advice pls. should i reach out? (i want to

Hi friends, new here. In great need of advice, insight & fresh perspective from strangers that are not biased. I appreciate all contributions.

I was my bf for 2 years romantically after a year of friendship. I'm 31, he's 36. He lived an hour ish away from me and we saw each other approx every month (I had other stuff on my plate and that's all i could manage). Capricorn man with an aquarius woman. He wasn't really the phone call type. He claimed he behaved the same w/ friends & fam, that it was mostly them seeking interaction w/ him & he was in his own solitary bubble most of the time. an introvert/lone wolf type i guess. So was i, thus the lack of "pressure" worked for me. Our relationship was text based and audio attachments here and there.

We had our ups and downs, but in the grand scheme of things I perceived him to be a dismissive avoidant. He had all the signs, increasingly as our relationship progressed. Looking back now, I can see I also exhibited some avoidance, but more anxious/disorganized. The type to send him essays while he told me I was "toxic" & he "couldn't handle the conflict". A couple months ago I brought to his attention how I don't feel like my presence mattered to him because he isn't as attached to me as I felt I was to him. His response was: he actually did make an effort to talk to me when i didn't (which sometimes i admit he did, however i wanted more consistency & he felt i was pressuring him or wanting to "change him", he feels I deserve better than him and he feels that he can't make me happy no matter what he does & in the grand scheme of things he actually doesn't have a "plan"/ "doesn't really know what he wants in life", i was confused and really hurt. i asked him why wait until now to tell me this, that it was inconsiderate of him after everything we've been through & i invested all i had. he said he was actually being considerate as he didn't like how i was "suffering" with him and "unhappy", so why should he drag me along further in this. if his conclusion really is i deserve better & he truly thinks/feels that, wouldn't he would deliver it? i felt like he didn't love me & he assured me he did from the moment we met. & still does.

eventually decide to call him. i sought out that he make it better, make the hurt go away & we get to some kind of resolution/safe/warm place if you catch my drift. during the call he expressed how he wasn't ready to let go & stop seeing eachother (i can now say time proved otherwise.. but i too have maintained my distance despite my love for him). he really liked how much i cared for him/the relationship & that's hard to find (idk how to take that, it sounded selfish). regarding the no plan comment, he tried to justify by saying many ppl have had "plans" that they went along with, only to fail. at the end of the call i was still hurt & continue texting him. after i continued my questioning regarding the inconsistency, he said he's not rlly a texter. to which i replied ok, if you don't text, what do you do then? he said i used to dance & now i dance in this thread, which was so agitating and immature ( i guess to him it was funny or he was trying to lighten up the tension, idk) i reply with ok & go to sleep. I posted some stories the next day, one regarding emotionally unavailable ppl ( a person that lost their mind in the forest after dating an emotionally unavailable person) and the other how to be an alpha male (10 rules: among them be terrifying, never show your emotions, remain stoic, dominate your partner, don't lost eye contact etc). maybe it was passive aggressive of my behalf but I just about had it with him at that point and felt like he gave me no choice but to walk. He replied to one of those stories with "Lol" , (the forest one, which tbh was funny in the grand scheme of things, but i was too hurt to laugh with him) I leave him on read.
And now it's been 3 1/2 half months.
I feel like I may have hurt him, but I had been hit too. It is worth adding that the last time we were intimate I expressed regret afterwards. It had been months since i saw him & I felt like it was too impulsive. He brought up later how he didn't like my reaction at all & I seemed as if I "didn't want to go far" w/ him in the relationship.
I don't even know how to reach out at this point or if it's worth it. I still have love for him & we didn't end on terrible terms. I don't want to move on without first trying to mend things if possible. I want to give it another go & this time if I find he hasn't reflected or gained insight into his wrongdoings & impact on the relationship then I am calling it quits. We've had breaks in the past but this one was the longest.

"Gained insight into his wrongdoings." His wrongdoings may feel right to him. It may pain him to try to do otherwise. I dont think you are aware of this. You only consider how his actions feel to you, not to him. But what you want may feel extremely unnatural to him.

but can i know how that if i don't investigate it >.>

good point.. how can i know that if i don't make a move?

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result."

It is just as easy (which is to say, very difficult) for you to change as it is for him. Why dont you change all your desires and expectations and actions to suit him? The answer is not - well because im right and he's wrong! This is growing up - accepting reality.

I can tell how much heart you’ve put into this relationship, and it’s obvious how deeply you care. From what you’ve shared, his avoidant tendencies and your desire for more consistency, it sounds like you’ve been caught in a push-and-pull that leaves you feeling hurt and unheard. That doesn’t mean either of you is a bad person; it just shows that what you need and what he’s able to give right now might not be lining up.

From the way he’s spoken about things, saying he doesn’t know what he wants, doesn’t feel he can make you happy, and doesn’t have a plan, it seems like he’s not in a stable place to offer the kind of partnership you’re looking for. That doesn’t mean he didn’t care. It just means he may not have the readiness or tools to show up in the way you deserve.

If you do feel like reaching out, the most important thing is to be clear with yourself first. Ask yourself if you’re looking for closure or if you genuinely want to see if there’s something to rebuild. Knowing that will help you figure out how to approach him. If you reach out, keep it simple and calm, something like, “I care about you, and I’d like to see if we could have a conversation about where we stand. If you’re not ready, I’ll respect that and move forward.”

And if you do talk again, don’t lose sight of your own boundaries. Be honest with yourself about what you need, consistency, openness, effort; and know what you won’t keep tolerating. That way, if things slip back into old patterns, you won’t feel stuck. You’ll know when it’s time to let go.

No matter what happens, this has already taught you something valuable about yourself; about your attachment style and what you need in a relationship. That kind of self-awareness is a gift, and it’s going to help you create healthier, more balanced connections moving forward.

So yes, you can reach out if it feels right, but do it from a place of strength, not desperation. If he’s able to meet you halfway and show real growth, that’s wonderful. If not, you’ll know you gave it a fair chance, and you can walk away with peace of mind.

very thoughtfully put.

Society constantly tells women that they should be pursued and never the other way around.

Honestly it sounds to me like he is beating around the bush in telling you he isn't compatible with you in hopes you will GET IT & just leave him alone now. He is saying everything he can to discourage you but not wanting to hurt you so he doesn't honestly say it. Lol....I dated a guy in college, we both realized we weren't compatible & he said he was thankful for the mutual decision cause usually he had to make things bad so the girl would be the one to break up to avoid the drama. Don't be the drama.

You throw labels of diagnosis around for behavior excuses....bottom line, sounds very much like you 2 are incompatible & that is what he is trying to tell you. Never confuse lust for love either. Love grows out of respect & mutual compatibility....everything else is imagined in our wishful thinking. This comes from 72 years of experience & observation. Leave him alone. He has been clear even if it wasn't said clearly to end it. Like I said....many guys don't like to be the one to finalize the ending & they hope they can piss off the girl enough she will end it herself

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Originally Posted by coconutcoast Society constantly tells women that they should be pursued and never the other way around.

Just like the saying, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink", you can pursue all you want but you can't make them have real interest in you as a person (sex maybe but that isn't about you)

It seems that this relationship has come to an end. From reading your post, what I see is that you overvalue systems of typology, from completely bogus (astrology) to those of questionable validity, especially when used by lay people (attachment styles, diagnosing). I think you will be far happier in your next relationships if you jettison those systems, all of them, and use plain English words that describe feelings, wants, hurts, disappointments, aspirations, desires, dreams, etc. And to your main question - yes, you can reach out to him now, but, as wisely said above, not from the place of desperation, and, in plain English, without attaching diagnostic labels or referencing the position of the stars, try to express yourself and touch his heart. If he doesn't have a warm and kind reaction to your reach out, you will know that you have done everything in your power and you will received closure and finality for yourself, an asset that will help you navigate your life through subsequent steps.

Another thing that struck me from reading the OP was how unexpected the mentions of love were when I got to them. Maybe it is the cognitive dissonance between the very dry and remote language of attachment style classification and then the sudden mention of love, or maybe it is because I would not call the relationship as you describe it a loving one, and by that I mean from both ends.

To add: your post's title plainly says that you want to reach out. Follow your desire, but be smart about how you do it.

thanks for your reply
what makes it unloving from my side?

honestly, i feel like i would be devaluing myself in doing that. it may be smarter to lay low.

The language you used to talk about the relationship was very dry, detached, abstract and clinical. Just that.

Sure. And eventually get on with your life, too. Not just lay low and wait, but continue living a full life

hm. maybe 'cause i'm aquarius lmao.
nah seriously though i have been told to be "detached", it's interesting because i do love hard but have difficulty expressing my emotions. my childhood doesn't help either..

on his end, what was "unloving"?

this is the super annoying thing. like i'm here with the self control to not do it, but every single damn day he's on my mind it's so agitating. i am tortured by him & he's probably out there living his best life it's so unfair

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Originally Posted by coconutcoast this is the super annoying thing. like i'm here with the self control to not do it, but every single damn day he's on my mind it's so agitating. i am tortured by him & he's probably out there living his best life it's so unfair

Sadly you are the one being unfair to yourself because you aren't getting on with your own life instead of continuing to be trapped in your wounded victim role. You aren't being tortured by him, you are being tortured by your own mind.

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i have been told to be "detached", it's interesting because i do love hard but have difficulty expressing my emotions.

"Love" will never be true love & always be detached if it is not a 2 way thing & I mean in actions, not just someone "saying" they love you. True "love" is a bond between two people that connects the souls, not just superficial actions.

Laying low isn't the answer....getting on with your life is. Lol....I am an aquarius too.....so I know that is not the reason

Cut your losses and move on. He will not be able to give you what you need - he keeps showing you and he keeps telling you. So if you want to stay with him, do not expect him to change. It's on you, not him, as he is pretty consistent in how he is.

You have already been trying. How many more years are you going to keep your life on hold?

confused, which are proper actions if actions are also superficial?

also, super curious:
what would have been more "loving" ways to say things that I had said?
if you could give me examples with my phrase and a comparison.. that'd be marvelous.

Similarly, I reacted to the language used. For instance, he said that he was making an effort, which is not the typical lexicon of love. If you live hard but have trouble expressing it, he might not have learned that you loved him. That, too.

Let me work on it later, when I have some time.

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Originally Posted by coconutcoast confused, which are proper actions if actions are also superficial?

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He claimed he behaved the same w/ friends & fam, that it was mostly them seeking interaction w/ him & he was in his own solitary bubble most of the time. an introvert/lone wolf type i guess.

this behaviov creates superficial relationships because tgere is no REAL connection from him. Only lets you know what he cares to share so you never really get to know the person. You say you are similar so that creates another level of superficial on the relationship. At best, it is a totally dysfunctional relationship.

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We had our ups and downs, but in the grand scheme of things I perceived him to be a dismissive avoidant. He had all the signs, increasingly as our relationship progressed. Looking back now, I can see I also exhibited some avoidance, but more anxious/disorganized

Throwing labels at a problem is nothing more than making excuses for something that isn't working in the relationship. Avoidance causes behavior to be superficial because it means that the REAL things about a good relationship are being avoided & don't exist making it a superficial & very dysfunctional relationship.

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A couple months ago I brought to his attention how I don't feel like my presence mattered to him because he isn't as attached to me as I felt I was to him.

I think your feelings here were right on. Superficial behaviors will make you feel like your presence doesn't matter. I am just curious as to why you would waste your time on someone who makes you feel like this. People are who they are

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however i wanted more consistency & he felt i was pressuring him or wanting to "change him"

.......

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. if his conclusion really is i deserve better & he truly thinks/feels that, wouldn't he would deliver it?

He is telling you that it would be "changing him" for him to deliver what you want because that IS NOT WHO HE IS.

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i felt like he didn't love me & he assured me he did from the moment we met. & still does.

from reading your initial post here, I am not sure either of you really know what LOVE really is. That word gets thrown around a lot in dysfunctional relationships & most in dysfunctional relationships are clueless as to what real LOVE is. It is a REAL connection at the heart level between the 2 people in a relationship....not just a word to be thrown around because there is intimacy going on once in awhile when you don't even feel actual attachment from him. That is a total dysfunctional relationship from both sides

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in the grand scheme of things he actually doesn't have a "plan"/ "doesn't really know what he wants in life", i was confused and really hurt. i asked him why wait until now to tell me this, that it was inconsiderate of him after everything we've been through & i invested all i had. ⅚

interesting, because you said in the beginning that you had a lot on your plate & your basically "nothing" relationship was "all you could manage. That doesn't sound like investing very much of yourself into a relationship. What he was then was enough for you....obviously what his "plans" for life were pretty much irrelivant to the relationship you were satisfied with so why would it even be a topic of discussion until it became an issue to you at this point. He was satisfied with the relationship as it was & for who he is....pretty much a nothing relationship that you could manage.....but now it sounds like you want more & are not now satisfied with that same relationship & want more from someone who still wabts the relationship to stay the way it was. You were satisfied with him then, he expects you to be satisfied with it that way still. Basically this shines a light on just how incompatible you 2 actually are

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It is worth adding that the last time we were intimate I expressed regret afterwards. It had been months since i saw him & I felt like it was too impulsive. He brought up later how he didn't like my reaction at all & I seemed as if I "didn't want to go far" w/ him in the relationship.

sounds like he wants more of a friends with benefits relationship so he can get his "needs" met when he wants to without any REAL connection with you, throwing around the word "love" in a superficial way to try & make it sound real. Maybe he truly has no idea how to connect with others or what love really is. (My ex was clueless & so was I because of how dysfunctional my own parents were.....wasted 33 years in a marriage like that because I got my degree & had my career to distract me) one thing I learned is that it doesn't get better, only worse because the tolerance & excuses we use get really old after awhile & patience wears thin & fights grow.

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I don't want to move on without first trying to mend things if possible. I want to give it another go & this time if I find he hasn't reflected or gained insight into his wrongdoings & impact on the relationship then I am calling it quits.

In other words you want him to change which sounds exactly like what he doesn't want to do. I went through this when I walked out on my husband.....he claimed he changed but it wasn't a change I could see.....but by that time, honestly I hated him & there was probably nothing he could have done that would have saved the marriage. Instead, he reinforced 100 times over exactly why I was right in leaving & so happy to finally find peace in my life on my little farm in the country (2100 miles away)