[jesyka]

A small group has friends who I introduced each other to never ever say they’ll miss me whenever I can’t get together with them. They always say that to each other though.

I’m also the only fat woman in the group who’s not into excercising unlike them. I have started hanging out with a good friend more in the last few years & have spent less time with them. I’m NEVER ever asked about myself.

This one lady talks about the same irritaring stories about her horrible boss & her health issues all the time. No one cares about me it seems like. They usually act bored or feign politness temporarily when I talk about anything.

These women are older than me & in their mid to late 50’s btw. They mostly like boring stuff like bingo. It seems like they’re trying to subtly let me know that I’m not liked & that I’m merely being tolerated out of obligation or guilt. I have stopped hanging around them as much & stopped initiating plans like I used to.

They usually waited for me to contact them until I spoke up. I hate doing things early unlike them & have made that known.

They are boring most of the time but I said nothing. They usually want to go to the same places or nearby places if they dare to try any new place.

Everything has to be done in a group & I’m a one on one person unlike them. Why are they doing this to me?

[divine1966]

If you find them boring and uninteresting and clearly dislike them, why would you want to hang out with them? They don’t do things you like or do things wrong way and they are into things you aren’t interested in and they have nothing in common with you etc

It’s not the first time you are upset that groups of people don’t accept you or otherwise treat you bad, but then you describe them like they are pretty much either boring or flat out bad people and you don’t even like them. Why would you want to be with them? I think dislike is mutual as you also just tolerate them.

It’s like if you were upset that a guy didn’t want to date you but you don’t even like him yourself! Then what does it matter?

That’s off topic but I laughed about bingo. Bingo? I am in my late 50s and the only bingo I played few times is Drag Queen bingo we have in town, it’s a hilarious entertainment and focus isn’t really on bingo but more on a comedy! My friends range ages between 40s and late 60s and no one plays bingo. Where do they play it at? Weird. It must be regional. Nothing wrong with being bingo lovers but I’d not be interested either

You need new friends. Or new groups. Have you tried meetup? Might not always meet people to be close friend with but plenty of social or hobby groups to hang out with

[jesyka]

I see what you’re saying. I do like certain things about them. I just feel like they don’t really like me as every friend that I have now except for two of them never ask me anything about myself All they do is talk about themselves mostly.

Either that or they only focus on the one oerson who talks about the same thing all the time., I listen to people but most of them don’t want to listen to me. I feel like most people don’t care about me at all.

And I’m irritated that I’m the one who usually needs to accommodate everyone else’s schedule most of the time. I feel like I’m doing most of the intiating & offering support & it’s causing me to become bitter & resentful at being mistreated & ignored most of the time.

I tried, I really did try. Most of the people that I meet are just selfish. It’s gotten to the point to where I think I’ll completely give up on everyone & stop trying to make any new friendships. I keep on attracting the same self absorbed types most of the time, ugh.

I don’t like meetup. It’s cliquey, people already know each other, I slways get ignored in groups, so I stopped gping to them. Meetup is not good for shy introverted people.

I never heard of drag queen bingo btw. How does that work? lol.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by jesyka

I see what you’re saying. I do like certain things about them. I just feel like they don’t really like me as every friend that I have now except for two of them never ask me anything about myself All they do is talk about themselves mostly.

Either that or they only focus on the one oerson who talks about the same thing all the time., I listen to people but most of them don’t want to listen to me. I feel like most people don’t care about me at all.

And I’m irritated that I’m the one who usually needs to accommodate everyone else’s schedule most of the time. I feel like I’m doing most of the intiating & offering support & it’s causing me to become bitter & resentful at being mistreated & ignored most of the time.

I tried, I really did try. Most of the people that I meet are just selfish. It’s gotten to the point to where I think I’ll completely give up on everyone & stop trying to make any new friendships. I keep on attracting the same self absorbed types most of the time, ugh.

I don’t like meetup. It’s cliquey, people already know each other, I slways get ignored in groups, so I stopped gping to them. Meetup is not good for shy introverted people.

I never heard of drag queen bingo btw. How does that work? lol.

It’s just being led by a comedian/entertainer who’s a Drag Queen. People play bingo but it’s with entertainment so bingo itself is just a twist. Here is the one in Australia

Drag Queen Bingo - Hahndorf.

I don’t see meetup as place for groups where people already know each other. At some point no one knows anyone. Or some groups are new. So no one would know anyone. How about book clubs? They are appropriate for more introverted people. Or anything like knitting or craft groups? Do you have any hobbies? Is there a community center by you you can join and take classes?

Well you say you are shy and introverted and don’t like groups yet you seem to want to socialize with groups. It might not be your thing then. It’s hard to make friends as we get older. I get that

[Discombobulated]

It’s hard to know exactly what’s going on from just reading this. But I can see that you’re becoming resentful of being constantly the listener/supporter and you sound like you feel like your needs are being ignored with the people you hang out with.

It’s possible that because you’re by nature a quieter person that they might’ve wrongly assumed you’ve got nothing to say? That can happen especially with less emotionally aware people. So they could just be the wrong fit for you.

I find big groups not the best fit for me either, it’s okay if there’s a purpose ie sports activities, but in conversation I’d feel lost. Have you thought about what sorts of activities and groups might work for you? Divine makes some good suggestions.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by divine1966

It’s just being led by a comedian/entertainer who’s a Drag Queen. People play bingo but it’s with entertainment so bingo itself is just a twist. Here is the one in Australia

Drag Queen Bingo - Hahndorf.

I don’t see meetup as place for groups where people already know each other. At some point no one knows anyone. Or some groups are new. So no one would know anyone. How about book clubs? They are appropriate for more introverted people. Or anything like knitting or craft groups? Do you have any hobbies? Is there a community center by you you can join and take classes?

Well you say you are shy and introverted and don’t like groups yet you seem to want to socialize with groups. It might not be your thing then. It’s hard to make friends as we get older. I get that

That sounds cool. I’d like to check that out sometime. As for meetup., I’ve been on there for over 10 years. I’ve tried going to many different meetup.s. And yes, most people DO know each other

Here are a few awful experiences I’ve had:

Not one person but the organizer talked to me in a group of 50 plus women at a restaurant ‘. So I left early. And of course I never went back.

A friend & I went to one wiomens meetup & no one talked to us so we left.

Forget any club as it involovs groups & I despise all groups. I ALWAYs get ignored, by everyone but one person who maybe feels sorry for me. I tried talking to other people, but no one really wanted to talk to me

I was once interrogated by this woman at a table about what I do for a living. It was awful! She asked very detailed questions. I was vague as I didn’t work at the time.

One other time in a large womens group at a restaurant, I was talking to one lady & then the organizer rudely cut in multiple times even though she was already talking to a bunch of other women. She interrupted me.

Then she tried taking pics of everyone candidly. I told her that I don’t like having my pic taken but she jarassed me to death to be in it. I was so upset that U left & never came back to that meetup. My boundaries were disrespected & violated. No means no.

I’m in this friend group as none of them EVER want to socialize outside of the group one on one. I tried & they always ask if so and so could come too. Please don’t trll me to suck it uo. I look fat & ugly in pics. I’m self conscious about my weight & how I look. I usually end up having a weird, stiff or stupid expression on my face too.

It’s very annoying. They know that I’m not a group person, but they don’t care. Their attitude is that they’re accomodating me just by agreeing to meet me no earlier than 1p.m for lunch as I’m not a day person.

This one lady is usually pushing to get her way at sll times by asking to meet earlier & that she can’t make it thst day if we don’t accomodate her preferences .

She doesn’t work & she doesn’t have kids or go to school or do any volunteer work, so it’s all about her preferences.

Why would I wsnt to socialize in groups if I’m constantly getting ignored sside from my current situation that I don’t have much of a choice about?

They’re OK for going to the movies or a convert with. I dont hang out with them ss much now as I have this good friend I definitely prefer to hang out with one on one. She actually listens to me & doesn’t just talk about herself or other people ad nauseum.

Also, I feel that mist people dislike shy introverted people too. I probably will give uo 100% ar 50 years ild on even making ANY effort whatsoever from now. I’m obviously not a likeablr person no matter what I do.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

It’s hard to know exactly what’s going on from just reading this. But I can see that you’re becoming resentful of being constantly the listener/supporter and you sound like you feel like your needs are being ignored with the people you hang out with.

It’s possible that because you’re by nature a quieter person that they might’ve wrongly assumed you’ve got nothing to say? That can happen especially with less emotionally aware people. So they could just be the wrong fit for you.

I find big groups not the best fit for me either, it’s okay if there’s a purpose ie sports activities, but in conversation I’d feel lost. Have you thought about what sorts of activities and groups might work for you? Divine makes some good suggestions.

You’re absolutely right about what you said. Maybe some people do assume that I have nothing to say. They don’t bother trying to get me to talk by asking ANY questions which irritates me. They obviously only want to talk about themselves.

I will stop intiating or even trying to make ANY effort to make ANY new friends from now on. I’m a lost cause I guess. No one likes me. I only have one good friend who actually asks me any questions. She doesn’t judge me unlike everyone else. She knows that other people make me feel ignored & unappreciated.

Why would I want to torture myself more fornothing? Would you bother working for free? That’s what it’s like for me, unpaid work. It’s not worth the constant stress & rejection at all.

I despise all groups btw. I always get ignored in them. Always. Either that or sime obnoxious person steals any attention I get from anyone. See what that rude meetup organizer lady did above.

I recently tried meeting other women one on one on nextdoor & so far out of 5 women, no one contacted me back except for one lady. One flaked on me teice. Two of them are iffy as they both had family emergencies & wouldn’t be available for weeks. It could be true or it could be a bizarre brush off. Only time will tell which is which.

These things make me a lot more depressed & anxious. So I’m done, eff it. I’m going to quit for good if things don’t work out with those few women that I mentioned.

I’m just going to become so angry & frustrated that I’ll snap eventually at someone who pushes me to far soon. I alresdy told that mooch lady what I thought of her yo her face from another thread, lol.

[ArtleyWilkins]

You say you don’t like group socializing, but you keep putting yourself in social group situations.

You have a good friend. Go with that. Enjoy each others’ company. Plan outings for the two of you. It may be that along the line you may encounter an activity that you enjoy AND it involves a few more people and perhaps eventually more friendships might evolve. But your hostility towards other people seems pretty high right now (at least as you communicate it here), and it is possible that you may be giving off a vibe when you are in groups that you don’t like them (and you may not even realize it). It happens. It’s kind of natural I think when we’re predicting things won’t go well.

I don’t have a lot of close friends. I have always just had a few. I’m okay with that. I’ve learned to socialize in the context of a few activities that I enjoy, and I have built some lovely friendships with people in those activities, but they are limited to those activities (which is completely fine).

I think there is this perception that everyone has lots of friends, but the reality that I have seen is that most people have a very small number of truly close friends (often just one or two) and the larger group of people most socialize with is largely limited to certain activities (in other words, they aren’t really close friends, but more like activity-centered friends).

So I have my church choir friends. I have my work friends. I have my chorus friends. But none of them are particularly besties. In fact, I would say that right now my besties happen to be my sister and my son. They are the ones I truly talk to about very important and personal things. I’m good with that at the moment.

Your good friend sounds like a truly great person, and that is quite special.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

You say you don’t like group socializing, but you keep putting yourself in social group situations.

You have a good friend. Go with that. Enjoy each others’ company. Plan outings for the two of you. It may be that along the line you may encounter an activity that you enjoy AND it involves a few more people and perhaps eventually more friendships might evolve. But your hostility towards other people seems pretty high right now (at least as you communicate it here), and it is possible that you may be giving off a vibe when you are in groups that you don’t like them (and you may not even realize it). It happens. It’s kind of natural I think when we’re predicting things won’t go well.

I don’t have a lot of close friends. I have always just had a few. I’m okay with that. I’ve learned to socialize in the context of a few activities that I enjoy, and I have built some lovely friendships with people in those activities, but they are limited to those activities (which is completely fine).

I think there is this perception that everyone has lots of friends, but the reality that I have seen is that most people have a very small number of truly close friends (often just one or two) and the larger group of people most socialize with is largely limited to certain activities (in other words, they aren’t really close friends, but more like activity-centered friends).

So I have my church choir friends. I have my work friends. I have my chorus friends. But none of them are particularly besties. In fact, I would say that right now my besties happen to be my sister and my son. They are the ones I truly talk to about very important and personal things. I’m good with that at the moment.

Your good friend sounds like a truly great person, and that is quite special.

I have only put myself in one group situation because no one wants to socialize outside of the group like I said. I will never wver introduce friends to each othrr to avoid this from occurring again

Maybe my annoyance shows through in groups. I’m not good at hiding my feelings. I purposely kept my only good real friend away from the group of friends I have now. I didn’t want her to spend less time with me. I know it’s a bit selfish, but I can’t loose what I have.

She’s usually busy most of the time. No way am I sharing her with my selfish friends who never introduced me to anyone in the 4 or 5 years I’ve known them aside from this outdoor game group.

I’ll only try to make friends with people who also want to hang out with people one on one who are similar to me as far as shared interests & values go.

Grouos are definitely not for me. I tried, but I never ever for in no matter what. The ladt group I was in was for a board game group & the organizer who was my former friend said that mist of the people in it complained about me trying to ‘change ’ the group which wasn’t true.

I only said yes to playing a party game when asked & somehow they twisted that into me wanting to change their mostly boring strategy game group into a party only game group.

lol 😆

And her other friends complained about me more, by saying that I’m not easy going & the other woman blocked me from a group text just for complaining about my weight.

She said it triggered her. She didn’t have the guts to talk to me about that. I wouldn’ve stopped talking about my weight if I was aware of how sensitive she was to the topic of weight. Rude! Wth? Ugh! Weirdos! lol 😆

That’s good that you have activity friends. This small group I’m in is still OK for activities, but definitely not for talking about personal matters. They tend to change the subject to quickly I noticed.

One of the women in the group gives me a judgmental vibe. Especially about weight as she has looked at me funny a lot by giving me up & down looks.

She recently stopped. Maybe one of the other lafdies toldher how it made me feel. I did tell her to stop doing thst once, but she didn’t stop that until recently. She is a skinny weight obsessed fitness instructor.

Weird! No one ever stuck up for me once. They denied even seeing anything although she did it right in front of them!

I can tell the other two women don’t want to hear about my problems. I need to kerp things fairly light with them.

My one true friend is a diamond in a world full of rocks. She feels the same way about me too. Her & I go to concerslts together. She’s open to going to new plavces unlike most people I know.

She has been through a lot too & understands what it’s like to suffer from anxiety, depression & being bullied & mistreated too.

[Molinit]

Originally Posted by jesyka

My one true friend is a diamond in a world full of rocks. She feels the same way about me too. Her & I go to concerslts together. She’s open to going to new plavces unlike most people I know.

She has been through a lot too & understands what it’s like to suffer from anxiety, depression & being bullied & mistreated too.

I would be glad for the one friend and stop trying to fashion the friend "group" into something you would like them to be.

[Mendingmysoul]

I too had bad experiences in some of the meet up groups, specially the larger ones.When I joined I noticed they already formed tight sub groups and you couldn't squeeze in into one.They would give dirty looks ,if I introduced myself and tried to sit at their table.I thought I would be accepted after some time.But didn't happen.I still attended and was mocked at by a couple of women.I was isolated .I realized those groups were not for me.What is the point of being in a large group,if you are made to feel alone.I simply stopped going.If groups doesn't work for you,it is better to keep a couple of good ones.Those are enough I think.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

@jesyka, you mentioned a lot of all-women get-togethers and meetups. Some of the dynamics you are irritated by are more likely to occur in all-women groups. Why don't you try co-ed meetups instead? You might find them more to your liking.

[Discombobulated]

I’m so sorry you and Mending had such horrible experiences with Meetup. I’d actually wondered about trying it sometime but this has made me think again.

You sound really hurt, I wonder if you need a good chunk of time and effort just to recover from these experiences. It doesn’t have to be a negative/sad thing it can be a positive ‘being good to Jesyka’ thing, walking away is sometimes the most positive thing you can do.

How do you feel about the advice you’ve got here? Such as enjoying the friendship you do have. One good friend is worth more than 1000 fake ones I’d say.

[Mendingmysoul]

I would like to add another experience of meetup. I joined a hobby group ran by a man.It was a mixed group.I liked this group and nobody was toxic towards me.But later I was told there were these two women in this group who were fighting for the attention of the group leader who was single.He was a nice person and was being really friendly towards me.That is when I was told( warned) about the two contenders already trying to win him over.I was not there to look for a romantic interest.I continued attending because the group was nice overall. But soon enough I didn't want to caught up in triangulation because people started noticing he was being very friendly to me.I might end up getting caught in the s#@t storm of jealousy from these two women. So I stopped going.

[Mendingmysoul]

Discombobulated, you can still try meetups and see how it goes for you. Not everyone will have the same experiences. It just didn't work out for me.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Molinit

I would be glad for the one friend and stop trying to fashion the friend "group" into something you would like them to be.

I’m not trying to change them. They’re obviously set in their ways.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

I would like to add another experience of meetup. I joined a hobby group ran by a man.It was a mixed group.I liked this group and nobody was toxic towards me.But later I was told there were these two women in this group who were fighting for the attention of the group leader who was single.He was a nice person and was being really friendly towards me.That is when I was told( warned) about the two contenders already trying to win him over.I was not there to look for a romantic interest.I continued attending because the group was nice overall. But soon enough I didn't want to caught up in triangulation because people started noticing he was being very friendly to me.I might end up getting caught in the s#@t storm of jealousy from these two women. So I stopped going.

Sorry to hear that. You did the right thing. Jealous women are dangerous.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam

@jesyka, you mentioned a lot of all-women get-togethers and meetups. Some of the dynamics you are irritated by are more likely to occur in all-women groups. Why don't you try co-ed meetups instead? You might find them more to your liking.

I have tried coed meetups. The same thing happens. I gor ignored in a movie group before. Seats were saved for everyone but me & orher people had people to talk to but me. I tried to talk to people with no success.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I’m so sorry you and Mending had such horrible experiences with Meetup. I’d actually wondered about trying it sometime but this has made me think again.

You sound really hurt, I wonder if you need a good chunk of time and effort just to recover from these experiences. It doesn’t have to be a negative/sad thing it can be a positive ‘being good to Jesyka’ thing, walking away is sometimes the most positive thing you can do.

How do you feel about the advice you’ve got here? Such as enjoying the friendship you do have. One good friend is worth more than 1000 fake ones I’d say.

I was hurt. I did walk away from meetup. I am spending less time with these friends from the grouo as I’m sick of mostly bring ignored. I’ll make an excuse to leave early the next time that self absorbed lady starts whining about everything in her life agsin. My god, she needs a therapist, not friends , lol 😆

[Mendingmysoul]

I sometimes chuckle, how I couldn't hang on to the group I actually liked .Because I was able to back off before the @#$t hit the fan,I still only have good memories of being in that group which I cherish.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

Originally Posted by jesyka

I have tried coed meetups. The same thing happens. I gor ignored in a movie group before. Seats were saved for everyone but me & orher people had people to talk to but me. I tried to talk to people with no success.

Oh, one would feel crummy after such an experience. I now concur with the recommendation above to invest into the relationship with the one true friend that you have rather than try to diversify by forming shallow connections (which you cannot actually form at the moment).

[Tart Cherry Jam]

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

I would like to add another experience of meetup. I joined a hobby group ran by a man.It was a mixed group.I liked this group and nobody was toxic towards me.But later I was told there were these two women in this group who were fighting for the attention of the group leader who was single.He was a nice person and was being really friendly towards me.That is when I was told( warned) about the two contenders already trying to win him over.I was not there to look for a romantic interest.I continued attending because the group was nice overall. But soon enough I didn't want to caught up in triangulation because people started noticing he was being very friendly to me.I might end up getting caught in the s#@t storm of jealousy from these two women. So I stopped going.

@Mendingmysoul it is a shame that the jealousies of these two dueling women prevented you from having fun. It should not be like that: you should be able to enjoy yourself and eff their jealousies. I did in my twenties something similar to what you did and many decades later am regretting it.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam

Oh, one would feel crummy after such an experience. I now concur with the recommendation above to invest into the relationship with the one true friend that you have rather than try to diversify by forming shallow connections (which you cannot actually form at the moment).

Yeah. I think they were trying to tell me that I wasn’t welcome there without having to kick me out of the group. The two organizers talked to everyone but me. Weird!

[Mendingmysoul]

I get it when you say how you were made to feel not welcomed. That's how I was made to feel too. And the lady who was the organizer just sat with her own group and didn't care much about anyone else.

[Mendingmysoul]

TartCherryJam, that's ok for me to stop going.I still have good memories of being in that group.I avoid confrontations. I already suffer from a lot of trauma.I can't handle more.The reason I joined groups at the time is to find a distraction to heal.What is the point of going ,if more trauma and drama is coming towards me?