I'm so mad at myself for this

Thanks again.. I will take my time this go around. I am not going to look for anyone and not for a long time. I need me time.... and yes, I believe it is possible to find someone healthy after being in several toxic relationships, which I have been. I want to break this pattern.

There's something called the Sunk Cost Fallacy which makes it hard to give up on something we've invested a bunch of time and/or money in. So this is even more reason to be kind to yourself and proud of yourself for leaving that relationship, because it's a very hard thing to do.

Thank you for saying this! It was hard to do. Or, it became increasingly harder.

My life now... It's been really hard being so alone for the last six months while I've been unemployed and newly single. I've spent most days and nights alone. Sometimes, or often, I've crawled into bed at 6 pm for the night. I did last night.

Once I am working again next week, my time will be filled with work. I am looking forward to this change. I am nervous and a little scared, but I am mostly looking forward to no longer having hours upon hours of empty space to fill.

My ex husband STIL:L has not replied to my last emails. I believe that he's trying to punish me by giving me the silent treatment, which he has done many times in the past whenever I've confronted him about his poor behaviors and whenever I haven't backed down or given into his manipulations. He didn't win this time - I've won. He can no longer manipulate me or have any power or control over me. And he realizes this reality, I do believe. I am NOW FREE.

And, on top of it, I am now empowered to be making my own money again. I can sustain and support myself fully without my ex's help, and I can afford my home and all my expenses. I believe that my ex wanted me to continue needing him for support while I've been unemployed, and now I do not. HA. Take that! I believe that's also why he isn't replying - he is angry that I am succeeding, that I have succeeded, and that I am empowered again and don't need him whatsoever. This is how abusive narcs operate. I've educated myself enough on narcs and narc abuse to know this to be a factual truth about them and how they operate in their twisted, evil f'ed up minds.

In my last email to him, I told him that I am actually laughing at his pathetic head games (ie, by not replying to me and blocking my cell). And that's all it is - a pathetic game of power and control, as ALL abuse is always about power and control over the other person.

So, IF he does eventually reply or contact me, I am NOT responding this time. I've GOT TO END THIS ridiculous TOXIC GAME. The only way to win with a narcissist is to NOT PLAY their games.

And, I am sure that he wants me to be hurt by his lack of response to me and by blocking me and ignoring my last messages to him. But, I am not hurt. I am more so amused, and that tells me I am further along in my healing process. A few months back, I may have been hurt and really bothered by this, but now I don't feel that way. It's entertaining to me, because it's only just a game he's playing, I see that he's deliberately TRYING TO HURT ME by doing this, and it's SO pathetic and insanely immature.

UGH!!!!!!!!! I ran into my ex husband, not just ONCE last night, but TWICE, at a concert.

Why did I have to look down when he saw me? As though I cannot hold my head high? As though I am ashamed??? Has he beaten me down this badly????

When I first saw him as we were walking into the venue, I closed my eyes immediately and looked downwards at the ground while I was walking towards him.

As I've mentioned in this thread, he's completely ignored an email I sent him two weeks ago, announcing my achievement in getting a new job plus a 20K raise. He couldn't reply to just simply congratulate me...

so, why am I holding my head down?????? I should be holding my head high!!!! This was a HUGE achievement, after being unemployed for the last 6-7 months and after being essentially fired from my last job!

What is wrong with me?????? I am SO frustrated with the healing and recovery process right now.

And THEN, I not only saw him when walking into the concert, once we were at our row trying to get to our seats, he was standing only just a few feet away from me! I immediately turned away so as not to make eye contact. I am not sure if he saw me the second time.

I am really not happy with how I handled running into him.

And yes, this is a concert that I had planned on long ago and decided to still attend because it's a favorite musician, the tickets were pricey, and the venue is large enough that I didn't think it was likely I would see my ex husband.. was I ever wrong! GRRRRRRRR.

The relationship is over. He doesn’t owe you responses to communications you initiate.

You don’t owe him anything either.

I don’t know what to suggest for seeing him places-if you keep going to those music-related events you’re probably going to see him.

Given that he's responded to every message of mine for the last nine months, this is a surprise and I expected him to at the very least, congratulate me on my achievement. That would have been the KIND thing to do. But why should I expect KINDNESS from someone who is abusive?

I am not going to completely cease an activity I am very passionate about just so I don't have to run into him.

You got it, abusive people are not kind unless it serves a purpose for them. So for him not to respond is right in his lane, there is nothing for him to gain.

I'm confused. It seems like you are frustrated that he didn't respond. I thought I read that your email said you didn't expect him to respond.

Congratulations on the new gig! Freelance work is a great way to pick up new skills and expand your network. Hope it goes well for you.

I understand your confusion. When I first contacted him, I said that I did not expect a reply. But, in reality, I did expect a reply. I know that's contradictory.

And thanks so much regarding my job. Fingers crossed I get hired on full time in six months.

The run in with my ex is distressing me still. I could be paranoid but now I wonder if he somehow was tracking me on my phone. I mean running into him in the parking lot, just as soon as I had parked, was weird. But then seeing him AGAIN, at the end of my row?!? Seems more than just coincidence. After finding our seats, I noticed that he wasn’t sitting anywhere nearby. So it wasn’t his row, yet he was standing right there, all alone?? It’s odd at the very least.

Did you use to have track on each other phones and he didn’t remove it? See if you could remove tracking?

He may have tracked my phone at one point to help me find it? I'm hazy on whether he did or did not do that one time for me. He also used to work for Apple and knows his way around iPhone technology, so there's that. I did disable the track my location option on my phone, just in case.

We have “track your location” on each other phones for emergencies but we never ever use it (it’s been awhile since we had the kind of emergency that we couldn’t locate each other) so I am sure we’d completely forget to remove it if needed to. I doubt he was still tracking it but everything is possible if one wants to be a stalker

Yes, anything is possible. In my perspective, it was a bit too weird to see him not just once, but twice, and at our exact row of seats when he wasn't even sitting there. Not only that, but we had waited a half an hour inside the venue before trying to get to our seats. The perfect timing of seeing him right as we arrived at our seats was uncanny.

I am still trauma bonded to my ex. I've seen on my Facebook abuse forums women who are still trauma bonded a year, or even many years, after leaving their narc abuser. Ugh. It's so hard to break. The cognitive dissonance is for real. The trauma bond is for real.

I still want to think of him as having a good side, and I want to still believe that deep down he's a good guy, but he's not. But that sweet side that he shows really throws me for a loop and makes me think there is good in him.

When he was threatening to take away the 17K he had given me by threatening to take me to court, I saw his true colors come through. I was crying, begging, and pleading with him on the phone to not take me to court and to not take that money away, but he didn't care and he continued to call me all day long with threats. That's when I saw the devil in him come out again, and his mask dropped. And that's the true him, not this false facade of being a good guy.

I know it's all just an act to keep me hooked and to fool the rest of the world, but it makes me want to believe that he can change and improve. However, I've already seen the proof that he cannot change. I gave him a second chance, in fact many chances to prove himself, including a year in individual and couples therapy. That was a joke. All he did was play innocent and told the therapist that I have a mental illness. Our therapist never validated my experience of the abuse or manipulations and gaslighting.

I've got to come back to reality. Maybe the reality is too hard for me to absorb?

After witnessing him screaming at me for the 1st two years of marriage, then cheating on me, then blowing up at me again and again, gaslighting me, twisting facts, blaming me, criticizing me, demeaning me, making mean jokes at my expense, lying to my face over and over again, holding me down in bed against my will every morning, and rewriting history repeatedly, the facts are right in front of me. He did not treat me well, and it was a highly toxic and unhealthy relationship. This is the REAL HIM.

Something within me still wants to believe in him, however. It's the innocent naive part of me that refuses to accept and see reality for what it is.

There are no two sides to the narcissist. There's only the facade, the "mask", and the monster or devil inside that comes out once the mask drops and once they "have" you committed to them and "in love". It's the cycle of abuse that I've experienced first hand. He plays the role for a while until I feel comfortable again, and then he starts abusing again. Then come the apologies and the peaceful honeymoon phase for a while, then the abuse pattern just repeats itself. I know the drill. Been there, done that.

I am currently turned off by all men. I am being reclusive and very picky, though I am not dating. I am being picky about the men I choose to even be friends with.

I dropped one new male friend on Facebook after he had disappointed me over a concert. He had invited me to join him and his two female friends two or three days before the concert. Then, the day before, he decides to sell those tickets for the following night's show, so I could no longer go. I thought that was pretty rotten. He said it got complicated and messy with his two female friends. I told him that I was really disappointed and that I wouldn't do that to someone. So I unfriended him and stopped speaking to him. We had been communicating over messenger for about a month or so. I had met him through my music scene and will likely run into him again at a smaller local show.

Maybe I was being too judgmental and harsh? Maybe I wasn't being understanding enough with the complications he was facing. It was a knee jerk reaction to the whole thing, unfriending him. I cannot deal with flakes or with people flaking out on me the last minute. A girlfriend does this to me and it's maddening.

So be it, I suppose. I am learning my limits and boundaries and how to enforce those boundaries. And that should be OK. If I don't want to be friends with him anymore, that's my prerogative. I feel a smidgen of guilt - but why? Because I grew up believing and absorbing the falsehood that everyone else's needs and feelings are more important than my own. And that's the result of growing up with a narcissistic parent.

Where am I going with this post? I don't know.

I am fumbling around, learning new ways of being as I forge my way ahead single and solo in this world, meeting new people and trying to form new and healthier friendships. And I don't think many people are all that healthy, stable, or reliable, in my experience.

Yesterday I enjoyed my own company, being solo most of the day and night. I enjoyed myself. I am learning to enjoy my solitude. I am learning self care and self love, very important. And I am learning about my own standards and boundaries, also very important.

This is a learning and growing phase for me in my life. Growth and change can be painful and very difficult, but also necessary. Old patterns and habits are hard to change, I am learning.

So my ex husband? I just need to keep focusing on me, my growth, my healing and my own life's journey. Thank goodness I have a new job to focus on. Thank goodness I no longer have hours of idle time on my hands to stew and dwell on things.

I truly could use a good therapist, yet to date, I have not found an effective one, even though I've been in and out of therapy my entire life! I no longer have faith in therapists. I think they're mostly all completely messed up themselves, making therapy a waste of time and money.

UGH.

I’d focus on the fact that this just wasn’t working for you. It doesn’t even matter what good sides he has. This isn’t working for you. That’s all what matters.

As about improving or changing it’s pointless to enter relationships in hopes one changes. I mean it’s a guessing game. Most people don’t change but what a waste of time entering relationships with people who require change and then guess if they’ll change. Why? They are who they are.

Yes being invited to a concert and then learning that the person sold the ticket without even giving you heads up is extremely annoying. I’d not be happy. I’d just chuckle it to the fact that you don’t know this guy. Talking on social media isn’t really knowing someone. Many of these men are married or in a relationship yet go to these things alone and shamelessly flirt and try to hook up with women. He likely got in trouble with his significant other for inviting random women to concerts and he was forced to get rid of tickets. “Things got weird” likely means variation of that. He’s not a big loss. I sure try not to feel guilty. You likely dodged a bullet with this dude.

I don’t know. Most people are reliable and reasonably stable imho. You just have to get to know them and watch for red flags. Whatever happened to your avoiding this particular crowd? Your perception of people is likely skewed by the quality of people you associate with. Plus in general drinkers and stoners are not very reliable and certainly aren’t stable just due to the nature of substances they consume.

I know... I haven't made any sweeping changes yet. I'm reluctant to try new groups and meet people in different ways. I love live music. I love dancing. It's my therapy, truly. So I will not stop doing something I am most passionate about. But eventually, I will try to meet different kinds of people. I have met a few good peeps in my music scene that I've become closer to over the years. I just only talk about the bad side on here.

Nothing wrong with liking music and dancing. All in itself these are fun and wholesome activities. It’s all the other stuff you want to be mindful of.

Yes, very true.

I went to my friend's farm yesterday out of state for a social gathering. A mutual friend of my ex was inquiring about my dating status. When I last ran into this man, he inquired back then about my dating status as well. I have the feeling that he is talking to my ex and is spying on me for him. I also ran into another mutual friend of my ex, a woman and her husband, who never goes to these particular gatherings at the farm. This is the very first time in years that I have seen her there, so I was wondering why she was there and if my husband has asked her to spy on me as well. I know I sound paranoid, but I still think that somehow my ex was tracking me at the concert a week ago,. and I wouldn't put it past him to send feelers out to see what I am up to. It's unnerving feeling like you're being spied on and watched.

When these encounters make you uncomfortable enough or hurt enough you will stop going to these places. This is self-inflicted. No contact includes not visiting the places he or his friends go.

I doubt he enlisted people to spy on you. I think because you like the same crowds it’s inevitable you’d run into these people or into each other.

This particular occurrence just proves what a low class people they are. Who asks a recently divorced ex of your friend what’s her dating status. In fact who asks anyone of their dating status? So tactless. Who does that. That’s just not a thing to ask anyone whatsoever

I just had this conversation with my aunt about some people asking tactless dumb questions with no reason. So pointless. Just bad taste and lack of finesse. Next time ask back “why are you asking?”

I am not going to places where he and his friends go. You’ve got this completely wrong. And it’s not self inflicted. Im doing just fine. In fact im doing great. Im pursuing things I love and enjoy doing. And im not giving up a huge passion of mine. That is a healthy thing. I visited MY friends yesterday, not his. He used to join these events/gatherings at the farm but no longer does.