This is very trivial but its bugging me !

My sons father rings a couple of times a week to speak to his sons. If i pick up the phone he just says hello, no how are you or who it is. This is really trivial i know but it bugs me. Sure we are divorced but i did spend 17 years of my life with him. Should i ring and tell him not to call & to call the boys on their mobiles or is it better just to ignore this. I know this is a trivial little thing but it is bugging me . I just feel so irrelivant.

trivial or not....it matters to you! If that were me I would bypass my ex altogether. Have ring the boys on their own phones.......IMO.

Sweet

"It's never too late to be what you might have been". George Eliot

I went through that when I got divorced, You will get over it, Letting go of what is familar is not easy

Keep sharing.

Sarah

Hi kmwg
It is frustrating when we feel we are being treated rudely or with indifference. We want things to be smooth and friendly and run the path of least resistance. I have caught myself hoping someone will to do this and find they did that instead, then if I wanted this or that I am pleased or not?? What I am saying sometimes we cant be pleased either way because our mindset is negative. We sometimes expect the worst or best and when it doesnt come that way we are miffed and displeased with an outcome even though it is possibly better than expectation. Other times we want people to jump through hurdles and when they dont we use that as evidence to support our mindeset.

Your ex is calling to chat with his kids. This is a new behaviour bcoz I assume he used to live with them [and you]. He might not be cheery with you but surely that is no reason to further excaserbate the system with your demands. Your experience is not trivial bcoz it affects you, it is easy to overcome with our own attitude though.

This sounds sick to many but sometimes we can be grateful things arent worse and move forward from that position. Please I know it doesnt sound convincing so if I may highlight how it works for me -:

My youngest is legally blind. Personally I have many times I wish with my heart this wasnt so, I lament and grief for her loss [of vision]. However she is not profoundly blind and is learning print reading and she does braille to keep in touch with her profoundly blind friends!

I am grateful for what vision she has as any functional vision is PROFOUNDLY good!!! It could be worse. Do you get my drift? I really feel the desiderata says it best - there will always be lesser and greater persons we must avoid vanity and bitterness.

How does this relate to you? I mean to say your husband could be worse or better but it might not make you happier! Lets not assume he is being rude and insensitive more over perhaps he is doing his best to avoid worse. You were married 17 years, he may still feel so familiar he doesnt think to announce himself on the phone.Time will help if you can accomodate him when he falls short of your expectation and all you can do is change your expectation not him. You can make it harder for him [and his kids] to maintain an already difficult situation.

Later you can explore with him why he doesnt do the standard Hi How are you's when you answer the phone to him. Just tell him how you feel, not why you think he is doing it. He might think he cant win either way and may be trying avoid potential conflicts -If he is not feeling threatened and we often feel threatened by the ex partners behaviour because we can read into it much more than there is, you may get down to some simple misunderstandings that are not intended to be rude.

Walking the talk is harder and I aint no saint, my ex lives in the same house with me and the kids and there are plenty of magic moments when I do the dummy spit and I am glad others let me off the hook sometimes!!! We are partners in parenting our children and for the time being cohab is whats working so we do it. I think we are much more tolerant of each other now.

None of it is trivial and most of it is workable when we broaden the aperture to include other angles. If I stand in the room facing the door and you face the window it is hard to appreciate the others outlook till we turn away from our own to look at theirs - we dont need to agree or condone, just look long enough to appreciate the different view will dispel our fears about their motives agenda etc. Most of us dont take the time of day to be horrible to others intentionally, just we dont KNOW what the other person is thinking and assume the worst!

Sorry if I talk too much!!!!! Goodluck -families are training grounds for out there -enjoy your day. Frances.

Hi kmwg,

If this bothers you then it isn't really trival. The thing I would do if it were me, would be to purchase an answering machine and allow it to screen your calls. That way, if you see it is him, then you could simply bypass the problem all together and allow him to leave a message for the boys to return his call or maybe the boys could answer the phone theirselves at that time. Either way, you wouldn't have to talk with him and that would take care of that. It might also send him a message that if he is going to call, then perhaps he could ne a little nicer to you.

Take care,
Sam