[Impala]

I've suddenly started feeling really really down today about the friend I've posted about.Another friend has just let me down today so maybe that's what's started it.I really tried to give her all the support she needed ,really tried.She accepted it and asked for it too.Why would she then behave so cruelly and hurtfully towards me?Is it mental illness or is she just an unfeeling selfish person deep down?She's hurt my feelings so much and I don't think she cares one bit.It's horrible. I've gone over it on here many times,I'm sure everyone is fed up of hearing about it and I'm fed up of it myself.I'll end this post now.

[sunrise]

Hi Impala, I haven't read any of your other posts about your friendship. I'm sorry your friend was so mean to you. Sometimes people can be cruel. In the end, does it matter why? Maybe it is time to give the friendship some space and back off for a bit.

[Perna]

Did you send your friend a "Christmas" card like you were thinking of doing?

Other people have their reasons for doing things that look okay to them. I have a good friend I had for 20+ years and then we had a couple bad spots and we haven't been quite the same since. Friendships can change and end for various reasons not related to us and sometimes our friends don't know how to end it without hurting us. It seems you might be trying to be friends more than your friend is and that makes you more vulnerable to being hurt because you care more.

I'd protect yourself a bit better, look around for other friends and work on those relationships. I'm sorry you've been so hurt by this one friend (and temporarily, I hope by this other friend you speak of). I hope you spend more time online with us and make some friends here online. The more friends one has the more likely that one will have someone to talk to and enjoy and get comfort from when others seem to be disappointing.

[Impala]

It seem to shake this feeling.It seems I always put more into my friendships than others do-or at least they do for a while and then it seems to fade on the other person's part.Why is this?

At the end of the day there was something about the friendship I've posted about which made me happy when it was good,so why don't I direct my efforts towards getting it back? Yes,I did send a Christmas card.No response.However,even when things were good,my friend used to say that she was glad I made the effort because left to her own devices,she wouldn't and then she enjoyed it when we spent time together.After that ,she became ill etc.

Thinking more about it ,I don't think I handled it very well when she was ill.She came to see the friendship as a burden,a pressure.She started to tell lies and make excuses.I hate being lied to.When she did this I became angry,frustrated and of course that made her tell more lies,make more excues to get out of it.It drove her further away.

Mkae no mistake,she was horrible to me when she broke off contact.I had given her a great deal of practical and emotional support when she wanted it and I don't think I deserved how she behaved towards me. however,did she feel under such pressure in the friendship that she had to be horrible to me to get out of it.Yes,I think she did. She was ill,and found the pressure of what most of us would see as a normal close friendship,too much.She said she couldn't deal with people having "expectations" of her.She could only think of herself,only wanted a relationship that met her needs at that time.Then ,she was ill.

Some months have passed now since we last spoke.How do I contact her/try to win her trust back again? It's quite possible (if she views me as pressure)that she won't pick the phone up etc if I try to ring.

Am i doing the right thing for me? The way I look at it, what do I have to lose? We're not in touch anyway and I'd like to try.

[Perna]

I'm surprised you blame yourself for being angry and frustrated at your friend's lies, saying that you "drove her away" when it was she who found the friendship a burden in the first place?

If someone decides they don't want to be with another, there's not a whole lot the other can do about that. Moving away from the person who doesn't want to be with you is usually the best choice. But your friend should not have lied to you, ever. She should have said, "I don't want to maintain this friendship anymore" and made it clear to you she did not wish to see or talk to you again in the same close way she had before. Your anger and frustration at her lies was a good instinct on your part but I would not have followed it up by continuing to deal with her.

You cannot make this person be a friend to you like she was in the past. The past is totally gone. Your friend has moved on from the friendship; that is clear in her not contacting you in any way, not responding to your card, etc. She does not want to be friends with you! This does not say anything about you as a friend, just that she, personally, does not wish to have you as a friend. You have your time and very life to lose by persuing this person. You should be looking for other friends who are "friendly" :-) to you. You are too obsessed with this person, find other people who can respond and give you love and comfort.

[Impala]

I can see why you say what you say Perna.Although she did not respond to the Christmas card,she had sent me a birthday card months after breaking contact.As I said,even when things were good between us,she left it to me to make the effort most of the time but said she was glad when I did. She is ill and people who are ill don't always behave rationally.I've read many things about people who have mental illness shutting themselves off from other people/friends/family-not necessarily because this is what they want-they actually want friendship and so on,but because they feel they can't cope or are ashamed or feel guilty about how they've behaved towards others in the past.

Of course I can't "make" someone be friends with me-I suspect many people wouldn't have made the efforts I made when we were becoming friends in the first place-most people would just have given up because it really wasn't easy.If someone is ill,I think we should take that into account.It's also something I need to do for myself but realise it may very well not work out so just am looking for support,help.guidance in my decision even though people might think I'm mad!! I do have other friends too,it's just that I don't post about them so much as there aren't the same issues!

[BalishBun]

its hard when you try and help someone and they repel against you. It doesn't make any sense sometimes, and you should try not to feel down. You are a good friend for offering help, dont let them bring you down with them.

[Impala]

I still feel really bad about not handling things better.I don't know why I've started feeling this bad after all this time ,perhaps it's because I'm just realising how I could have behaved differently/better.I don't know.