Changing my responses

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It caused me to speculate, "Is this is her way of letting me know she isn't working and no longer has health coverage for herself, or shared insurance for the kids, and she's looking for an even bigger settlement? Or is she letting me know she has a new job?" When I asked her, in reply, what this means for health insurance, she didn't reply.

It is normal to do this kind of speculation because the whole divorce has not been resolved yet & there is always doubt in our mind how the "judge" will see it. So many times they see things so different from the way we KNOW it should be resolved. Like I said previous, your lawyer has seen many cases & knows the trending outcomes based on behaviors.

She didn't reply because her text was nothing but bait & she has no real hook to snag you with....lol....just chumming the waters to see if you are still there

Just read through this thread (I am new here)… wow… some really triggering things in here for me which I didn’t expect.

Waaaaay too much to comment on but RD being triggered by your wife’s comments about visiting her work is horrible but completely normal. The worst part of being manipulated by a narcissist is how much it makes you question your reality (even when you know it’s BS) and how much it invalidates your reality and experience. You have suffered this for years, which means you have spent YEARS trying to fight to be validated… for someone to actually see and acknowledge you. It’s a horrible and lonely place to be.

But RD we see you. We see what’s going on. You are not crazy.

Last thing I would say is I strongly suspect your wife actually believes you have been going around to her old work. One of the hardest things to get your head around is that for a narcissist they aren’t fabricating things it’s actually their reality. It’s quite likely she feels insecure about leaving that job and is worried you will find something out (not that you care, but NPD hate their target having any leverage on them). So in her head she imagined you going there and talking to people. And the weird thing with NPD is that in my experience they often can’t differentiate between something they thought and something that happened. So in her reality you DID go to her old work.

Just remember the golden rule “never argue reality with a narcissist”. They are literally incapable of changing their minds even when faced with hard evidence. You can’t win and you are just opening the door for them to pivot and attack you with something else to make sure they always win. So you state the facts “I have never been to your work” and then refuse to continue to talk about it.

I feel for you RD. I really do

So…

I’m in therapy.

I tell my therapist I’m plagued by nightmares but they aren’t related to my life

She says, So what’s going on in them?

I say, I’m pursued by this vicious little monster that keeps tearing at my feet. It can’t really damage me, but it’s relentless and just keeps me running trying to get away from it

Therapist is like…. ???? Seriously??? ..,,.. You DON’T see that as being reflective of your life??

And I’m going…. Oh, ok, I see it now.

This was meant to intimidate and unsettle you. More unsettled you are, more likely you’ll agree to arrangements favorable to her to just end it

My husband’s ex did that.

She did it when they were divorcing but then she tried to do it long after divorce and when he already met me and was already married to me. She was blocked everywhere so she would contact him via third party saying that she’s alerting police because she is being stalked by him (we lived two hours away). Her evidence? She ran into my husband’s former lawyer at a shopping mall and was convinced my husband hired him to stalk her. Good times.

When they were going through divorce my husband was so unwell and so unsettled that he’d agree to give her everything so this horror would stop.

Your ex is playing nasty games

Plant your feet and kick the monster to the curb.

@RDMercer just checking in to see how you are doing.

I’m ok. I’m struggling with rumination.

Trying to be more hopeful and positive

Just trying to become a better person I guess

Ruminating tends to be part of identifying and grieving. The important thing is not to fall into the trap of self blaming and putting yourself down. Life can teach all of us some hard lessons.

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Originally Posted by RDMercer I’m ok. I’m struggling with rumination. Trying to be more hopeful and positive Just trying to become a better person I guess

I call it "sorting it all out, connecting the dots, putting all the pieces together". I also call that "the learning from experience" process so life can be better & we can be aware & act against red flags we previously ignored or logiced away.

This helps us stand strong if anyone challenges our stand because after all tge processing, we "know that we know" what we went through & how to better avoid a similar situation in the future. We know what kind of people not to even allow to enter into our life in the future.

It does get better but it takes time. I left my marriage in 2007 & I finally felt ok with the therapy & processing by 2018 but I kept seeing my T monthly till 2020 just in case something came up I needed someone who really knew me to talk through a rough spot. Been good since then even with the legal crap I am still dealing with because of him.

Don't beat yourself up over things like this. Like my T told me many times, my response is normal for what I went through & needed to process & learn from it. All part of tge journey in recovering

OMG…..

Thirteen years and you’re still dealing with his shenanigans!

And you said 2007 to 2018. Which overlaps with your Eskie…

Maybe an angel came to you when you needed it most

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Originally Posted by RDMercer OMG….. Thirteen years and you’re still dealing with his shenanigans! And you said 2007 to 2018. Which overlaps with your Eskie… Maybe an angel came to you when you needed it most

His financial shenanigans have haunted me constantly since I left. Most was done before the divorce but only found out about some after the divorce which was finalized in Aug 2018. So complicated even my RE lawyer in Calif is having a hard time resolving it.

Lol....a little 4mo kitten showed up on my farm 6 months after losing Leo. He is my angel Gabriel & has a soulmate heart just like Leo had

I woke up early this morning. It was still dark. I was amazed at how totally silent the house was.

After about 20 minutes the birds started singing and I fell back asleep

I woke up later and after 20 minutes I got a text from the neighbors asking if I wanted coffee

Me and the oldest joined them for an hour

Came home and DD was making pancakes

It’s a hard life 😊

That is what real life should be like....this is what heals

There was no school on Friday so my daughter went for a sleepover Thursday night and stayed until I got her after work on Friday

I went to a friends retirement dinner after work Friday and got home about 8pm

My oldest came home for the weekend from the base. We all hung out and watched movies and played video games until midnight Friday

Saturday morning we met up with some friends. I know a stone mason that was closing his business and discarding all his leftover products including hand carved products, custom benches, small decorative pieces or whatever. We loaded up a ton of cool stuff and then stayed for a couple of hours to help him pack and clean up his shop

We were home by mid afternoon. Me and DD cleaned the house and the kid’s boyfriends and girlfriends arrived.

I went to the neighbors for coffee in the afternoon and made plans to have guests

Went home and cooked for all the kids in my house

Four of my friends came over and another of the kids friends

One couple arrived with BBQ, another with a plate of appetizers just an hour after we’d all eaten…. So we all ate again! Those couples didn’t know each other but you’d think they planned this.

Then it was music and laughter and board games until almost midnight. All the youths took part in all the card games and board games with us old folks.

It’s unreal how much fits into a weekend now! It’s unreal how easy it is!

The kids' friends and boyfriends and girlfriends are such nice kids.

I have a PT side-gig now, so I'm working today from home. The kids will be around with their friends today and I'll have to feed them all again.

Another friend of mine teaches shop at the local high school. His garage is full of old dirt bikes for shop projects for the kids. He used to race but got smashed up quite badly about 15 years ago in a car accident.

Monday after work we are meeting up with him for my daughter's dirt bike lessons. The payment? A gas card, and I'll bring pizza for us and his family for dinner.

My oldest has this old clapped-out 4x4 that we did a TON of work on last summer. He and his GF made the 6 hour drive to visit my parents and brother a couple of weeks ago in the old truck. He said, "Got it up to 75, it was steady as a rock, and kept it there for the next 5.5 hours" They were there, roaming the farm and touring the area for 5 days. His GF is a sweet kid who jumped right into everything.

My son's best friend since kindergarten is now self-employed with a lawn care business. I called a retired instructor from the local community college, and I'm getting this kid and my son some instruction on running compact excavators and training on towing a commercial trailer behind his pick-up trucks.

I'm feeling really positive today. I keep missing my wife. I wish she could have seen how good this all could be. I wish I had a partner. I'm going through periods of loneliness sometimes now.

I know this sounds stupid.... But I thought these things.... Being involved with the kids, being a pretty good cook, being handy enough to look after home and cars, and being able to call on friends when it was something I didn't know..... I thought those things made you attractive to your partner.

Last night, I kept thinking, "Why couldn't she see how good this all is?"

RDMercer

From what you have shared, your wife doesn’t like it if things don’t revolve around her. Plus she is typical of a person who’s life revolves around alcohol/addiction. With her absent your children are safe to engage in healthy things that they enjoy and make them happy. Your wife is too controlling to engage in what you have been sharing.

Had she been around last night, she would have left the party due to illness and retired to our room early on

Then I’d be split between checking on her and keeping things going

And most likely would have done something wrong; not checked on her enough, laughed too loud, let people stay too long…. Something.

Remember she was already clubbing and cheating before she moved out. She isn’t a good match for you. You need to eventually find someone who can enjoy others like you do.

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Last night, I kept thinking, "Why couldn't she see how good this all is?"

Different values, different interests. Just proves how truly incompatible your lives were/are

Someone who destroys your mental health is not the love of your life.

But see that’s the whole issue.

She couldn’t see that it’s good because it’s not what she considers good. It’s like if someone’s version of good times is to go to bars, get drunk and high and pick up people. I could get blue in a face telling them about cultural activities and outdoors adventures and wholesome groups. It doesn’t sound good to them. It’s just not fun for them. Same here. Not the same values. Not the same life style

Yeah, but that's what she sold me for years.

That's part of having a personality disorder.

I guess she mirrored me back to me, and acted like all these things were good, until she began mirroring someone else.

I've assumed that she is unhappy since she left, seeing what it is like to live in an apartment instead of our comfortable house and not have family around, but the fact is she might be very happy right now.

It sounds more like she is unhappy because she thought she was going to get money from the sale of your house and also be able to get alimony and even child support. Her unhappiness has nothing to do with caring about you and even her own children.

From what you shared your wife is just a user and that’s what her bff’s are too. She even stole from her own children. She isn’t the type that enjoys the kind of gatherings you enjoy.

I don’t know if she’s happy but living in apartment is not worse than living in a house. It’s just different. Better in some ways or worse in others. Since she has no desire to reconnect with kids she might be enjoying not having a family around. There’s a lot to be said about pleasure living alone. Now crazy woman doesn’t want to see her kids. It seems insane. But there are ton of people who have no interest in their kids and enjoy life free of family burden. It’s not uncommon. Sadly.

She might be unhappy not having someone supporting her financially

I just popped on to edit this response. I'm scared it sounded flippant or like I was blowing off the comments and contributions others made.


It's easy to let my mind spin away and wonder all these things. "Is she happy? Is this the life she wanted? Did she get a dose or reality and realize things were pretty good at home? Maybe she's happy dating and playing these games and living that life."

It's effecting my peace, and my peace of mind. I'm trying not to ruminate, or surmise, or figure it all out.

Trying to just live in the moment and count my blessings.

RDMercer