Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

I think only a lawyer could knowledgeably speculate if you would be entitled to more, and that would cost you for an investigation. I would suspect it would depend on 1) when your ex knew about the money and 2) the fact that he didn't include it (I assume) in his financial details, and possibly 3) the fact that you are now out of work. I think it might depend on the individual judge, if it goes to a judge.

I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to pursue it, yet it would also be reasonable to let it go and move on. I do think it's despicable what he did, however I don't know the legalities of splitting that kind of money.

I think the main thing is not to second guess yourself. If you want to pursue it, then do. If you don't, then don't think about it anymore.

For your mental health might be best to move on? As long as you're not going to "what if" yourself.

@Samicat, thanks so much for your thoughts.

Mom says I could threaten him (ie, that I will take this to court again) and ask him for more money. I could tell him, give me 10K more, or I am pursuing this in court.

I did speak with another lawyer. She said I COULD get him into legal trouble if I pursue this. She didn't tell me how much I would be eligible for... she asked me how much I think I should get.

I've read more on the subject. Given that he omitted the inheritance from his financial statement, which could have been deliberate and likely was, this bolsters my argument, in addition to me being unemployed. A judge would take into consideration all factors. I live in a 50/50 state, so who is to say that I am not eligible for 50%?

Then again, I've read that if an inheritance is received after divorce proceedings have begun, that it's harder for the non-inheriting spouse to get some of it and that it can be considered as separate rather than a part of the marital property to be equally divided.

I think that a judge may rule in my favor though, since he excluded this from his financials and since it could be deemed as deliberate.

I could file an appeal and pursue it. The second lawyer also wants to charge a $7500 retainer. I have other lawyers to speak as well with that were referrals.

An additional 10K would get me out of debt. And it's all debt that I accrued during my marriage.

That's not how the legal system works in my state. I wouldn't have to give up any of my own future inheritance, which may not even exist when the time comes.

Yes, his dishonesty went unpunished, and it doesn't sit well with me that he got away with it. And no wonder he was SO upbeat after our hearing! It's because he got away with lying, and now I see that. I had been wondering at the time WHY he was SO happy after our hearing was done. This is why!

I absolutely believe that you could and should get him in trouble for lying. Possibly hiring a lawyer is a good idea. I always thought it was the right way. Guess you could also demand more money from soon to be ex. But it’s still not addressing his lying. The only way to address lying is to through legal channels and let lawyers handle if

Well 50/50 doesn’t literally means that absolutely everything is to be split in half. It’s not how it works. Judge looks at all different aspects. Also unless MA is vastly different from other states, inheritance is not marital property.

But again if the goal is to make him face consequences for lying, legal routes is the way to go

MA IS a different state.. I've read that an inheritance, depending on when it was received, can be considered marital property in a divorce.

I will speak with more lawyers next week. A couple owe me a follow up call.

Well let’s see what lawyers say. In most states it’s not marital property.

Yes. And, I just spoke with my sister who is a corporate lawyer. She said she wishes I had spoken to her before accepting his offer of 17K. She said I should have negotiated for more. I7K was the amount HE came up with because he said that it's the maximum you can give without it being taxed. Well, then I read that money exchanged or given in a marriage or divorce process is NOT taxable gift money. So, once again, he lied about this being "gift money" that could be taxable if he gave me any more.

I'm just really upset about how this has all unfolded.

It shouldn’t be surprising. He’s a con man. You will have to hire an attorney if you want more. If you can’t, then I would take this as “lesson learned” and leave it behind.

Keep in mind hiring an attorney is going to cost money. Is the 7500 just a retainer fee? That doesn't mean that's all it will actually cost you. Beside the cash and fees above and beyond the retainer fee, there are your personal values to consider.

You either trust what you previously said about being satisfied with what he gave and trust that's what's best for supporting who you are as a person.

Or, you get help to pursue getting additional funds and trust that's what's best for supporting who you are as a person.

I have perspectives on both sides of this choice.

He IS a con man, and yes, having to shell out more than you $7500 is not something I truly wish to do. Yes, $7500 is just the retainer, at least with two law firms that I've spoken with so far.

My domestic violence center is giving me referrals for pro bono lawyers, I do believe. That could be the better avenue.

That’s true. Married people (even in the process of divorce) can give each other any amount of money with no tax . It’s not the same as others giving you money. If married people couldn’t freely transfer funds, it would be truly messed up.

It’s upsetting. You can’t win with a con man. You’ll always end up screwed no matter how you go about it. The only somewhat safer way it’s a legal route (but even then con men might get out of obligations). Scammers will be scamming

I hear you.

I am now trying to negotiate an additional 10K with him directly. I don't want to have to pursue this legally and pay a lawyer if I do not have to. But I could potentially get a pro bono lawyer, if my ex refuses on the 10K.

What’s he saying to that?

He says he will speak with his brother and lawyer and will get back to me next week.

Brother lol what’s his brother to do with it. He’s full of it.

He’s claiming that his brother is executer and is monitoring how he spends the inheritance money. Which makes no sense. They each got a share. Why would his brother be in charge of his share??

He isn’t. It’s another lie. He thinks you are stupid. It was life insurance and it is no one’s business how it’s being spent. Or even if inheritance. His brother isn’t in charge of it after it’s been dispersed. Next thing he’ll tell you that brother isn’t allowing it lol

Well, let's reframe it.. he knows I'm smart, but he thinks he can outsmart me and he thinks he can get away with all his lies because these are typical narc behaviors and traits -- they think they are superior to ALL, above the law, and above all repercussions. Typical narc!

He’s very manipulative. But he is getting sloppy with his lies. He makes less and less sense. His brother monitors how he spends inheritance money. Ok now

Right???

My mom just told me that I am blackmailing him, and that that is a crime. It's in writing what I just said to my ex about me potentially nailing him to the wall legally for perjury. I asked him to settle this outside of court and to give me the 10K I ask for.

Well your mom on to something. Telling him that if he doesn’t cough up the money, you’ll do XYZ kind of does fall into category of blackmailing. And it’s a crime. Honestly either go through legal channels or let it all go. I’d not continue asking him for money in exchange of your silence. It’s a slippery slope. Ask your sister what she thinks you should do. She knows the law

Oh man oh man. Well, he's committed perjury, so I am threatening to reveal the perjury, which is a crime. I'm gonna shut up about it and won't text him anymore.

Well it’s one of those cases when two wrongs don’t make it right in the eyes of the law. Threats to expose someone aren’t blackmailing. What makes it blackmailing is involving money. He did commit a crime so it would be fine to threaten to reveal perjury. Like if you said “I am hiring a lawyer and I am going to expose you and” or “if you don’t reveal your lies to the judge I’d know you are a jerk” it wouldn’t be blackmailing. Saying you’ll keep it quiet if he pays you, makes it blackmailing.

Just go through legal channels. But now he again has upper hand because he now has your texts. Anyways you can’t win with him trying to beat him at his game. Go strictly through the lawyers/courts etc

All I said was that it would be wisest if we handled this outside of the legal system. I did not say, if. you pay me, I will keep quiet. I still think I have the upper hand, actually. I can also report his lawyer for unethical practice. His lawyer told me not to tell the judge that I lost my job, and clearly was protecting my husband's interests.

Well yeah you should bring it up to a lawyer that he lied about inheritance and that the mediator advised you wrong. Let them figure it out