[LiteraryLark]

Both my mom and my grandma have told me that "You're an adult now, you don't need to inform the other what you do, just listen and do what you want to do and try not to please everyone because it's YOUR life."

I do admit, I try very hard to please both my mom and my grandma, yet they both have very conflicting views of each other, and yet I try to please them both at the same time. If I try to please them both, one gets disappointed more than the other. They also complain I try to "poll" them both which leaves us all miserable.

I don't get how I can be my own person and still please my mom and my grandma. I often feel like an alien, most definitely the black sheep of the family. How do I please them both while putting myself first and doing what makes me happy like an adult? Is it wrong to be 30 and still wanting to please your family???

[Bill3]

In the past, especially when you were a child, what happened if you displeased them?

[poshgirl]

Can relate to your situation!

There comes a time when you need to follow your own path. They're right, you are an adult now and will have your own aspirations, standards, etc. You are an individual, not a copy of them. Very often there's a misplaced sense of duty to parents.

You don't need to tell them everything you're doing, be selective. Seeking advice from either may not always be the best move as it will have the usual "family bias".

Seems they're happy for you to take hold of that freedom. Go for it!!

[divine1966]

They contradict themselves. They want you to make your own choices but then act disappointed. Or you think they are disappointed?

What kind of ways are you trying to please them? Like do nice things for them or make life choices you think they’d like? Also I think sharing is ok and is a bit different than informing of your plans.

I have a daughter and two stepdaughters, all in their 30s. They share things with us and sometimes ask for advice but in general they don’t try to please us with their choices or inform us

[ArtleyWilkins]

Don’t ask for permission. You can share what you’ve done, but the only person you need to have full acceptance from is yourself. You won’t and can’t please everyone all of the time. You CAN have confidence that the decisions you make for yourself are true to yourself, and you don’t need to apologize to anyone who disagrees.

[LiteraryLark]

There's a few things, in response to everyone...

My parents never seem to be pleased with any of my choices, and I have spent my life fighting for their approval. My parents tend to rub my bad choices in my face and say, "that's why you need us, you can't function without us" but then turn around and say, "You need to do this on your own and stop asking for advice."

My grandparents have always been very encouraging and supportive, but the thought of disappointing them would be heartbreaking to me.

I just don't understand how to be more independent and not rely on my parents so much.

[Bill3]

My grandparents have always been very encouraging and supportive, but the thought of disappointing them would be heartbreaking to me.

What might they be disappointed about?

I just don't understand how to be more independent and not rely on my parents so much.

Also, I poll them for really big things and very minute things.

I just feel I've been plagued by making so many bad choices that I'm afraid to make any choices without polling my family.

If you were riding a bicycle and got hit by a car, you might be very skittish about riding a bicycle again. You might have to practice first again, in a safe place like an empty parking lot or a very quiet street.

I wonder what you would think of practicing making small decisions on your own? You would go out of your way, at least once per day, to decide something without consulting any of them, and not tell them what you did. You would do this consciously, purposely.

If you ended up consulting with them, or telling them afterwards, you would just note that, not judge yourself, and commit to trying again on the next day.

What do you think?

[divine1966]

I think the only time you should inform them or ask a permission if it’s something they are paying for. Otherwise let them be disappointed. They’ll get over it.

Well now I think it depends if they have expertise on something you don’t. Actually one of my stepkids does ask for specific opinions quite a bit.

Her dad medical and mine educational because she trusts our opinions and because she made some very very bad choices in the past that will follow her for the rest of her life so she tries to ask what people think first. Sometimes she listens and sometimes she doesn’t. But that’s a different situation I believe from what you described. “Dad I quit my meds cold turkey for no reason and now am very sick, should I see my doctor, go to ER or restart my meds or just keep being sick?”

Are you talking about extremes like this or “mom and dad should I buy new shoes”?

[Rive.]

How about you do things that please *you* going forward.

You are an adult and as long as you are not harming anyone, you are allowed to make your own choices. They are also adults. So, if they behave like children (e.g. disappointed you are not doing what they want) that's on *them*. Ignore them.

It's *your* life and *your* choices. So, stop giving them so much power over you.