[kmwg]

Hi all :] Thank you for letting me post this. I am lost.Lost in a world with in myself.Looking for answers that i know have no answers. Am i to blame for my situation or is it just one of those things that life throws at us.
My story is not so unusual and not as disturbing as some i have read .But its my story and its me.
I was married for 16 years. My marriage was neither good nor bad. My childrens father never abused me and provided for us well. I spent most of my marriage waiting , waiting for it to get better. Waiting to feel that i was truely loved and valuable. Something that was impossible for my husband and i to do. We never commnicated well or valued each other. But it never was to be. I used to think about leaving . Instead my husband [ex] rang me on my birthday 2001 and told me it was over. He then proceeded to move in with my girlfriend who i suspected of having a long term affair with him. So we split up, have since divorced and i am now a single parent trying to keep my sainity.
I doubt myself. Continually , am i the definition of a *****. Am i a bad . Is it my destiny to be alone. Should i still be asking myself why? Why couldnt i be good enough to be loved? My father & mother divorced when i was an infant . My father has never made contact with me. So i feel very abandoned and unloveable.
I fear the future. Sure i have my autonomy. But i am alone. I am overweight , a blob and fear that i will die alone.
Its been long enough , i feel that i should be feeling impowered that i am my own boss . But in my heart i am alone.
My friend tell me i am intelligent and loveable . So why dont i believe them.
I feel lost. Lost with in me. I have asked my ex why he left. He cant tell me. But i know it wasnt just him. Our marriage had crackes.And eventually it all fell in.
But i cant help feeling that it was all my fautl. That i caused it that i am faulty.

[heidu]

There's alot I want to say but can't put it together right now. One thing I can promise you is that you are not unloveable. You said you have friends, kids....they love you. It sounds like you are feeling down about you. Dont let your marriage define you. You said it was off for a long time. Both of you didn't contribute. It took two. He just decided to move on. I know your hurting and I just want to send a hug your way.
Heidu

[kmwg]

Thanks for the hug Heidu. It helped.
I guess i just feel that i should have moved on by now.
I am so jealous , of my husband that he move straight into a loving relationship. Where as i feel left out in the cold. But life is what you make of it. So i will give myself a swift kick and get on with it. :]

[heidu]

Well there you go. I wish you the best. It won't be easy but in time you will get over the past, get thru the present and make your future.
Heidu

[sweetngentle]

I have experienced many of the same things you have. A couple exceptions...my husband of almost 23 yrs, and I, sold our home, split the equity and bought places of our own. We are still married...but live separately.

But a much more devastating experience was when my first husband walked out on me and our 2 & 1/2 yr old son. He lived together with my therapist!!!! Can you believe it? It was very difficult to have to deal with all of that. My son is now 30 and I'm glad all of that is behind me.

It sounds like you view yourself very negatively. Have you ever been involved in counseling? Regarding your weight...If you want to lose weight then fine......but it doesn't make you a bad or unlovable person for being over weight. Our culture focuses so very much on appearance rather than inside beauty. My 21 yr old daughter is very over weight...but she is the happiest jolliest person I know....and she is loved by a good many of people.

There is a book I recommened to another person who posted here, that I think would be of help to you. It's called "Telling Yourself The Truth" by William Backus & Marie Chapian (ISBN 0-87123-562-5). Here is an excerpt that caught my attention when I first read the book:
"Most of what happens in your life happens because of the way you think. Wrong thinking produces wrong emotions, wrong reactions, wrong behavior...and unhappiness. Telling yourself the truth can show you how to identify your own misbeliefs and replace them with the truth."

I hope that may be of some help to you.
Please get back with us and keep us up-dated, ok?

Sweet

"It's never too late to be what you might have been". George Eliot

[kmwg]

Dear Sweets :]
thank you for your kind words.
Have ordered the book you suggested.
Cheers
kmwg

[emoangel]

Well. what i see here is what in psychology is called a fearful attachment. You felt like you werent loved you say and maybe you also felt like your partner was not going to be able to meet your emotional needs, or you were afraid of being unlovable which you state and lastly you did want the relationship, which is why you waited. Im no Dr john grohol *big grin* but im just taking what i learned and applying it, sorry it turned out to be on you lol, if this does offend you.

What im going to say is, of course your not unlovable, im sure that you have many good qualities about you and that your loveable. Secondly, of course your not a *****, why would anyone marry a *****? right? You just have to have some self esteem, thats a major problem im working on. As for not meeting your emotional needs, its obvious that he didnt, and so its better for you to be on your own, and working on yourself, and maybe you will find someone who will be able to love and support you ten times more than your spouse did. Its obvious he didnt love you at all if he cheated on you. Thats really rough. I hope things get better for you in the future, and that you overcome your fearful attachment. Lol. Its nothing something you want to keep carrying with you. Believe me, i have one myself im trying to work out. I hope i didnt offend you by trying to apply what i learned, i tend to remember things better that way, and since im gonna have an exam on it someday, i better start now. Anyways, good luck, believe in yourself, your a worth while person whose worth loving and who deserves to be loved and supported, just like all of us here do. Good luck *hug*

"in a haze a stormy haze i'll be round i'll be loving you always, always...here i am and i take my time here i am ill wait in line always, always..." ~coldplay~

[Sam]

Hi kmwg,

I think that at sometime or another, everyone feels a little lost. At leat, I've never known anyone to feel great all the time and not have doubts and fears.

All relationships take work though. You mentioned you kept waiting and perhaps your ex kept waiting too. To me, and I may be completely wrong here (my apologies if I am) that the biggest problem in your marriage was lack of communication between the two of you.

But that's certainly not anything for you to beat yourself up for. Hey, everyone makes mistakes, and God knows I've certainly made my share. And I'm not trying to make you feel badly in saying what I did above.

What I am trying to say (please bear with me here) is that no matter what happened in the past, maybe you can look back upon it and see things that you would do over, if you could.

Why? To keep yourself from making them again, and I too believe you are a very lovable person and have a lot to live for.

I think you're a very strong person, and I believe it because of the strength I see in your writing. I also think you're pretty smart and will be able to find that someone for you. Don't ask me how, as I've never quite figured it out either how one can divorce and find another so fast.

And if you've read my posts you know I'm different from the average guy. I'm not bad (or I don't think so), just different. It seems like I can never find that special one, for whatever reason.

But I also realize it is important to be positive and not sit around waiting. Some things just have to have a little extra push and relationships are that way.

I know too that as a mom and two kids at home, that it isn't as easy for you to get out and meet guys. Hey, supermarkets are a great place to meet them - everyone eats.

And don't beat yourself up because you're not some young sexy thing either. They may have their day, but just because they do, it doesn't mean you can't either. Hey, I'm no spring chicken either. Sighsss.

Sweetie, think positive and make things happen. Sure it may take some doing as I know it is hard to get back in the market. But do it when you feel like it. And only then.

You mentioned you were overweight. Compared to what or who? Sweetie, some guys like skin and bones and there are guys out there that likes a woman with some meat on her bones. God, I hope I said that right. Anyway, none of us are picture perfect.

I guess what I'm trying to say more than anything, is this - You've been through a lot, and it hasn't been something you do everyday, so naturally you feel down. The thing is, you can stop that and make a life for yourself that you will probably enjoy even more. And you have two wonderful kids to share it with.

You hang in there and keep the faith!

Sam