A memory that has been bugging me

<font color="purple"> Maybe posting it here will help?

I remember it was when I was about 6...possibly seven, I was playing in my room, and then I don't remember if my brother asked me to come into his room or if I was bored and wanted to see what he was up to...anyways, I walked in, and the next thing I know he has me pinned on the bed with his hands around my throat trying to strangle me!

He was seven at the time, and I don't think he really meant any harm by it, just a new way to learned how to beat me up I guess (we used to beat eachother up alot) but it still scared the crap out of me.

I don't think this was the only time though, I mean, the only time he had his hands around my neck like that, (I think I even did that to him too, I don't have a great memory with these things)

By the way, my brother is almost exactly one year and 8 months older them me (give or take a day)

I guess it's been bugging me alot lately, and I think that if I told somebody IRL, they would have a hard time believing it, and I know he would probably deny it. (even if he wasn't ashamed, he hit his head off a brick when he was around 8, and doesn't remember that much before then) at this point, I'm not sure if I can believe it myself. It wouldn't be the first time that my memories from that era were warped.

I used to write a little journal for school, but I destroyed it when I was 10, because it was full of lies, and I felt a bit of shame and hatred about lieing to my teacher. The thing I remember most about that journal was that I wrote that me dad gave me a little dog and we would take it everywere (thus, it appeared numeros times in my entries) even though we didn't have a dog with dad and I didn't have any imaginary friends. ...I digress</font>

Kaika,

A couple things really struck me in your post. You are calling what you wrote in your journal as a child "lies". That felt really harsh to me, especially given how young you were. Perhaps what was really going on was something else. Perhaps you were writing a fantasy life of sorts, one with a puppy who would make you feel loved and needed? Were you lacking these things as a child? Perhaps that's why you repeated it numerous times? Perhaps you really needed to express in some way that your father -- or someone else -- was neglecting your need for the joy and love that getting a puppy would show? Is any of this sounding familiar to you? Some of it at least?

I feel like you are being awfully hard on yourself, looking back on yourself as a child years later. It's almost like you are trying to give that little child adult capabilities to stay truthful. Children at age 10 do "bad" things, like telling lies like this, as a reflection of other things going wrong or lacking in their lives. The "why" is more important than what you did. Try focusing on what was going on in your life at that time, what you had or what you lacked. Either way, don't beat yourself up over childhood behavior. You're not a bad person. You were only a child.

Regarding your brother ... I doubt you are making this up or "warping" things very much. The memory keeps coming back to you and you haven't been able to dismiss it. Plus, it's very specific. Please understand that children often suppress or "forget" traumatic memories and feelings. It's a defense mechanism. The memories and feelings can return years later when your psyche is ready to address them. When that happens, you need to address them and work to heal from the lingering pain. Denying them just because you used to tell "lies" will not help you to heal. Trust your feelings -- they are telling you something. Focus on your feelings and you will know your real truth.

I am also struck by the possible connection between your journaling "lies" and focusing on violence with your brother. You have posted these together. They probably belong together. What it tells me is that your brother, behaving the way he did at such a young age, was possibly being physically abused. Did you witness this? That would feel very unsafe for you, especially as such a young child. Feeling that unsafe could have driven you into a fantasy existance to find a sense of safety -- thus, the recurring puppy fantasy.

Hope I'm not too off base in this. I'm inferring a lot. But my hunch is your life was very hard as a child -- mine was, and I can see a lot of myself in what you wrote.

Hope these thoughts or observations are helpful. If not, I still wish you well, of course.

mtd

((((((((kaika))))))))

Im sorry that your brother hurt you so much.

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mtd said:
The memory keeps coming back to you and you haven't been able to dismiss it. Plus, it's very specific. Please understand that children often suppress or "forget" traumatic memories and feelings. It's a defense mechanism. The memories and feelings can return years later when your psyche is ready to address them. When that happens, you need to address them and work to heal from the lingering pain.

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(((((kaika)))))
this is a really tough position to be in. I agree totally with what mtd said, as that is EXACTLY what I am going through now. I have tried to deny these memories for the past...nearly 18months... but am being to realise that it is as mtd said- very specific, recurring, and probably for a good reason.
If you have any questions or need to talk or PM someone please feel free to PM me. I would like to help you in your journey, especially becoz I am there right now. All the best.

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mtd said:
Kaika,

A couple things really struck me in your post. You are calling what you wrote in your journal as a child "lies". That felt really harsh to me, especially given how young you were. Perhaps what was really going on was something else. Perhaps you were writing a fantasy life of sorts, one with a puppy who would make you feel loved and needed? Were you lacking these things as a child? Perhaps that's why you repeated it numerous times? Perhaps you really needed to express in some way that your father -- or someone else -- was neglecting your need for the joy and love that getting a puppy would show? Is any of this sounding familiar to you? Some of it at least?

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Well, I don't remember that much about life with my dad, but the concept does sound familiar. My Mom and her boyfriend at the time (who is now my stepfather) are/were the kind of parents who very loving and supportive, and wrapped their children in 10 diffrent kinds of bubble wrap, but outside from them, I'm not sure. Well, I know that my babysitter and her 3 daughters were abusive (verbal) I can only imagine what my dad was like, because he was really depressed alot after he and mom were seperated

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mtd said:
I feel like you are being awfully hard on yourself, looking back on yourself as a child years later. It's almost like you are trying to give that little child adult capabilities to stay truthful. Children at age 10 do "bad" things, like telling lies like this, as a reflection of other things going wrong or lacking in their lives. The "why" is more important than what you did. Try focusing on what was going on in your life at that time, what you had or what you lacked. Either way, don't beat yourself up over childhood behavior. You're not a bad person. You were only a child.

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Well, these events occured when I was 6, and when I found my journal again, I was about 10/11, and that's when I destroyed in for lying. Looking back on it now, it's not such a big deal to me if I made things up or not, (it would be interesting to read it again if I could) but bak then for whatever reason it really upset me.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
mtd said:
Regarding your brother ... I doubt you are making this up or "warping" things very much. The memory keeps coming back to you and you haven't been able to dismiss it. Plus, it's very specific. Please understand that children often suppress or "forget" traumatic memories and feelings. It's a defense mechanism. The memories and feelings can return years later when your psyche is ready to address them. When that happens, you need to address them and work to heal from the lingering pain. Denying them just because you used to tell "lies" will not help you to heal. Trust your feelings -- they are telling you something. Focus on your feelings and you will know your real truth.

I am also struck by the possible connection between your journaling "lies" and focusing on violence with your brother. You have posted these together. They probably belong together. What it tells me is that your brother, behaving the way he did at such a young age, was possibly being physically abused. Did you witness this? That would feel very unsafe for you, especially as such a young child. Feeling that unsafe could have driven you into a fantasy existance to find a sense of safety -- thus, the recurring puppy fantasy.

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I'm not sure if he was physicly abused or not...and if he was, then I didn't whitness it...or, like you said, am just plain supressing the memories until the time is ready for them. As far as I remember though, my brother has always been a pretty violent guy. I think he really needs help sometimes. He says he's just messing around, but I think it's a little odd when almost ALL you do to kid around is beating up stuff...even before he hit pueberty. He can be really nice too, but he doesn't show alot of respect for me and I know it.

I know for a fact that my stepbrother on my step-dad's side is incredibly violent and has alot of psycological issues (he actualy went to jail/psych ward for awhile after beating his girlfriend after doing an entire sheet of acid, and that's the just the tip of he iceberg here) maybe he did something in the past that I don't remember, I know it's not beyond him, and I only have ONE memory of him from the 8 months that he lived with us. I also know that he's very manipulative, and was the driving force between her and my stepdad's initial seperation by telling his dad lies about my mom. Mom also told me one time that he kept on harassing her until she cried when nobody was around- but not to tell my stepdad because at the time she told me this, they already had enough hatred going between them.

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mtd said:
Hope I'm not too off base in this. I'm inferring a lot. But my hunch is your life was very hard as a child -- mine was, and I can see a lot of myself in what you wrote.

Hope these thoughts or observations are helpful. If not, I still wish you well, of course.

mtd

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Life was hard for me as a child- but I don't think that it was all that bad. Even though my parents were seperated and later divorced at a very young age, they still put us first so my brother and I didn't have to go through alot of the stresses most kids with divorced parents face. The only real dark spots I can think of is the abusive babysitter (6) and when virtualy everybody at school besides the teachers and what little friends I had hated me (7-13) about everybody at school hating me...yeah, I'm not exagerating on this one. Even the kids younger then me had picked on me, my dad thinks it's not true though, because of my friends. I had a breakdown sometime in elementary school, I'm not sure when, and when my teacher asked me why I was crying all I could say was "Nobody loves me." sure, everybody said they loved me and gave me a hug, but that really didn't change anything later on, as I was the subject of harassment until 7th grade where I 'somehow' developed some social skills.

I guess if I shined the negative light on my childhood it would go like this:
Depressed father, unstable mother (in the sense that she's kind of a fickle person, and moves as often as she changes her socks) somewhat-violent brother, a few friends, and anyone else pretty much couldn't care less if I died.

...sorry for the overly-long post

Kaika,

I think you are working really hard to figure out your feelings and who you are. I applaud you for that. Your willingness to examine yourself this way is courageous and it will help you heal.

Yes, you have been through a lot, though I see you trying to minimize it. There was a lot of instability, pain and uncertainty in your life, and it feels from the way you write it that you have felt very alone, as well as harassed. You deserved better. Please know that. And you can empower yourself now to reach out and build a more fulfilling life for yourself.

Now, you also wrote "sorry for the overly-long post." Sounds like me - never want to be a bother, or at least not too much. Please know though that there is no such thing as an overly-long post. You have a lot to express and YOU DESERVE TO BE HEARD. We are here for you. Express as much as you need to and ask for as much as you need. It's not a burden.

be well,

mtd