Girlfriend go really emotion the other night and I don't understand it

I've been dating this woman for 2 years. We're middle aged. She has two kids living with her, one just turned 19 going to college and the other is 15. We live separately, but spend a lot of time together, mostly at her house because of the kids.

This have been really good. We talk all the time. We spends lots of time together, never tiring of each other. We go out together. I've included her in my family events, events with friends.We just concluded a trip of a life time with no issues. I've made her a part of my life.

The discussions about combining households have been up to this point that she is going to wait for her kids to leave the house. This is what I've set my expectations. So, there's a lot of travel for me back and forth from my house to hers as well as me helping my elderly mother with her own living situation and some maintenance on her house.


So, at the height of the recent winter storm we received 3 inches of snow, something my area hasn't seen in 40 years. I decided I was going to stay at my mother's while the storm was raging in case something happened and she would need help since it was unlikely that I would be able to readily travel on the roads to get to her. I thought this was reasonable. My girlfriend however, had reservations, but she seemed to accept it at the time, however I could tell there were reservations in her expression, though she didn't say anything.

Forward to the storm is over. The snow and ice are melting, I call up my girlfriend to ask if I can come over and she tells me she needs a couple of days to think and will talk about it then. Couple of days pass. I go over, spend the night and while in bed we're talking about the situation.


She was upset that I chose to stay with my mother instead of her. I explained why and mentioned she has an adult son and almost adult son living over there and me staying meant my mother would have to face the storm and potential problems, alone. My mother and I have no other family here, so, it was important to me to be there for her safety.

My girlfriend then explains that "when a woman invites you into her bed, not just for a one night stand, she wants you there every night".Then she begins to cry and say that's she's scared I'm going to break her heart. I've no idea where this is coming from. I consoled her that it wasn't the case, that I loved her. I cuddled with her and that seemed to comfort her.


We did talk a little more and I told her that me being there every night means she's moving me into her house ahead of her own schedule. I've not prepared for it, nor did I expect it so soon. And it's hard for me to be at my place, my mother's place and have to pack up twice a day and travel 30 minutes each way. So, I've told her that it would alleviate some of my time, costs and hassles of traveling back and forth every day when I'm not at her house. We've had a routine and that routine has been when her youngest is at his father's for a week custody I have been staying at my GF's house. When her youngest is back I've been staying at my places for a few days to take care of stuff and we assume more of a dating series of activities.


So, I'm not sure what the best course of action is. Now I'm on egg shells because I don't know what is going on. She's not eluding to anything more. I don't know if me not staying over there a single night is going to set her off.But, the two day pause felt penalizing, unilateral and the reasoning guarded on her part. Meanwhile, I try to keep discussions open.

This sounds like a good question to put on Reddit, AITAH. I would say you are NTA, she definitely is. I wonder if she is getting advice from bitter girlfriends, because what she said is the stupidest thing i have ever heard.

I’m an older female and I don’t understand her at all. Of course it makes sense that you stayed with your elderly mother who would be alone and at risk. Even if you were married it would make sense to either stay at your mother’s house or have her come stay with the two of you. She’s being irrational.

She is mad at you for staying at your elderly mother to ensuring her safety? How ridiculous. So when and if you two move in together, she would expect you to never take care of your mother? That’s crazy

So there might be a couple of explanations here.

She’s maybe upset about something else but wouldn’t tell you. Was her first husband a cheater and is she afraid you are going to sleep with other women but lie you were at your moms?

Second explanation is that her true colors are showing and she’s not the kind of person you want to spend your life with

Try to get to the bottom of it.

Honestly, it's a red flag to me what she said to you about her expectations of you spending every night with her. She acted and is behaving slighted, when what you needed to do was perfectly reasonable. She is being unreasonable, her expectations are unreasonable and come across as very demanding of you and not understanding or having respect and compassion for your needs with your mother. She is ignoring your needs, and is thinking only of her own needs, and that's a red flag. This is selfish behavior and is a self absorbed way of thinking. Is she like that in other ways, or is this the first you are seeing this type of selfishly driven behavior? Think on that.

I don't want to sound too strong on this one. She could have had a bad day, been overwhelmed on that day, had a setback, forgot to take her anxiety meds, was just completely freaked out by snow and didn't think her boys could support her in a power outage or whatever.....

BUT... You have been very agreeable to adjusting your schedule to her wants/needs, and around her younger son. You've agreed to wait to merge households.

Blending lives means blending the responsibilities in each others' lives. You're working with her for her responsibilities. YOU have responsibilities too.

If you gently remind her that this is the case, that you have someone else you have responsibilities to, just watch for her response and give it some time. This may be a growing moment for her in this relationship.

She's probably upset about something else. Most fights like this are just due to some other form of stress whether it's related to you or not. Maybe she has some unmet needs within the relationship or within the situation (have you guys drifted recently? missed/not returned calls? her friends make any kind of negative comments to her about you that could make her question the relationship? anything?), maybe she didn't sleep or eat well that day and was grumpy, maybe she's going through a deeper rough patch (irritability can indicate depression, anxiety, etc.). Who knows. With some gentle questions and thinking, you might.

Nah, I think that the above was just a 'symptom' of something deeper going on for her. In other words, she got triggered by something, presumably from her past, and that innocent act (you staying at your mom's) set her off.

Her reaction (tears, afraid that you will break her heart) says it all. Her sense of emotional security was probably severely compromised or betrayed in the past by a significant other... or others. Hence her knee jerk reaction and her erroneous 'interpretation' that you choosing someone else (i.e. your mom) meant a repeat of said perceived rejection or abandonment that she may have experienced in her past.

I would be gentle and more importantly reassure her. Then maybe if she feels safe with you, she will be able to share more what this is *truly* about.

I did put it on reddit and was lambasted for not understanding her side of it....which if I did, I wouldn't be looking for advice.

Well i for one am very disappointed in reddit. They got that one wrong.

I think you did the right thing.

Ask her to imagine that she is old, that one of her children moves across country and the other adult child stays nearby. And there is a severe storm. And she is frail and helpless. Would she want her adult child to stay with her or stay with said child's non-cohabiting significant other, leaving her to fend for herself?

Reddit? Are they the jury on these things? No one knows the situation better than you do Shaiguy, you and those directly involved and if you are confused then what could strangers possibly know? I’m sure there are folks there that can help you brainstorm ideas and potential explorations but if you are looking for who’s right or wrong or an answer as to the right thing to do next, strangers are not the place to go.
Is your heart telling you anything?
Have you tried talking to her about it? Your feelings around her behaviour and also ask for clarification or more details about why she felt the way she did?
That would be a good start.