Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

Thanks but no, I don’t wish to hear it and thank you for being sensitive to ask first. I’m very fragile right now and could easily interpret it as victim blaming, as you stated.

He even used my father’s death as a way to manipulate me into believing his lies. He told me yesterday that on his death bed he had promised my father he would always take care of me.. so he wants me to believe this is the case and has been all along. Bs.

Also, to let you know.. your tone comes across as slightly condemning. I am STILL in the divorce process.. it’s not over. We JUST had our divorce hearing last month. I am STILL processing everything and am still in the midst of the emotions surrounding divorce.

I will take as long as I need to to get through this and to process my emotions, and no one should be judging that. No one. It can take years to get over and heal from an abusive marriage.

Considering all that I’ve been through, I think I’m holding up pretty darned well and am getting through it as best as I possibly can considering that I also lost my job and am dealing with all the stress that involves too.

And I am proud of myself for calling him out on his bs. I think I should be applauded for not letting him get away with it - I’m patting myself on the back at least and I’m proud of myself. And that’s all that matters.

I have every right to be angry and I am doing a lot of self care. However long it takes me to get past the anger is my business and no one else’s. It’s healthy I think to allow oneself to work through it. And that can be a slow process. Who are you to judge that process?

I took myself to the beach yesterday and today. Today I went roller blading.. I tried yesterday but it was too windy so I just sat and had lunch at the beach. Now I’m waiting to have lunch again at the beach.. it’s very cathartic for me to be in the sea air. After lunch I think I’ll walk the boardwalk if it’s not too windy.

I apologize for offending you. I didn't intend that with my suggestion. You are absolutly correct that getting past anger can take years. I'm personally on year 9 and wish now I had started 12 years ago dealing with it.

Then I hope I can say something without offending you.., ? but I think you are projecting your own issues and harsh judgements against your own healing process onto me.. 12 years… are you possibly judging yourself??? Please don’t do that to yourself… we heal and process on our own timelines. And it’s OK. 🤗🤗🤗🙂🙂🙂

Be kind and compassionate with your own healing process. Abuse is complex, and has an enormous and profound impact…. However long it takes, it takes. Hugs to you and to you own healing.

I'm not offended at all. I'm much farther along in my personal healing process than I share here. Obviously, I didn't word things clearly in my attempt to support you through these difficult times in your life. I've experienced some of the same things you are now going through. My intention was to share things that worked and what I learned along the way. They may not work for you and that's ok. I don't have a horse in your race as they say. That doesn't mean I don't know how to ride a horse or win a horserace.

You are free to be you and make your own choices. I hope you make the best ones for you.

I think getting angry now is appropriate. This whole time hope was focused either on needing ex’s support and being love bombed by him or worrying about upsetting him and find excuses for his behavior. Finally feeling angry is appropriate at the moment. Especially since she is people pleaser. Maybe this anger would finally help her to move on. Now if a year from now hope posts that she is full of anger and can’t function, I’d be concerned. But divorce isn’t even final yet.

Thanks so much, and yeah, I hear ya. Honestly, what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another person. We're all so individual and healing is a personal/individual process, contingent on many factors.

I appreciate your desire to help, based on what's worked for you. It's a natural inclination to share what's worked or lessons learned along the way.

Initially when you stated I am responsible for how I feel and if I continue being angry, it's only going to give him more control.. well, that's not how I see it, or that was my initial reaction.

Yes, I agree that we are each responsible for how we feel..

but emotions cannot always be contained or controlled.. and we have to roll with them and work through our emotions as they arise.

And as Divine just said, being angry at this stage is appropriate, and I agree. He doesn't need to be privy to my emotional process or upset. It's something that I need to work through, now that I recognize that I am in fact, very angry.

I honestly have not been in touch much with anger in myself most of my life. Anger was dismissed and buried in my family. I buried it by becoming depressed, by self-medicating with alcohol or drugs, and by developing an eating disorder.. I am still learning how to acknowledge, process and deal with anger. It's not a comfortable emotion & I am very used to burying it. Now I wish to learn how to deal with it in a healthy way. Today, I went to the beach and went roller blading. That helped!!!

Glad you had a good time. Exercise is a great way to work out emotions. Also writing in a journal could help.

Thanks!

You know what actually helps me the most? Is talking it out.. on here, in a journal on my own, with my family members, with friends, and tonight I am joining a narc abuse support group. Exercise certainly helps, but I need to process it all out loud and with others...

So, I've pulled a muscle roller blading.. in my groin and it hurts quite a bit. I've signed up for a group hike this Sunday... it's a four hour long hike. I was sooo looking forward to this, but if my groin is still hurting by Sat, sadly, I may have to skip the hike. And I really wanted to hike!!!! This would have been my first time hiking since 2017.

ARGH!!!!! I'm frustrated....

I know I am out of shape, and I should have stretched before I started roller blading, so it's my own fault for not stretching.. I'm used to my body being far more limber than that, and able to bounce back from being out of shape very easily and quickly. But now that I am 52, it's not and I am angry at myself... just one more thing to feel down on myself about. Awesome.

On a separate subject, Jay M. has been gone since Sat, on his sailing trip in the Caribbean. He's called me 3 times on video so far. But I've noticed he is otherwise not very engaging over text.

I met another man named Jay T. last Sunday at a show. We've met before and were already Facebook friends, but we hung out on Sunday and we've been talking over messenger every day since. He is very engaging over text and is asking me lots of questions about my life to get to know me better. He tells me I am beautiful, adorable, and amazing, after sharing details of my life history with him.

Jay M. doesn't say much like that... in the beginning he did and told me I am an amazing woman, but he hasn't said anything complimentary since then, except for once when we went out and he told me that I looked "incredible" that night.

It makes me wonder if Jay M. is truly interested in me or invested in getting to know me better. I sense a LOT of interest from Jay T. I told Jay T. I am dating someone, so he does know about the other Jay...

Jay M. did say that he wants to see me as soon as he returns and he talked about making plans for the weekend he is back... so, there is that at least, and he has called me over video 3 times so far.

I could be reading into things...

I mean, he is busy being a crew member on a sailboat and likely cannot spend much time sending messages while also sailing (I imagine). They stopped at an island and went to the beach yesterday. He told me they met all kinds of people & he and his cousin made friends with a couple people and went to dinner with them. I didn't ask if they made friends with females, males or perhaps a couple vacationing there. His cousin is over 300 pounds and is married... Jay M did tell me before he left that he wouldn't be "babe shopping" while in the Caribbean, but my imagination is running wild and I cannot help but wonder if he is .... he told me last night that he had an "interesting night" and that he would tell me about it tomorrow since I was already in bed... I wonder what "interesting" means.

My point? I don't want to be chasing a man or longing for him to be interested in me and invested in getting to know me better, if he isn't that invested. But it's really hard for me to tell right now with Jay M. I'm getting a mixed bag of signals.. which is making me question and guess about his level of interest in me...

when we are together in person 1:1, he is very engaging with me, but doesn't ask me many questions about myself or my life.

And then there is Jay T. who clearly IS interested and who is very engaging with me, asking me many questions about myself and my life.

I don't know what to think.

Jay 1 (Sail boat guy) is not a long term material in any shape or form. I need to hit the road for work so I have no time to type much but trust me unless you want casual fun, this isn’t happily ever after story

Jay 2 I know nothing about. Is he in a relationship? Why talking on messenger? That’s weird. Love bombing right away is a little suspect. You aren’t dating. You told him you are dating someone else and here he goes: beautiful amazing adorable. Hhmm. Uncomfortable.

I think because you tend to put a lot of emphasis on what men say, you need to pay double attention to all other things about them. Anybody can say anything. And sneaky men (your husband for example) know all too well what women want to hear.

I personally would try not to worry about men right now. Too vulnerable. Easy to fall prey to love bombing. Still angry about ex etc I’d take time off from men

I hear ya.. but, I want to keep seeing/dating Jay M. to see where it goes. I like him and am enjoying my time with him when we do meet up in person. I am ready to move on in my life, despite any lingering feelings towards my ex. I will watch out though...

Jay M just called me from the boat, and we had a really nice in depth conversation! I am SO glad he called and it was great to hear from him.

Jay T? Maybe he is love bombing me a bit? I will be cautious.. he is strictly a platonic new friend right now.

And by the way, when I saw my husband to transfer the money at the bank the other day, he asked if I was happy about the money I was receiving. And the answer is twofold: yes and no. I gave him a funny look and told him that I could have gone after far more, but am choosing not to. And it is my guess that a judge would rule in my favor and give me a larger portion of his inheritance since he omitted it and that could be perceived as deception and perjury.

I talked to my mother about this at dinner. To pursue this more legally would be a negative on my mental health. And it would incense my ex, igniting a war between us. I don't need that, and I don't need him sharing personal info about me to all our mutual friends, which is precisely what I know he would do because I've asked him to keep certain things only between us. He knows exactly where and how I am vulnerable, and in knowing how vindictive & vengeful he truly is, I know he would use these things as weapons against me in a war.

No thank you.

It's done, it's over with and there is zero reason for us to be in touch any further, and I've told him this on no uncertain terms. We're done.. and I am moving onwards and upwards!

AND.. a good, positive thing going on. I am going to lead a workshop at my friend's farm in one month on happiness.. I have a blog and a facebook happiness page and she asked me to lead a workshop, so I agreed!

I understand you're trying to recover and perhaps your job search is just getting lost in the mix because the immediate financial issue is solved, but I would mention that the longer you go without a job in this economy the harder it's going to be to find one. It was difficult before and I would make time every day, at least 6 hours daily, to either apply for jobs or brush up on skills needed to find the kind of jobs you are looking for, preferably both - maybe 3 hours applying and 3 hours brushing up.

Perhaps you're already doing this and if so, pardon my mentioning it. We're looking at an economy that is getting worse and right now even if you're putting that kind of time in it could be fall before something suitable is offered.

I'm already doing this. I haven't posted about it, but I am applying daily, which was/is my goal. I am also working on my coursework.. the class I am taking to brush up on my skills and strengthen where I showed weakness in my last role. Thanks..

And, I'm celebrating again. I have now lost a total of 18 pounds!!!! I am 2 pounds away from reaching my goal, which is to lose ALL the weight I put on while with my ex a-hole husband. It feels so good to achieve a goal and to fit into my old clothes again.

This trip that Jay is on feels long and it's only been 6 days. He keeps me updated with which islands they're on each day. He seems to be having an amazing time. I'm envious. I would love to be on a multi-million dollar sailboat in the Caribbean. He's lucky. I told him before he left that it's an adventure of a lifetime.

We've kept in pretty close touch and he's called me four times this week, more than he's ever called me. He says he wants to see me as soon as he returns, which feels good. I have good feelings about him. I'm enjoying him.

He's been super supportive & understanding around issues concerning my ex. He even told me it's OK if I still have some feelings for him, but I told him I do not. I said that I care about him as I would care about any human being on this planet. But given how my ex seriously tried to swindle me, I don't care anymore. He can disappear for all I care, and I would be content and happy to never run into him again.

Everyone here has told me repeatedly to block him, and I finally have, and for good. Shutting the door once and for all feels like solid closure. I called him out, then blocked him.

BTW, did I ever tell you that his lawyer friend used to pay for hookers, behind his wife's back? YES. That shows the lawyer's character. I know, I know.. I never should have agreed to hire him. It was a mistake, in hindsight. But back in Oct I thought it was a pretty simple, cut and dry divorce and that I didn't need to pay for my own lawyer. In hindsight, I could have borrowed the money from mom to hire someone else, but then I would have just added to my pile of debt. Anyways, what's done is done and we're getting a divorce for only $1500 total, split between us. That's a pretty cheap divorce!!! It will finalize in August. Four more months until it's official. UGH. The waiting period SUCKS. I want it done now.

And I am sure my ex will move on and find another vulnerable victim. Poor woman... I already feel badly for the next because they have no idea what they're getting into. And now that my ex has all this money, he has the means to wine and dine the next victim to no end, and that woman will probably be eating it all up.

I wonder how long it will take the next go around for his true colors to show? Weeks or months? I saw red flags within a matter of days.. in the early days, he was telling me how loving and faithful he is (GAG!), what a good guy he is, and how he would NEVER hurt me, make me cry, or cheat on me... and he did all THREE!!!!!! I've reminded him of this, and have told him that that was all a big fat lie. It was all a part of the facade that he portrays...

Even today, he wants me to believe he's a good guy, when all of his actions demonstrate and prove the opposite. He kept telling me that he's a good person, ever since we split up. Oh yeah? He lied to me repeatedly, broke promises repeatedly, hurt me, insulted me, screamed at me, gaslighted me, blamed and accused me, attacked my character, cheated on me, restrained me physically every morning against my will, and created nasty, knock down drag out day-long fights. Then he swindled me, the final blow and icing on the cake. Yeah, what a good guy he is!!! He's delusional. He's a total con artist.

The cognitive dissonance is lifting. That's the confusion & conflict that the victim experiences due to the constant pattern and vacillation between mr. good guy and mr nasty...

I see mr nasty and I see the facade, his false image that he portrays to the outside world.. so keep fooling yourself into thinking you're so wonderful... his friends say that it's MY loss. HA! Yeah right. Definitely HIS loss.

I am speaking with my abuse advocate today for a counseling session. I need it. The domestic violence center is covering my heat and electric bills, how wonderful is that???? They've been a Godsend through the years... I don't know if I could have survived this without all their help and support.

In addition, I have come back to life since leaving him and it feels AMAZING. I am taking care of my health needs, I am losing weight, I am starting to exercise and do the outdoor activities I love and have neglected since being with him.... I am also doing teeth whitening next week. My teeth are discolored and it's been bugging me for YEARS. I got a special discount, 50% off!!!! So I will only pay for $200! Awesome!

So, I am feeling GREAT! I feel like my old self again.. it's like the happy cells in my body have sprung to life! I have a whole new outlook and a brand new me... an old me, but a brand new me.

And, I will be leading a workshop to help others feel better about themselves and their lives in May... that could potentially lead to individual life coaching, if I decide to offer it.... all is good!

However, the whole inheritance thing doesn't sit well with me. I've been thinking more about it, and I'm having a negative feeling and reaction. I mean, he DID try to swindle me, deceive me and screw me over financially. That doesn't sit well. And what if legally I am entitled to more?? What if I had been given more by the court IF he HAD included the inheritance in his financial statement? Then I’m screwing myself over by only accepting 17k.

I don’t think you are entitled to more or possibly to anything unless you also pledge to give up your inheritance when time comes. Having said that, his dishonesty is an issue and it went unpunished. But to address his shadiness you had to pay a lawyer, which you didn’t want to do. So I’d let it go and focus on finding a job. That’s done and over with