Why do people get so uncomfortable when I obsess over them?

I agree with Nammu. Change can happen, but only if it comes from you.

THIS. It's exactly how I feel about Ruby's situation too.


Ruby, things won't change unless you decide to change.

Yep I agree, there's a lot more going in other people's lives than most realize. Most people just don't show it, dumping all your crap on someone is definitely energy draining. I'll admit I used to think it was okay to vent a lot but not to the point of being obsessive, those people started pulling away. I stopped immediately, I learned it wasn't okay so I haven't done it since. In the rare cases I do vent now, it's super brief and I usually wind up retracting what I said later on by saying everything is actually fine now so I'm not seen as a complainer in another person's eyes.

Yep and I'll admit, I learned this the hard way myself when I was in high school. I wasn't obsessive but I did vent to those who said it's okay to open up, they clearly didn't like that so I stopped immediately. Work is no different, coworkers and supervisors don't want to hear the negative stuff in your life. It's one thing to share news of a wedding or something else really positive but even that should be on a basic level, anything negative just brings everyone down.

As other posters have mentioned, just because someone says you can vent to them doesn't mean it's okay to. Most people say that out of politeness and they secretly hope you don't actually vent to them about your problems, trust me I learned that the hard way when I was in high school and I wasn't even obsessive. I know it sounds harsh but no one wants to hear about your problems, even people outside the workplace usually don't want to hear it and will pull away as necessary. The reason your coworkers like each other is because they most likely don't divulge their negative personal lives to each other, maybe they'll talk about the positive stuff which is more acceptable but the negative stuff needs to be kept outside the workplace.

Divulging your personal life creates a toxic environment, it brings others down and even makes others uncomfortable. When you're at work, you're expected to be focused on work and actually doing your job. It sounds like you're doing everything but your job, you're so focused on your personal life that you can't even do the basic stuff your employer expects you to do. Also telling someone that they're their 8th favorite person is just so toxic and rude, I would've pulled away too and telling someone they better stay good actually comes off as threatening so they have every right to stay far away from you and you need legitimate professional help from a licensed therapist.

Another example: I keep personal stuff out of the workplace, and when my angel Ebony died in my arms at the vets, that was one of the only two times I told the supervisors at work anything about what was going on, thats simply due to the fact I was in such turmoil inside of me, I wasn't able to do all my work at the speed I normally work at, I had to keep giving myself a few minutes to calm myself so I could carry on with my work.

The friend I said about in my posts, tbh I'm having to actually pull back myself cause the more reassurance I give her, the more she seems to need. I can't give her the amount of emotional support she needs, it sounds like its the same with you at your place of work, ruby. Everyone's pulling away because they are unable to give you the amount of help and support you need. I would be there for my friend as much as I could, but it's reaching the point with her that I can't give her anything more cause she's draining so much mental energy out of me.

Thats why I think if you need high levels of support, its best to speak to a professional, not rely on people who are not trained in mental health, to give you all the support you need.

Rather than overwhelm others that you work with, why not post here or somewhere else where you are anonymous.

You can even start your posts with "Dear X (colleague's job title)" and post away what you would like to share with them. That way others can engage with you or not. They can choose if they want to read your posts.
No one gets overwhelmed, and you can talk about whatever is bothering you. You never know, you may get some great feedback on how to deal with whatever is bothering you.

There are people here who have great insight and a desire to help others. Take advantage of that.

Good suggestion rocky

Dear ruby,if you didn't like what ever posters were suggesting ,what is that you expect to happen in your situation? I mean what could be the solution according to you?Just curious.

Brilliant!

Yep that's really the only time it's genuinely acceptable to divulge negative stuff happening in your life, only those who truly need to know should know. For me, I only told my supervisor and a secretary who manages bereavement forms that my grandparents passed just so I can get the appropriate days off which was just one day for me. Some coworkers like telling everyone that someone passed away and talk about their feelings, I know some people want to get their feelings out but I think it's inappropriate to do so in a work environment especially if you work in a school like I do. People don't realize that most coworkers really don't want to hear about negative stuff going on and if you must tell then keep it very basic, even your closest friends outside of work may not want to hear it as harsh as it may sound.

I agree, people can only take so much negativity. In fact, being around someone who is negative all the time can make you depressed as well. I've had to pull away from people who were constantly negative, you did the right thing by pulling away. Worst thing anyone can do is bring that negativity in the workplace, it's just not professional.

I understand now that when my coworkers told her their problems, it was only once in a while, not all the time. But how was I supposed to know then? I’m the only one at work thst she deleted on Snapchat. She stayed good towards my coworkers and still exchanges snaps with them, even the others who Favorited her.

She don’t even care about me, right? Just like the GM at Arby’s.

She's not a professional, she maybe feels she can't cope with your problems as well as her own?

Have you spoken with a psych or counsellor?

I’m in therapy once a week because of her. She cares about my coworkers but not me. The past few months it caused my anger issues and I yell at coworkers and be snarky to customers. Had so many customer complaints already. As of yesterday, I’m snarky with my favorite person as well. She’s the first favorite person I had that I’m snarky with and I shoulda done that with the lady at arby

Ruby, you don't take responsibility for your poor behaviors. "I'm in therapy once a week because of her". NO. It's because of your poor boundaries with your manager that you need to speak with a therapist. "The past few months it caused my anger issues and I yell at customers and be snarky to customers". NO. As a result of you pushing the boundaries with your manager, and as a result of you demanding so much attention from all those you admire, you act out your hurt feelings and you act out your anger with your customers and co-workers.

No one causes your anger issues - you act out your emotions and take out your hurt feelings on other people which always gets you into trouble in every job you've had, which inevitably gets you fired!

You have a therapist. Inform the therapist of this issue with yourself... please work on taking responsibility for your actions and for your own hurt feelings. Stop acting out at work. Work on talking through your hurt and angry feelings in therapy.

Oh my goodness, yes!
There are so many people who need to take this advice!

You will never admit this, but you use your anger to try to bully people into doing what you want them to do.

One day, you're going to be "snarky" to the wrong person and that is going to result in physical harm to you.

Also, bullying other people can cause them to develop mental health issues themselves.

Ruby please get help for your anger (talk to your therapist) before your anger causes irreversible (spelling) harm to anyone, yourself included

I think people are eventually getting uncomfortable with you because they start to see a pattern in your behaviours and your anger issues too.You are taking out your anger on unsuspecting strangers that are your innocent customers?wth?

I lost all ability to control my feelings. So from the time my favorite person deleted me on thanksgiving last year, I kept trying to reason with her. I told her 8 others i favorited didn’t stay good and they all broke me. That included the lady at Arby’s. I asked her to pls don’t become like them.

I gave her reasons I NEEDED to tell her my problems all the time. I even said other ppl only occasionally tell her their problems cuz that’s all they needed. They didn’t have 8 ppl hurt them. Basically thst I did nothing wrong.

She seemed to “get it” at that moment, but reasoning with her ultimately made her worse. So anger is now my only recourse.

You may need another person, but if that person does not want to be needed by you, they are going to withdraw from you.

I think your best recourse us to continue to work on healing and growth, so that you don't feel a need for co-workers or other inappropriate people.

You need to develop more self-reflection and self-awareness.

Blaming other people for how you feel and then lashing out at other people because you cannot control how you feel (which you blame on other people anyway) will keep you repeating the same pattern in every relationship - professional or otherwise.

Have a good look at yourself and your patterns. Then change IF you want others to respond to you differently.