Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

I am starting a new thread.

To summarize what's been happening lately:

I am going through a divorce with an abusive narc husband. I've had enough and left him for the second time in October. He moved out. Our divorce will finalize in July.

Hubbie has been trying desperately to hold on, and I am trying to maintain boundaries, which has been very hard due to his consistent love bombing and me being in a vulnerable place in life. I am not good at boundaries and am working on that.

I met and unexpectedly am starting to date a new guy, Jay, but I don't know where it's headed. It's been about a month. We are not committed yet. He has talked about moving to the Caribbean and is taking a sailing trip for two weeks on April 15 to check things out. He lives 2.5 hours away from me.

I was let go from my job in January due to my skill set "not meeting their needs", and I am looking for work. I am desperate for work, but I am also being slightly picky because want a great employer where I will stay and grow for years to come.

A couple of interviews have been rough due to what happened in my last job (I took a medical leave early on and my job completely changed as a result). I am taking a course to strengthen areas where my last employer said I was weak. I am hoping this will help.

I am looking for a roommate. Right now, I live alone, I am on unemployment benefits, and cannot meet all my expenses. Mom is helping to lend me the money to make ends meet, and I will have to pay her back.

I am looking for compassionate support through all of the above life transitions. I am very fragile & vulnerable at this stage, I have made mistakes along the way, and I am seeking compassion and support for my position in life vs. criticism....

from a surprise layoff to looking for work again, transitioning from marital status to single status, dating after divorce, and dating after abuse.

So, since being let go from my job in January, I have reached out to four different colleagues from my last job to either get a recommendation for my LinkedIn profile, or to network.

Not ONE person has responded to me, except for my boss, who only replied to my 1st email. I sent a second note to him just recently with additional questions, to which he did not respond.

It's maybe inappropriate for me to reach out after having been let go, but I had hoped there would be some amount of compassion and support for me in my plight.

I asked two people and neither one will reply or even agree to write any positive remarks on my behalf... I was very engaged in the work, I always met every deadline, and I carried a positive attitude and a team player mentality in that job. I also had, or so I had thought, a positive rapport with my teammates.

Couldn't someone write some nice words for me as a favor? I am appalled by the lack of response and by the unwillingness to help me.

I am feeling extremely dejected as a result of this ghosting. It's demoralizing and a most terrible feeling.... what the heck? Am I that terrible of a person????

AND....

I had a good time with Jay the other night. He came over Wed night after a show, and we had a great night together. I feel good about things right now with him. We cleared up some of my questions, which mainly had to do with wondering if he wants to continue to get to know me, and hang out more together.. and he does.

He kisses very differently than my husband, and I appreciate it. My husband was not a great kisser -- it could be a chemistry thing, but with my husband, it was always wet and sloppy. With Jay, it's very deep, passionate, slow, and sensual. I really like that.

Who knows what will happen with Jay... he says he cannot wait for me to visit him in NY, where he lives.

Did I kill my own thread?

I think I am having a nervous breakdown. My anxiety is through the roof.

Nothing is working out lately.

I had a roommate all lined up before April 1,. and my landlord screwed it all up for me.

I'm being questioned and interrogated about my last job in interviews.

And now, my mother is telling me she cannot afford the monthly cost to support me, AFTER I've already signed a year-long lease, and AFTER she already advised me to stay in my apartment, AND SIGN THE LEASE.

We are talking it through on Easter Sunday, but at this point..... I am losing it.... I am barely able to hold it together.

Anyone have any thoughts as to why my entire team at my last company is ignoring me? I don't understand it.

To answer your question, I am not the people you worked with, but my personal policy on writing recommendations for people are only for very close colleagues and relatives I know very well. I personally would not write even a vague recommendation for anyone, friend or not, who was asked to leave for any reason, even a bad job fit.

Again, I can’t speak for those people and have no personal knowledge other than what’s been written here.

Thank you @Molinit, this helps me to understand their possible perspective. What you say makes sense and it is feasible that is their same stance... TY!

I'm not sure my perspective about your last job is going to be recieved well. I think your best option is to not count on references or referrals. I think when asked about that job, you should have a simple honest answer and change the focus on the question.

I had a coworker at my previous employer who was in a similar situation, but for different reasons. He was fired for good cause despite having excellent performance. Officially it was called a mismatch between skillset and company needs after restructuring. The truth is he was insubordinate and had a tendency toward violent outbursts. Our VP decided it was better to lose 1 person than lose 25 people who refused to work with him But the HR team advised everyone who he had worked with to not respond to emails, texts, etc through any work accounts or keep any professional connections. If they chose to communicate or supply a reference, it must be using personal accounts and devices, and not on company time and without reference to the company we worked for. I'm not saying this is the exact thing that happened to you. I'm saying perhaps you aren't fully aware of your former employer's perspective of your time with them. The why you can't count on their support needs to take a back seat to the simple fact that you can't count on it, so don't.

I doubt that job killed your career. I think it simply impacts the way you leverage it in a job search. If you admit it was a bad fit and all attempts to make things fit didn't work, then talk about what you are doing to be a better fit for your next employer, you are showing personal growth, awareness and a willingness to adapt. These are soft skills employers look for in candidates.

Did you ever find out if your state offers reemployment benefits to those on unemployment? It really was very helpful for me to practice interviewing skills and framing responses to certain questions with someone who was more experienced at interviewing.

I can't really comment on your mom and that situation, but I can see how your mom changing her tune would impact your anxiety level. I think talking it through will be good. Good luck and I hope it works out ok.

@RollercoasterLover, actually, your response is very helpful to me! TY!

I had wondered if they each have been advised to not be in touch with me. However, about a month after being let go, the VP of that company reached out to tell me he was sorry about what happened, that they appreciated my contributions, and asked if I needed any job referrals.

This email from the VP came before I contacted my boss from the same company, informing him that I felt I had to fib to prospective employers about what happened there and also letting him know that one employer may contact him to ask him about me. I have since, sent a second email to the same boss, just recently,. informing him now that I am no longer lying about what happened, I am telling the truth and if someone calls him, can he speak to my strengths, just to confirm because he already told me he would.

My boss replied to my first email and not my second. He told me that he will not lie if asked a direct question about me, that he would speak to my strengths, that he wishes me success and has no animosity towards me. However, he did not reply to my second email, where I told him I was no longer fibbing. I thought he'd appreciate that, but no word back.

So I've been wondering if all there have been advised not to speak with me anymore.

Unlike your story of the guy who was insubordinate, I was not that way.... there was one time in the beginning where I put off a task onto someone else that I thought could do a far better job, and when I got called out on it, I made sure to be an extra hard working and positive team player after that. I did everything I was asked to do, and did not repeat the behavior. And I had done that because I didn't have confidence I could do the task.

That is also possible- that there is either a written or unwritten policy that they go no contact with former employees - even people who leave on the best terms.

Yeah... or with those that they let go because they were not a good fit.

But perhaps it's because I initially told my boss I was fibbing about what happened there because I was in a pickle and didn't know how else to handle it? I don't know... maybe it's a bit of both reasons.

It’s hard to know because honestly it sounded kind of dysfunctional at that workplace, they would say one thing and do another.

You know.. you are SO right!!! I hadn't thought of it before and from that angle, so thank you for pointing this out to me. They kept telling me for months that they would give me clients, and never did. They told me lots of things I could become involved in, which my boss never followed through on. So, yeah, they would say one thing and do another.

This week has SUCKED.

First, no one replies to me from my last job - not one person is willing or able to help.

Next, my mother retracts her offer to help me pay for my apartment. She said, go ahead, sign the lease, I will cover you. Now she says she can't.

Then, my cat tore up my favorite genuine black leather coat.

And just to top it all off, Jay seems to be more distant lately from me.... he is not as engaging over texts, he is not replying to some texts, and he doesn't seem to be initiating texts lately too.

WTF. I am about to implode. I cannot take or bear anything else..... I am so done with negative crap happening in my life, repeatedly. I swear, I feel cursed.

When did you sign your lease? Is it still within 3 days? I thought you could cancel a contract within 3 days.

April 1st. Today is the 8th, so it's far too late.

My other question is, what is the cost to break the lease? Is it a penalty of 1 or 2 months (painful but doable), or are you obligated for the entire year?

I'm obligated for the entire year....

Is it possible to get a new roommate? That would be a big help. Or your crazy landlord now having issue with it?

I don’t know about your mom but I wonder if when she suggested helping you, she didn’t ask what would be the amount of monthly help. She probably thought with a roommate it would be a couple of hundreds a month. But you said it is 2.5k a month (unless I read it wrong), and that’s just not affordable for anyone. I wonder if that’s why she is backing out. Not from helping you but from giving such high amount.

Hoping for it to be resolved with a roommate!

Giving references and recommendations is tricky.

Years ago we had somebody let go at work and she was suing for “unlawful” termination-in her eyes. It was lawful and she didn’t win. But it was a long drawn law suit.

She made all kind of attempts in collecting facts and evidence from people to use in her lawsuit. Things she did fell into stalking category but asking for recommendations could fall into it kind of like “see I was asked to leave but now these people give me recommendations which means I am good, they now have to take me back or pay me 1mil for pain and suffering”

Not saying you are doing any of it but people don’t know. In addition, they don’t suppose to know why you were asked to leave. It shouldn’t be public knowledge. For all they know it could be for a misconduct or insubordination or for something completely awful. Sometimes administration gives a bogus reason so people don’t really know what happen for sure. Again not saying that’s what happened with you, but how do they know?

Now there are circumstances when I’d give recommendations to someone who was asked to leave IF I know them for years and am very close with and could 100% trust and know for a fact it was unlawful termination. In your case it was short lived employment and they don’t know you well at all.

I’d not expect referrals or recommendations from them. I’d just get it from all previous jobs. This is just one job

Yes, this can be resolved with a roommate, and my mom then wouldn't have to give me 2.5K per month to make ends meet.

I have one woman who is interested... I posted on several of my music Facebook groups, and she is on one of them.... I am speaking with her today.

Yeah... you make valid points. I think they were told not to reply to me. That's what I am guessing....

I am just hoping that by admitting to my boss that I was fibbing, it won't hurt me any... I mean, I did tell him later on that I was no longer fibbing, which should make me look better in his eyes. He used to be a very understanding person, as far as I could tell,. and he cared about my personal well being. I think he would be understanding of the fact that I panicked and didn't know how to handle it at first, which is what I told him.

I'm also struggling with going full no contact with my ex. Yep. I admit that I am having trouble fully letting go, despite everything. I reached out to him yesterday in desperation for support... I know I know... WHY go to someone who has hurt me for support? I get it and it doesn't make sense, I understand this. But, that being said, he's been a rock lately around all that is happening for me, and I so wish I could truly lean on him.... I have conflicted feelings I think. He's been SO nice lately, that it's easy for me to get wrapped up in his niceness, and it's easy for me to fall into his trap.

I am very vulnerable & impressionable right now, and I recognize this. I recognize my weak boundaries and my inability to keep them up.

At least I told him no when he wanted me to hang out with him last night. I said, no, I can't, and I won't get back together with you. I reiterated this point.

I know what you all are going to tell me: block him and stop speaking with him. It's just not as easy is it sounds in writing on the forum, going through all that I am. I am weakened. I feel it. I know I need to block him again and cease the communications. I know this. I am having trouble doing this.

I wonder if a part of me is pleased that he is chasing me so hard.... if I am truly being truthful with myself, looking deep inside and being honest about how I feel... I think a part of me is enjoying his attention and love... as twisted and f'ed up as that may sound. After being mistreated, to have him telling me he will give me the sun, moon and stars to be with me.... well, it does feel good, to an extent.

I know.... I've got to put a stop to this, especially since I am sorta dating someone and it's not fair or right of me to keep the ex around in any way. I get it... just putting all my thoughts out there right now, and I know what I need to do.... we did go 4 days this week without speaking... then I was the one who broke the silence. My fault.

AND.... Ok, another issue to confront, with someone I have not brought up much on here. He has been an acquaintance of mine through the music scene for the last 6 years. When I first met him 6 years ago, I was attracted to him and single. We made out one time early on in those days, and he pulled something that took me by surprise. He is a bit of an S&M guy, and I think he took my arm and put it behind my back, in a very controlling S&M sort of way. I didn't like that, so I asked him what he was doing and I stopped kissing him. That was the extent of our sexual encounters. But since then, I've heard things about him from others who tell me he is into S&M.

Lately, he has been leaning on me a lot, as his one and only confidante about his troublesome relationship with a woman. Based on his stories and description of her behaviors, I've been telling him over the last 3 months that she is abusive and that he needs to get out of the relationship. He is trying to save money so that he can move out and leave her.

Well, so yesterday I was at a music event and ran into a female friend of mine. We started talking about this guy, and I told her how we've become better friends now and that he is leaning on me for support around his abusive relationship. Well, she tells me to be careful and wary of him.. that in fact, HE is the abuser and she knows this for a fact. She is friends with his former girlfriend, who says he is abusive.

This news kind of knocked the wind out of me. I was taken aback but told my girlfriend that I believed her. I thanked her for letting me know.

But now I don't know what to think. Is HE in fact the abuser, and she is simply just reacting to HIS abuse with reactive abuse? OR is it vice versa or a combo of both? All this time, I have been on his side of things and have told him repeatedly she is abusing & gaslighting him. She yells at him constantly.... she explodes into insane illogical rages like my ex husband used to do, she berates and bullies him, slinging insults, and so much more.

Without fully knowing the truth, I feel I should back off from him a bit, but as his only confidante, I also feel I should give him the benefit of the doubt. I actually don't know how to proceed.... do I believe my girlfriend, or do I believe him?

First of all you don’t know if you are his one and only confidant. You don’t know if he blabs elsewhere or that you in fact are the one and only who listens to him badmouthing his girlfriend as no one else would because they know it’s not true.

Remember your ex told his friends all kind of things about you up to the point of them advising him to not talk to you. Most decent men don’t go around badmouthing their girlfriend/wife to other women.

If he’s abused, I recommend he seek therapy or call police.

“She yells at him” means nothing. Could be yelling because he hurts her. In addition if they are in S&M set up and he is S, who really knows, he might want her to be more submissive and she’s rebelling. No one really knows

I don’t know if you should believe anyone about their relationship as no one knows what’s happening behind closed doors. But he doesn’t sound like someone I want to be friends with. I’d distance myself from him if it was me

Thanks, divine. All good points!

I should not have told this gf that his female partner is abusive. I let the cat out of the bag so to speak.... she said she won't say anything, but will ask others how their relationship is going.

I think you're right -- you never know what happens behind closed doors or who is truly at fault, but if he is abusive, perhaps it is best if I distance myself more.