Judgemental Sister

I'm back in touch with my sister a few days ago after 7 days but have so far kept my distance, e-mails and texts only. But she's starting to talk about having me stay at hers for a few days and also wonders why I'm never available on the phone when she calls.

It's because she's always been judgemental/ sanctimonious (sorry don't know how else to describe her) and my health, both physical and mental, are much worse since she last saw me. My doctor currently has me on disability and she's always been judgemental about that one.

I'm just wary about going to see her as I've no idea what to say to her about my health, or how to react if she starts verbally attacking me in her old manner?

Any advice much appreciated.

I don't know what to say I just wanted to know that I am here for you. My sister and I don't always see eye to eye on everything but we are getting better. My sister is 6 years older than I am and lets me know she is the older sister. I try to let what she says just roll off my back but sometimes that just isn't possible and I internalize it and that gets ugly. If you need to vent I'm here just PM me I'll listen.

Jbug

Thank you jbug

i think you should be honest with her and tell her how you feel about her and why and tell her what you need from her and would like from her... tell her you wish she would be supportive of you.

I know that's the best thing to do. Just easier said than done coz I'm in coward mode atm.

But I'll give it a go, thanks

Wondering if it would be out of order to remind her if needs be all the stuff I supported her thru before we lost touch?

What right does she have to judge you Jane? Aren't sisters supposed to be supportive? Good grief!

Unfortunately we can pick our friends and not our relatives...I agree with Courtknee and tell her straight out that you wish she
would be more understanding and supportive...

Good luck on with this and I'm also here if you need to vent, rant or rave...better to let it out! Then hold it in..take care

Thank you ziggy

I am a great one for sending letters, if you find it hard to tell her then spend a few days writing a letter to her it will give you time to adjust it to just how you feel it should be and then you wont be saying anything in anger or forgetting things you wanted to say.

(((Tishie)))

Never thought of that.

I always wished I had a sister...but I guess it is not always pleasant...Hope you two get back together without being judgemental...! Have you ever told your sister how you feel?

Remember family can be those we pick in our lives who we want to share it with. Sometimes the ones we are born to are not the family we keep. At least up close. As a sister who has many sisters I can tell you from both sides. Try to listen to he intentions. Maybe she uses the wrong words. It's okay to say that really hurts me and I don;t know how to be with you when you talk like that because I feel you are putting me down. I wish you luck. Give her a try and see where her head is at. Let us know.

I wouldn't tell her anything about my health or any other subject I was uncomfortable talking to her about. If she brought it up, I'd have a pat sentence like, "I don't wish to discuss that. . . now" or, "with you," however you can word it so it closes the door on discussion without upsetting you unduly. Maybe, "at this time"? Before you go to see her, make a list of things you can, would like to talk about in detail so you'll always have something to change the subject to.

Hi Bethsway, wisewoman and Perna

Well, I asked for advice and I've certainly got lots. I'll chew everybodies advice over before I talk to her, then I at least know where my head is on this one and I'm in control, be ina better position to not get bullied or upset over it.

(((Bethsway)))

(((wisewoman)))

(((perna)))

(((everybody)))

Hi Jane
I have had similar conversations with my sisters. I sent them an email explaining that I was communicating this way because I was having a hard time putting my thoughts together while we talked. I would often hang up feeling beat up. That wasn't their intention but none the less.

I explained to them that while I appreciated their concern and wanted their support, these were the choices I made and I did not want them questioning them. I explained that what I needed from them was their patience, love and to sit with me, listen to me when I needed to talk.

I didn't say this to be mean, but we had reached a point you seem to be with your sister. They weren't happy with it but they respected it. I didn't say, but I implied that it was either this or I wouldn't be able to continue to share with them. I have enough to deal with.

They are well intentioned and I know they love me, but they have different ideas of how my illness should be treated. In the end, they are not the ones to have to go through it, and thankfully, they have no idea what its like.

I wish you luck with your sister.

Thank you tsha, it's all good advice. And yes, it is at the stage you say but I can only but try.

I have the same problem with my sister. First, I'm trying to avoid her when I'm feeling vulnerable. Next, I'm going to avoid any situation where I can't leave when I've had enough. Like, I'll meet her at the mall instead of at one of our homes.

I'm thinking about making up a friend. Then I can always say, "Oh I'm sorry. ____ and are are just doing so much. Let me get back to you."

I tried to be honest with my sister, but she got crazy angry. You can only be honest with reasonable people. But it was worth a try. Now I know better.

Update:

Not really sure in the point of this post except maybe posting it will help clear my head...I'm a bit pneumonic atm and can't think straight as it is.

Anyway, turns out for the minute my sis is not the least bit concerned about what my physical/ mental health probs are. She just wants me to show up asap to give her back-up and support coz she's having serious D.V.probs.

Ok, I have ptsd, agoraphobia and a history as a D.V. victim myself....am I being selfish in telling her that I'll come visit but I have to stay in a hotel rather than her house coz this D.V. stuff might just freak me out??? I mean I'm dealing with the police myself just now to get a jerk stalker off my back, do I really need her begging me to go up there and be her back-up?...or am I just being a selfish wotsit?

If anybody thinks I'm just being selfish, please feel free to jump in and say.

Taking care of yourself is NEVER selfish. (Even though we were taught that it was.) Obviously she has no problem taking care of herself to the point that she ignores your problems. You need to protect yourself. I think you're smart, not selfish.

Some of us have trouble setting our boundaries. But it is one of the best things we can do to protect ourselves. If she gives you grief about it, just keep remembering that you have to take care of yourself first. Otherwise we have nothing left to offer anyone else anyway.

Thanx Doh, to be honest that's why I offered what I thought was a compromise - staying in a hotel. That way I'm there to offer support but at the same time I have a safe place to go when things get too hot. And you're right, we are reared to believe that taking care of ourselves is selfish.

Thanx for your input, it's always welcome and does help.

'Scuse me while I have a rant here but this sister of mine is driving me loopy

I sometimes think reproduction should be illegal



(LMAO sorry but for some reason I'm laughing at my own anger here!
Screwed up alert! )

I found the best way of all to deal with family I dont get on with is to cut them off and to count I have removed so many I only have hubby and my kids to talk to so maybe not a good idea lmao.

(((((((((tishie))))))))

you've always got your pc family

Awwwwwwwww thanks and HUGS to you !

You are not inappropriately selfish at all. You are taking good care of yourself.

I hope you do stay at a hotel and not at her place.

With my sister I had to point her in the direction of professional help - social services, therapy, etc. I'd remind myself that getting re-traumatized while trying to support my sister wouldn't help anyone, that there is plenty of help available, and that I'm not a therapist. Even if I was, I wouldn't be seeing my sister in therapy!

I figure that especially the more dangerous a potential situation is, the more that professional help needs to be called in.

Thank you CedarS

and to you.