Very Complex Emotions dealing with DA but am fedup and dont know where to start.

Hi All , Im Dean, aged 42. Im having a very terrible time coping alone in this world. My Parents passed, no bros or sisters.

I have a very difficult wife, difficult is a very mild word. My wife keeps blaming her awful behaviour on others(My parents when they were alive, now she blames her parents), its been 15 years and she just does not want to take responsibility for her behaviour. Professionally she is growing very rapidly. Personally I feel she is degenerating at the same pace.

We have not slept together in 10 years. There is no intimacy whatsoever, apart from she gets me to massage her every night because she has a problem with her shoulders.

I am afraid if I talk to someone ill break down and not be able to function.

If things happen at home, not to her liking, and there is this nuclear explosion at home which affects everyone in the family, I have to then suck it up, and just take the brunt of her anger repeatedly to prevent these explosions. She is verbally abusive, and demeaning to another level.

These are taking a toll on my, mental health now and I cant seem to shake it off anylonger.

She throws a fuss every time I want to meet my friends and support the ones who helped me though my tough times. However always, she wants to socialise with her friends. She criticizes her friend too , not like there is any one she genuinely likes.

However in front of others she is a frail, super polite, always praising me type person.

I tried to involve professionals, she totally convinced them she is a normal loving person and the professionals turned on me. This has happened not once but twice.

I am really struggling , Im losing my drive to be happy in life.

Presently I cope , by having my own office space. I have asked my staff to work from home, attend office 3 to 4 times a week , usually the 3 or 4 hours alone at work allows me to recharge, sometimes watching TV at work (because at home, my wife doesent allow me to put my choice of TV, and others in the house like their TV) , I have started smoking once or twice a week for the last 1 year, because calms my nerves . I recently jumped to once a day but clawed back. I occasionally drink to numb out the pain. I feel like screaming and crying but tears dont come out.

I started looking after my health , going to the gym 3 to 4 times a week( I was obese and unhealthy), wearing a hair system (I lost my beloved hair about a year ago). This is helping me keep it together but I feel its also running out of steam.

When men go through professionals, they assume there is something wrong with the man. How can you show authorities proof of chats, discussions, verbal things......

My wife came from a household where her father was very irresponsible , obnoxious , cranky always shouting, always critical of everything and everyone, shouts and not talks...swears and never is peacefull. My wife is a copy of this , always swearing, no sentence without a swear!.....I come from a very calm home, where even shouting was a big deal, I nievely didnt even know many of the wear words my wife used to say.

I feel very cornered and stuck...I cant talk to my friend, consering speaking to my emplyee and let her know what I have to deal with just incase ....

HI, I am so sorry you're struggling. Sounds awful. My question to you is why do you feel you're stuck? Have you considered or thought about leaving the marriage? It sounds horrific - , your wife sounds like a nightmare to deal with. Abusers do not change. If you are waiting for changes, that is likely not going to happen. I would rip that bandaid off and I would start the process of divorce. Life CAN be happier and more peaceful - it doesn't have to be this way. The marriage has been dead a long time already. So why are you stuck?

I'm stuck because of my kids. My older one is 11 years old and younger ( after I got back with her prior to a 3 year separation) younger one is 4.
I'm also stuck because I have a hefty inheritance which she can attack. I need that money to put the kids through school, less so my needs which are minimal.
I want to leave as soon as the kids are of suitable age . I am just fedup and will probably wither away like this.

Don't know how it legally works in London but in most US states if you haven't put your inheritance money in a joint account, the spouse can't touch it. I would legally put money you want for the kids in a trust set up for them & not have your wife on that trust in any way.

It is a challange. My daughter was already adult when I used my inheritance to leave my bad marriage & it was the best thing I ever did in my life. Legally made sure he had no claim on my things before the divorce in the state I moved to & have been happily single every since. Having young kids & the dynamics of co-parenting in a divorce situation makes it more of a challenge. My now ex refused to get the divorce before I left. He wanted everything so I walked out & left him everything from the 33 year marriage & he managed to lose the house due to being financially irresponsible. Just glad I got out when I did. Hope you can resolve with yourself what your best choice will be

Thank you for your comments . The IHT works if it's done by my parents , as opposed to me. Here the finances are quite vulnerable from what I've understood. Anyhow my father protected half his wealth , which means I'm open to attack on half, which is still a lot. That is secondary.

I just don't want my kids to go through trauma. We loved appart, and legally divorced for 3 or 4 years but the most suffering was my first ... My wife would change days, she would swap times, and then emotionally black mail me , end up taking all the public holidays etc... it was horrific. I got back because I couldn't deal with the fighting over days here and there. Now we have a second one, I can't imagine her going through the same.

To be honest , I'm having strange issues. Now when she gets annoyed , I just stay quiet and calm. But my body reacts, I start having palpitations, diarrhea, nausea .... Not sure how to manage this sometimes.