[lemonadee]

Hey guys,

I actually have never done this before, I didn’t even know this existed till last night but I think I need as many perspectives as possible so I would really appreciate any advice. I’m quite a rational logical cool headed person normally, but I think this is the first time in my life I have been shaken up like this and I actually don’t know what to do.

So I (21 f) have been with my partner (24 m) since July 2023. I am his first serious relationship, he has always had issues with a lot of social anxiety and depression so has a verrryyyy limited pool of friends and no experience of any loyal partnerships before. Most of the people he has liked in the past either just didnt feel the same way - or pretended to reciprocate feelings just to sleep with his brother. (his brother known and in the public eye) He also has quite severe BPD (borderline personality disorder) and sees a therapist here and there about it.

Now I knew all of this going into a relationship with him and I have had partners with different intensities of BPD symptoms and trust issues before so I felt ready and prepared what for challenges may come with it. But boy, was I wrong.

Our relationship prior to him admitting he cheated on me wasn’t completely smooth sailing, he has a lot of difficulty communicating his feelings but he tries his best. He actively listens, remains calm, takes accountability, is always willing to hear a different perspective, answer questions (even if it takes 2 hours for him to be able to actually be able respond) and in almost every other way he is the most attentive partner I have ever had in my life. Makes an effort with my friends and family, and takes on everything I tell him - it just takes a while to see the change is consistent but he has put in the effort to change every bad habit I explain effects me. Like this man memorised exactly how hot I like my hot drinks and makes it to the exact temp every time. He is tidy and funny and knows me better than literally anyone else in the world. Sounds strange given the title but I have never felt so seen in my life - ever.

Now where does the cheating come into all this? Well, a few days ago we were on a face time call. (Every year from Dec-Feb he is in another country with his family so we kinda do long distance for a bit. )So anyway, he is on FaceTime wishing me a happy new year and then suggests that we have a run through of the year, go over anything and everything that has happened and put everything on the table so that any resentment, confusion or concerns can be dealt with and we can go into the new year on a clean slate. I said yeah, good idea! Famous last words…

I told him a few things that had bothered me more than I admitted it did in moment over this past year, and he took accountability and apologised. Then it was his turn. He goes quiet for what feels like forever and after a thick heavy silence finally asks me, do you think ignorance is bliss? Confused, I answer no. He then says, do you think there are things that are unforgivable? My gut literally drops, “why are you asking me this?” I said sternly. “Baby I need to tell you something…”

He then proceeds to tell me that LAST YEAR (Dec 2023) (well it’s the 1st of 2025 at this point so 2 years ago technically but anyway) he made out with a girl in the club when he was away. Now… I knew he was having a hard time that month, he didn’t speak to ANYONE for almost 3 weeks straight, I barely even heard from him all month. He deleted his social media, took done all his music (most of his income is from his music) and went radio silent.I did my best to make sure he was okay but at one point it got too much for me. He just ignored me for weeks on end and I was hearing from family friends that he was locked in his room for days . So I called him up one day and said - I’m sorry I can’t do this, it is obviously not the right time to be in relationship if you can’t even communicate to me you need space or support.

I didn’t think he had cheated, but even at that point it was too much for me. He apologised and said that he had never had an episode like this before and that he was doing his very best. He promised that he would ask for help or support if it ever got that bad again and to improve in that area. So, I decided to give him another chance and we have been together since. Well turns out, disappearing for weeks wasn’t even half of it, he had cheated.

While telling me this on the phone he was literally sobbing saying that he knows it was wrong and selfish that he didn’t tell me and that he really wanted to but that he felt that his actions did not align with how he truly felt and said that during that time period he was not in the right headspace, finding any and every way to self destruct but that he is sorry. I said that I need some space to think and hung up. I was in disbelief that A he would make out with another girl all night in a club and B, that he has kept it from me for a year. That’s not just one selfish self-destructive drunken mistake - to not tell me for most of our relationship is kinda evil man.

I called him the next day with a looooong list of questions about the event and everything leading up to it. He answered every single one (she was a girl he had a thing with a few years ago, it only happened once, all they did was kiss) and read out a 3 page apology/accountability letter he had written after our call the previous day while sobbing profusely. Again I said thank for telling me but I still need to figure this out for myself.

And you would think that was the end of it right? NOPE. He texts me the next day while I’m at work saying he really needs to speak with me. I say I can’t pick up the phone but he can text me whatever it is, if it feels urgent enough. He then proceeds to send me a (im not even joking) a 24 min voice note explaining how he lied, that that he didn’t just make out with her - he went back to her hotel room with her and they had sex. He told her this after the act and went home crying. He woke up the next morning and told his mum he really needed to see his therapist which he did. He told the therapist everything and she proceeded to tell him that if he feels like it will never ever happen again and that it would only hurt me, then perhaps he should just keep it to himself. And yeah, that what he did.

He said that less than two months in it was eating him alive and tried to tell me various times but just kept backing out last min, feeling as if he has missed that window of opportunity. Then -

Possible trigger:

I got pregnant. I got pregnant and ended up having an abortion

which really really messed me up big time. And some other really messed up stuff happed over the span of 2025. I failed my course, my friend died, family member got diagnosed with a chronic illness. Like it was bad. And he supported me all through that, letting me stay at his place for weeks on end just crying and sleeping. He was there, made me any food I wanted, brushed my hair, let me basically take over is whole space for many months of this year. He said that he really wanted to tell me, but it just felt like one thing after the other and he wanted to be there for me. As soon and things started to die down a little (the end of the year) he felt like he could not go on into the next year without telling me - there was just no way. So he did, well he tried but didn’t tell me the whole truth. He then realised that he was just repeating the same mistake and that he had to understand that he would probably loose me but that he still needed to tell me the full truth, so he did in a voice note the next day.

Now personally infidelity is a no no for me. I made that clear from the very start and he feels the same way. That’s just too far - but I feel as if he has told me that night what happened I would have been more willing to try and rebuild trust. But a YEAR. A year he has been deceiving me, telling me he has by back and that I’m the one and I’m his best friend in the world - promising him that I can trust him with my whole heart unguarded. And that’s what I did, this last year I have given him every piece of myself. This last year I had considered that this is my person, someone I would want to raise a family with (I didn’t want to have kids until I met him), this is the man I could see myself marrying (I have refused to even consider marriage my whole life up until this point). And now, now I’m lost.

I feel as if he is truly sorry, and that it will never happen again. But I don’t know if I should be with someone who had to sleep with someone else to truly realise what he could be losing. I feel as if you should come to that conclusion through the shared experience of love. This is all so fresh so of course at the moment I can’t even look at his face without being attacked with thoughts and visuals of him and some faceless woman having sex in a hotel room. But annoyingly (and with thoughts and feelings equal in strength) I feel like I will never be truly known or seen like this again in a relationship, and that if what I believe is true (that he would never cheat again) we could still have such a fruitful and beautiful future. This guys was truly my best friend. I don’t want to have gone through all of this to just throw away something that still has so much potential for growth. But then also, where is my self respect right? And most importantly, will I be able to move past this if we did try again, would I be able give my all again? Probably yes if I’m completely honest, in time and with healing yes - but should I? I don’t want to choose him over my self love or self respect, but somehow I still feel as if a future together could be filled with so much joy.

If anyone has any advice or notes or just anything, anything at all please please please - I would be so grateful for any perspective on this.

(And no he isn’t a narcissist that is just manipulating me I swear - idk if yall will believe me but that’s not the situation I’m in I promise)

Should I approach this as a bump in a relationship that could still bring me a lifetime of joy, or as a lesson that I need to choose my self respect over potential happiness?

I think there should be a poll at the bottom of this somewhere? I’m not sure how this works. Should I: 1-stay or 2-leave

[NovaBlaze]

I’m really sorry to hear about your situation. Life is not easy, is it. It throws some terrible things at us at times. I can imagine your devastation on finding out about this.

I think you need to give yourself time to process this, and not rush into anything. Relationships are complex. Nothing is simple, nothing is black and white, or at least I never see it that way.

Ultimately, you have to think this through, and be comfortable with your decision. As much as others can offer advice, and it’s useful to get a different perspective, this is your life. You need to be happy.

You sound a really grounded individual with a good grasp on your own self-worth and expectations. I think, give yourself time and you will work out the path you want to follow. If your partner isn’t prepared to give you that time, then I think you may have your answer as to whether the relationship is truly sustainable in the long term.

I guess the question is, if you stay within the relationship, will you find that this infidelity continues to haunt you for the rest of your life? If, when you reach your 40th year of being together, you will still feel the pain of this past infidelity, will you regret staying?

I don’t know the statistics, it would be interesting to know, but I wonder how many people make a one-off “mistake” such as this and then go on to be faithful for the rest of their lives with their partner, and how many actually just find it easier to make that mistake again and again!

[divine1966]

I am so sorry.

Honestly the way I look at it, it’s very dangerous to have sex with cheaters. I knew someone who contracted HIV from her spouse because he slept with someone HIV positive unbeknownst to her.

I don’t think it matters if he has BPD or is depressed or what other real or perceived issues.

What matters its if you stay with him, you can never fully trust him and you are always in danger of STD, herpes, hepatitis etc you can never have unprotected sex with him. Are you prepared to live like that?

Of course you could treat it as a bump in a relationship and carry on with him but be prepared to live in a constant risk of contracting dangerous and potentially incurable illnesses

[Have Hope]

That is a tough one, and I am sorry for your pain. My ex husband cheated on me, I took him back 8 months later and forgave him. But I didn't trust him, and it was really hard to get that trust back. Every time his phone dinged, I would think it's some woman texting my husband. I wanted to look into his phone all the time, I wanted to see proof that he wasn't cheating again. A woman sent him a t shirt in the mail with a note that had hearts on it and was signed with love, and I flipped out. That was towards the end. He broke many promises to me, and after the last broken promise, I decided I could not trust him (plus he mistreated me), so I left him.

Trust is very difficult to regain after it's been lost. Do not minimize the fact that he hid this and lied to you for a year, then continued to lie about it to you even during his confession. For me, once trust is broken and once a lover has cheated, then it's over and the person cannot be trusted again.

You have to decide for yourself whether you can truly give him another chance and place your trust in him again. Fast forward to next Dec 2025 when he leaves the country again. How are you going to feel when he is away from you? Will you trust him to not cheat and lie to you?

You also make the distinction between staying and leaving and maintaining self respect. Do you feel that you would lose your self respect by forgiving him and believing in him/trusting him again? That's a big issue. Self respect in a relationship is absolutely necessary, along with boundaries. If you feel that by forgiving you will lose self respect, I would think long and hard about leaving vs staying.

I agree with the above poster - this is not black and white and can be confusing and take time to sort through. Take your time to think this through thoroughly. The two big questions you need to answer for yourself are: can you trust him again, with your whole heart, and can you maintain self respect if you decide to stay with him?

Lastly, you are very very young and have your whole life ahead of you. This guy is only one of many relationships you can have and he does have issues. There are plenty of fish in the sea, so to speak, so don't believe he is the only guy you could possibly marry. I was asked to be married by 7 different men before I met my husband and had been engaged once before too. So don't believe this is the only man you could possibly love and have a relationship or marriage and children with. I also find it to be very concerning that he disappeared for a month while traveling. That raises a red flag.

I would think long and hard about this one.

[Rive.]

What kind of therapist would advise a client that it is best to keep a secret?! Bottom line is that trust has been broken and he betrayed you.

And he ought to take personal accountability:

1. HE decided to keep it secret (he is a grown man after all, and can make decisions for himself). That is the first lie. And that is bad enough.

2. He lied a second time when he 'admitted' ONE YEAR LATER.
It is not 2 years since it happened, in December 2025 it will be two years.

3. He lied a THIRD time, when he admitted he did more than kiss someone else. Worse, he did not tell you face to face, but via a voice message?! I also wonder if he even told the whole truth this time. He may tell you later on that they slept together more than once... or there may have been others.

That IS a big betrayal of trust. He broke your dealbreaker (i.e. to never cheat).

And sorry but there is no guarantee he will never do this again. People who stray are more likely to stray again. The fact he has done this increases the probability of it happening again. Especially as he lied even when he supposedly came clean to you.

As for how to proceed, that is up to you. Can you rebuild trust with someone like that? Is your dealbreaker not a dealbreaker, then? Great that he makes you feel seen but is that enough, if you know what he can do behind your back?

You can give yourself time before making any decisions. Maybe take a break. The best may be to try couple counselling to help process this betrayal. Then make a decision.

Ultimately, the decision is yours. There are no guarantees of ANYTHING in life. His word holds no guarantee. You need to assess how you feel and go with that.

[Rose76]

I'm afraid I agree with your boyfriend's therapist. He should have kept this to himself and put it in the past. You met him in July, 2023. Five months later, while he was far away, he had a one night stand. I personally feel that you are making way, way, way more of this than it deserves. This young man and you, both, have boundary problems. Even people who are dating and think they're in love need to have some boundaries. You have this idea that, in a relationship, there should be absolutely no secrets. IMHO, that's just not true. You seem to want him and you to be merged into one identity. That's wrong, IMO. You are two separate individuals. You each need to have a zone of privacy. You each need some boundaries. The idea that he must make himself an open book to you and totally bare his soul to you about everything and anything is depriving him of any dignity as an autonomous being. This young man has no filter and no boundaries. He sounds like a guy who grew up with a very domineering parent who stripped him of any sense of being the owner of himself. Someone turned him into a passive man who needs to be ruled by someone else because he has no sense of how to run his own show. That girl he went to the hotel with was probably running things when he was with her. Now he wants you to take the reins and rule over him, like his mother or his father did. Is that what you want in a man?

You and your boyfriend sound like two decent, nice people who have some growing up to do. He needs to realize that, sometimes, the best thing to do is to shut up. Not everything should be shared. You need to ask yourself whether you really want to be interogating him like you're the police. Naturally, you're hurt. I would be too, if I were you. But I would not be making such a huge, big deal out of this. It would be a big deal, if this was part of a larger pattern, where he was a skirt-chaser, looking to jump into bed with any female who will have him. He doesn't sound like that kind of a guy. As you say, he's inexperienced with girls and with people in general. I would advise you to let this relationship continue, if you are still in love with him. I wouldn't end it over this one confession, which he was foolish to ever make.

No wonder this guy is so prone to depression. Someone smothered him, when he was growing up, and now you are smothering him. He locks himself in a room because it's the only way he can keep others from crowding him emotionally. He is way too open. He uses a bedroom door to take the place of the normal boundaries he failed to develop because he was not allowed to have boundaries as a child. He believes that in a loving relationship, he must give the other person complete access to every thought he has and every move he makes. You also seem to believe that. You are both wrong. Dating someone for 5 months does not give you that right.

I'm not saying I approve of infidelity. But let's look at the context: You two are not married. You don't even live together. This is a period of getting to know each other, which takes more than 5 months. It takes more than a year and a half. If you have enjoyed being his girlfriend over the past 10 months, then I would not throw that away over what happened in Dec, '23.

[unaluna]