I need you guys to point out where I can improve myself

OK, here it goes ...

• I've been taking tango classes for 13 years and consider myself "fairly good"
• I have been taking painting classes for four years, all my class mates say it is a pity I dont do exhibitions
• I am trying to bounce back from depression and am currently studying a masters in AI
• I have a 50 m² patch in a communal garden where I grow my own vegetables
• I read a lot - both fiction and non-fiction but also newspapers
• I know more than average about contemporary art
• I am told I have a great sense of humour
• My ex-wife did not want to go out for diner because she considered me a better cook

... and still it is not enough to be deemed intersting enough. On which points do I have to improve myself?

Should I even believe positive feedback when I always end up being the "friend" who sees his crush end up with somebody else?

It’s wonderful that you spent time learning so much.

I am wondering why you have not met someone while learning all those things.

If it were a competition of accomplishments, you would be winning.

But maybe in your situation competition of accomplishments isn't what is going on.

What else could it be?

It isn't? I guess I know that, it's probably the stench of insecurity and all the above is my way of dealing with it ...

This list is a list of surface level achievements. If you want to truly connect with someone it is done at the soul connection level.

I had to learn the hard way because neither my parents nor my now ex-husband ever connected at a deeper level. Go figure, it took my soulmate doggie to teach me about connection, then I could start applying it to the people around me. I am actually happe as single me with my farm that takes most of my energy & never look for crushes.....but if you can't connect at a deeper level with people you are just around, it will still be impossible to connect well with someone you are really interested in....could very well be that they go off with the someone who has actually truly connected at a much deeper than surface level

I wonder if there could be other ways of dealing with insecurity, and with what sounds like your bad feeling about it?

I had similar feelings as eskielover.
These are all external accomplishments. Great accomplishments to be sure, but no mention of who you truly are. Who you are inside.

I read a quote many years ago that came to mind while reading your list of accomplishments:
What do you get when you are doing this, doing that, doing this, doing that?
A big pile of doodoo.

What inner work have you done? Often people get lost in "doing" to avoid their deep feelings.
Who do you shine out to the world? Who are you on a deep level?
Others pick up on who you are, not on what you do.

im thinking the best way for you to "improve" yourself is to remember that opinions are like noses & that everybodys got one. its your life to make your own choices on how to live it and its not at all a factor in how you do that just because there will always be other people who will always either agree or disagree about how you chose to run your life. quit thinking that other peoples opinion of you is something important enough for you to even be wasting your time worring about. if you are happy living the life you choose to life carry on & enjoy living it .. if not then make whatever changes to it you you decide to make to in order to be happy living it.
make your own choices in order for the life you life to be comfortable for you & you alone to live it. there isnt a living soul around that knows what suits you best and what the perfect fit for you is exxept you.

You want somebody to like you, but do you like other people? Like can you stand to be around other people and listen to them talk? Thats the hard part. The two sides of a coin are usually very different.

Thing is, I do like being around people. I need people. It's just that I feel inadequate, hence my urge to push myself to - or rather: beyond - my limits. I hope I will some day feel "enough" te deserve a relationship. I do realize this day will never come, there will always be something I have to work on.
It is this insecurity that does make me anxious and makes building up social relations - romantic or other - virtually impossible. I always feel like I'm a bore and other people should not have to put up with me. That is apparently how you end up with very few friends, bitter and lonely. I got no guts (and stitches don't help at all) to ask somebody out, to open up about my feelings or whatever.

I am currently in a situation where I ended up - this is my classical pattern - becoming the comforting friend. Looking back on previous experiences, I know she will recover and fall in love with someone else, leaving me heartbroken, only to be set free to find a new illusion.

I don't think I do have any perspective. I thought studying would open up new roads and it is true: I will in the near future probably make more money than average, which will make life easier in some respect. But it will not help me overcome my difficulties in social situations. So in the end, why would I even bother?

Well, you set out to become a painter and you accomplished that.

You set out to tango and you accomplished that.

What if you set out to to develop a better social pattern--by, for example, seeking therapy, by avoiding the "comforting friend" role, by "sitting with" anxiety rather than avoiding situations that give rise to it?

It seems to me that dancing, and having a good sense of humour, in themselves require social skills, attunement to others. What if you set out to build on those skills in order to reach your goal of more satisfying social experiences?

Do you ever let yourself be vulnerable in front of others? Are you open about being insecure? Do you make fun of yourself? Are you able to express self-deprecating humor? I don't know all the details, but just from what you've described, I would suggest you try being really open about how you feel--that you're not interesting, that you pursue things to a high level but are never OK with yourself, etc.--and simultaneously try to find the humor in it. In my experience, people respond to that.

I do see a therapist once a week. I did however have some bad experiences (about which I have written here a few years ago) and it took me over a year to build up some trust.
I've had in-patient treatment for two years and was in a year-long trajectory after that but all that turned out to be a great farce. Most was CBT based and that just does not work for me: I push myself too far and therapists don't pick up the signals that things are becoming too difficult or they don't believe my feedback until I crash. I do have my reasons to distrust the entire therapuetic establishment and I am not sure if anything will ever work for me.
On the other hand, I can function (more or less) in certain social contexts, despite my anxiety but when I consider building up a connection, that is just impossible and I don't see any improvement on that front.

It is recognizing what happened before in my current behaviour that terrifies me. But at the same time I am convinced I have no other options and that gives me the feeling I have no choice but to continue on this path.

I understand this as: "Everything is there, I just have to learn how to use it." In a way that is a comforting thought ...

I do. I am no longer trying to hold up appearances. I am an expert self-deprecator (too much maybe).

In my current situation, I am talking about somebody who knows about my dirty laundry (well, not in all detail, but I have never been this open) and I know some of hers as well. It kind of makes things easier but it doesn't bridge the gap ...

This question is uncomfortable and awkward, but may be a bit relevant... How attractive are the women you've been interested in? Are they definitely accessible to a guy like you? I don't mean anything by the "like you". It's just a fact that each of us has a certain range when it comes to partners. What kind of guys do they generally end up with? Sorry, I don't know the best/most polite way to word it. You've described yourself as quite a catch, so I'm just wondering about what type of woman you've been pursuing.

And I guess a follow-up question: how many times have you liked and been friends with a woman who chose someone else?

It sounds like you need to improve your self esteem. Are you seeing a therapist or not? If not, then please find one.

You need to show interest in other people &’not just try to impress them with your talents. Do you listen to eomen talk? Or fo you mostly talk. about yourself? Most women want a confident guy.

Try not to wven think about or eorry about being friend zoned. Just be a good friend & one day the right woman will come along. Never try to be friends with women in order to wait around for them to see what a great boyfriend you’d make. Most women can sense this & itself not good.

You feel inadequate, you are insecure, you say you don't believe you deserve a relationship... you describe yourself as a bore and that other people should not have to put up with you...

Do you think these are attractive traits to potential partners? Are these qualities people would fall for?

If this is how you describe yourself, are you really surprised your crushes inevitably go for someone else?! Work on yourself first. How can you expect others to like you and want to be with you when you don't even seem to like yourself.

This is the energy you are putting out to others and it is not going to attract people, it will push them away.

How ugly am I? I don't know ... most say I am rather handsome (although long curly hair might not be everybody's cup of tea, I am well aware of that) but I am never sure if people are merely being polite. I think usually the women I fall for are not really beautiful, it is more their attitude and their interests that do draw my attention. I have never thought about which type they fall for but usually it appears to me they opt for somebody who is an expert in one of the things I am just good at.

For me, this happens all the time. I must be heading the same direction for the tenth or twelfth time (I also need more time to recover after each desillusion). Sometimes I wonder whether I am not just waiting too long to be honest about my feelings. But each new experience makes that more difficult for fear of losing what I dó have ...

You're right about the self esteem. I do however find myself starting from scratch after each failure. I am getting nowhere with that, also because I distrust therapists.

I am not just trying to achieve things. I do talk, I do listen, I do take care for people. And I am starting to worry that is how the women I do fancy see me: as a caring friend. But I do lack the confidence.

Somebody gave me the tip to not linger about too much. To try and show my good side and leave it to that. To not always be there but I'm too much of a good guy when somebody is in distress ...
However, I did manage yesterday evening in a milonga (tango dancing event) where she was hardly asked to dance (as a lady, you kind of have to build up a reputation, especially when there are more ladies then men) to ask her only twice instead of always trying to fill in the gap for her. I think that is what my friend meant. And probably what you mean as well.

Two weeks ago, I picked up a sandwich in the train station. The woman at the counter was obiously bored. I made a random joke and I clearly made that a good moment for her. That's who I am, that's what I do. But when I walked away I thought "Well, you can do it, you are not such a bad person at all," which made me cry. There is such a huge gap between what I know about myself and how I feel.

Errr, no. But I have no clue on how to get out of this.

And still - believe it or not -, sometimes years later, friends tell me "You only had to ask her out once ..." making me relive all the agony again.


Maybe it is mainly insecurity which makes me linger too long. Maybe I don't always start in the friend zone and maybe it is me putting me there. But I suppose I have too much luggage (and too little time) to solve this.

I have been going to the same therapist for a year and a half now. I am still biulding up trust after a number of negative experiences in therapy. I dont think switching to another T is a good idea: I would have to start out with working on the trust issues all over again and after all I have never felt entirely bad with her. But I have been - and still am - wasting time because my distrust is still in the way. I know that is another issue, but it withholds me from moving on.

When you are cooking supper for yourself at home alone, do you ever imagine what it would be like with another person there? How does that feel? Talk us through that. I can never get very far in this exercise myself!

Building on the above ...

There is this person in tango class that I see regularly. I fell for her. We see each other a few days a week (three, sometimes five) and I can't put her out of my head. I did not know she had a (bad) relationship (that lasted for 5 months) at first and ever since they broke up (almost two months ago) I have been more stressed around her than before.
I discuss this with my therapist and what she said last week is that she sees two people gradually growing towards each other (we talk more and more, she takes a detour when cycling home, she drags me to all sorts of events, asked me to join her for the tango weekend of our dancing school). I do realize that all my therapist has to work with are my observations (and possibly some confirmation bias or wishful thinking).
We went to a tango event last night. A guy who drove, she and me. She almost exclusively danced with him. I proposed to go for a bike ride a few weeks ago and she suggested to wait until the weather turns good (that was in fact a good idea). They were talking about going on a bike ride on her initiative. I think it is clear where this is going. And this is what happens all the time, every time I fall in love somebody else turns out to be more interesting.

All this makes me wonder about myself. The difference between us: he's a lawyer, he has a job, he is better at the type of dance music - not the classical tango music - they were playing yesterday; Overall, he's less tense, I guess in a way "more fun".
I could start to rationalize what happened yesterday, saying that we meet more often, that we have great conversations, we dance very nicely together on the more classical music but I am not blind either and I saw what I saw. Maybe tonight in class, things will be different but I will be hard pushed to brush this off my shouders.

This again brings my original question to mind. Am I really less than everybody else?

And then again, I might have to reconsider other things. I meet very few new people. The next meaningful encounter might be years in the future. That is why, I guess, when I develop feelings towards somebody, it always cuts so deeply. But how can I build up a social circle when I am always so insecure?
And regarding relationships ... should I start dating online, start a relationship and then hope to fall in love?