Complicated situation

My wife and I have been in our relationship for 18 years. Just recently she connected on Facebook with an old highschool friend. She has been dealing with some emotional issues for some time and this friend was a good sounding board. When he revealed that he had feelings for her, it was if she was thrown a life line and she has decided to leave me. My big dilemma besides the emotional pain is that we have decided that we need to stay together for financial reasons until we can make renovations on our house and sell it for a profit. If I could I would leave today but I also need that money to move on. As she continues to build on her new relationship, the conflicts keep interefering with my ability to move onto an emotional phase that sees her now as just a friend and roommate. I could use some good advice . Thanks

This sounds as though it must be quite painful for you. So sorry you have to deal with this.

It might be too late, but maybe there is still an open door to keep your marriage intact and make it better...

Have you been to counseling sessions - either by yourselves or together? If not, I will suggest you do so.

Can you ask yourself some hard questions and honestly answer? How many times have you not been fully there to help her through her emotional issues? Why weren't you there for her? What held you back? Are you able to help her, or does it scare you?

Connections on FB with old friends is fun. But reality is that we change a lot over 18 years. And as much as we might dream about that time in our lives, the reality of meeting up again rarely meets our expectations.

Wishing you the best.

Sorry to hear this happened to you.

Wow. I'll be sure to follow how you are doing. I am struggling with the same type of situation -- staying in the house together when my husband says he wants to leave. He put a deposit on a townhouse that won't be complete until August. It is March 4th! I am trying to focus on taking care of myself, being a better person. Just struggling with when is enough enough? It's a good idea to get some personal counseling, if you haven't already. It helps to have a different perspective than your own or your spouse's. Keep us posted and hang in there -- Jaime

Leo, Unfortunately, it's too late for any repair. Even if my wife finds out that her new relationship doesn't work, she realizes that she's done way too much damage to fix. I've done some serious soul searching and asked myself those hard questions. She is 15 years younger than me and when I met her I had just gotten a divorce. She pursued me and against my better judgement, I ended up falling in love with her. Because of my own family situation, I was never exposed to outward signs of affection between my parents. I tried to show my wife as best I could how I felt about her. Early in our relationship, I wrote her letters which was the easiest way for me to express the feelings I had a hard time saying verbally. When I met her, she gave the impression of an independant, tough girl with a sarcastic wit. My reluctance to start a relationship with someone so much younger than me was another reason that I felt I couldn't show outward signs of being madly in love. So we became the closest of friends and eventually married.
When I try to think about occasions where I wasn't there to help her through emotional issues, nothing comes to mind. Obviously, I am not a therapist and she never came to me with what were outward signs that the demons from her past were causing her pain. The reasons that she tells me now for wanting to leave is that she feels the only way to correct her emotional and physical problems is to have the chair pulled out from under her. To start from scratch as it were. Although that isn't quite what she's doing, I think she is almost embarassed to admit that her problems have become too overwhelming and she doesn't want me to see that she is in fact very vulnerable and it will be much easier to start a new relationship where she can be the softer more needy person that maybe she never wanted me to see.
It saddens me deeply to think that she can't let me be the person to help her with that because I would never think of not being there for her.
And so now, I am trying to cope with the idea that she is still my closest friend but has found someone else who she feels will be the person she really needs.

I am somewhat fortunate that my brother is a therapist and deals with many people that have marital issues. Even he sees this as being quite a surreal situation but still is able to give me some advice although a little biased. The discussions I have with my wife are usually centered around our different perspectives of the relationship.
Leo, I have asked myself every question about what I could have done to make her feel more loved. Although I have great shortcomings in the area of showing outward affection, I never turned my back or showed anything but concern for her emotional issues. Unfortunately she is the kind of person who denies that mental therapy does any good at all so there were limits to what I could actually do to help her. Her strong independant personality kept her from even admitting until recently that she felt very troubled about her life. When she re-connected with her old highschool friend on Facebook, I'm sure she conveyed some of those issues. As everyone knows, it's very easy to be caring and sympathetic and say all the right things when you chat online. When he expressed his feelings for her, I'm sure she saw it as a lifeline to pull her out of her troubled state. It breaks my heart to think that he has taken advantage of someone that I care so deeply about who is in a very vulnerable place right now but all my concerns have fallen on deaf ears. In her mind, this person is going to be her savior and for her sake I hope at least he will be able to give her the things that I couldn't.

vborans - thank you for giving us more details about the situation. You sound like a solid, rational man who has given his best try. That's all any of us can do.

You don't mention if you have children together. If you don't, my advice would be to start moving on and living the life you want to have and don't get hung up about maintaining a friendship with her. That could just extend the pain, and possibly put you in a position where she might think you are the "safety net" she can return to if the new relationship doesn't work.

(If you do have children together, please let us know. Advice will be different).

Last thought - your age difference sends up flags for me. I know it works for some people, but in my experience it seems that either the younger is looking for a "parent" figure, or the elder is looking for "lost youth".

I am hoping you will understand that I have absolutely no intention of judging anyone or their choices with my comments. Just want to throw thoughts out in hopes that my comments are helpful. Many times the empathy behind our black and white written words get lost.

I agree with what Leo said. From what you say, your wife seems unwilling to acknowledge and work through the problems she is dealing with, both personally and maritally. Perhaps she was looking to you because you are older to fill those gaps. Until she focuses inwardly on herself and does some work, she will repeat the same pattern. Running away to another relationship where she can start fresh will not work. She needs to run to a therapist's couch -- don't allow her to engage in friendly conversations with you about this. Set your boundaries and let her work through this on her own.

Easier said than done, for sure. Good luck to you.

Leo,
No children just a bunch of pets.
I certainly wasn't looking for some lost youth aspect of my life since she pursued me and I was very reluctant to get involved. She is very intelligent so the age gap didn't play much of a factor, although I'm sure I have very likely lost much of the physical attributes that she was attracted to when she first met me. I don't think she would be so shallow as to leave me for that reason alone but I'm sure it plays some small role. I am making every attempt to move forward with my life but the complications of our living together is a double edge sword. I still enjoy her company and we are friendly enough that it I feel as though I am not going through this alone. On the other hand, she has someone else in her life which is something that is always present. A sticky situation at best and I'm trying my best to maneuver through it without compromising my sanity.

I think you have some excellent responses here dealing with the emotional side of this situation. As to the logistics of the original question - living together for financial reasons when the relationship is in in turmoil or even over, as well as a new guy in the picture for her...wow. I am in a vaguely similar situation - details differ, but I find myself still living with my STB Ex while I pursue a divorce. It is very, very difficult, and not particularly healthy for either of you unless there is a tremendous amount of communication, compassion and understanding there - in which case the relationship might not be where it is in the first place.

My recommendation would be - even though you indicate you are both still there for financial reasons - that one of you needs to find a way to leave. Stay with a friend or relative, find a very, very cheap apartment or room for rent on Craig's list - anything. Just because you both have a financial interest in seeing the renovations on the house completed doesn't mean you both have to reside there. I realize the alternatives are not appealing because while you still have the house it's difficult to afford anything that you would normally consider acceptable, but just remember that it is a very temporary situation - a short-term sacrifice so that you can both better in a better financial situation in a few month.

If there are literally no alternatives for either of you, then you need to have some very frank and honest discussion of ground rules and expectations of behavior from both of you while in this weird situation.

Best of luck, and sorry that things reached the point that they have.

Neuromancer,

Thanks for the words. I think the hardest part of this situation is the fact that there is so much emotional baggage that all 3 of us are carrying. My pain of loss and feelings of betrayal, the other guy's desire to start his relationship and feelings of breaking up our marriage, my wife's guilt and feelings of being caught in the middle. It's inevitable that there will be some very trying times ahead for all of us.
My guess is my wife will be the one to leave sooner. I just don't need to make more moves than necessary and I don't think I should be the one inconvenienced. I know peace of mind is something that needs to be at the top of my list and that is why I'm trying to be as understanding as humanly possible but still letting my wife know what things make me feel uncomfortable. I know most people would get as far away from a situation like this as possible but since it isn't something I asked for or expected, I don't feel that I should be put out any more than I already have been. It's a difficult road with plenty of hazards in the way but I don't know that taking detours will get me to my destination any faster.