship with this man is so fragile. Unless there is clarity, love, reciprocity commitment, it is not a healthy relationship. What you have with this man does not seem to show this. Get out while you can.