[geekgirl]

Well...I lurk a lot here! I didn't realize it's been what...over 5 years since my last post. I guess things have been pretty good during that time.

But I am in a situation with a relationship that has me concerned. I've been dating someone for the past 2 years that I'm slowly beginning to realize may end up nowhere...as in pure frustration for me. I'm trying to sort it out.

Short version of the story is when we first met he was a self-confessed workaholic. I thought...ok, no problem. This is just a date and I love my job too...I work quite a bit and love the friendships and activities associated with my job. To me, my career was and still is a big part of my life.

Then as we got to know each other, he would make jokes about having OCD. He would put the change back from a purchase in his wallet and would have to spend extra time sorting out the bills so they were all in the same order. If someone moved his stapler, he'd have to put it in the same place and same position. Yellow flag.

Then about a year ago, I was planning a move and my new home wouldn't be ready for about six weeks. He offered for me to stay with him and I said ok. During that time, I was somewhat miserable. He's got this thing about "multi-tasking" (which to me is the quickest way to craziness!). We came home from work one night and proceeded to make some supper. He puts some food on the grill, starts doing his taxes, and talk on the phone at the same time. I did laundry. Food started burning. I get it off of the grill and turn off the grill. He didn't notice...he was too busy being confused with the tax program and the phone conversation. I rescue food and leave clothes in dryer. He hangs up phone and asks me a million questions about his taxes and the software. Then he gets upset because the food was burned and the clothes were wrinkled what happened?! We ate cold burned food LOL. Another yellow flag.

Now I am noticing him having conversations that are obsessive. One not too long ago. He had a check up with his doctor with a stress test. STress test showed he had a possible mild blockage (we're both middle aged) but to follow it up with another test. He refused to do this because he didn't want to be "medically poor" (whatever that means...he's got a very good job and health insurance). He was just angry at his doctor for the cost (he had to pay several hundred dollars for the stress test because it went towards the deductible). But he went on for at least an hour about how he was getting ripped off by the doctor and he would be medically poor if he went through any treatments for a "possible mild blockage." Arghghg!

Then we were watching some of the NCAA basketball games recently...something I really really enjoy. We were in a sports bar and I'm just having fun dishing it back and forth wtih some of the waitresses and customers (I was wearing a Kentucky shirt, the waitress was a Duke fan...we were just having fun). I get told I was being a smart aleck because I wasn't being "respectful" of someone who liked Duke (I told the waitress I called Duke "Puke" lol). Then I get to listen to an hour long monologue about how some people have life handed to them with college athletic scholarships, that he had a poor family who didn't have the chance to put him in college and he played good football in high school and was talented... yada yada yada. I ruined my fun I have to say. I was having a blast before he went into this monologue, but that just was like a pin in my fun balloon.

He's actually an honest, nice person. But he constantly reminds me how hard he's had to work at things and can't just find the time to have fun like that or obsessing about stuff he has no control over when we are together. It's beginning to wear me down.

I think I need advice from anyone who might have experience with being in a relationship with an OCD or OCDP personality. I have no clue. There are times it's like he doesn't have it...we can go hiking or be out somewhere and he's fine. But stress really seems to trigger it...the doctor thing seemed to trigger it. If he seems embarassed about something, it triggers it. (He admitted to me later he was a little embarassed about the NCAA thing because I was a female who knew boatloads about NCAA sports....I don't "get" that...I just grew up around it. )

I wonder some days if I want to stay or go with this relationship. There are times I have no clue what to do. He's sensitive...diverting the conversation sometimes has negative results, like he's hurt or insulted. If I defend myself, he has to explain all the more. Like the "Puke" comment. He had to take an hour to patiently explain to me how he was taught to always be respectful and sportsmanlike (and I'm thinking "hey...it's ONLY a game...I'm having fun!...but he doesn't "get" that). It makes me wonder if I'm being too flippant or not serious enough or something enough!!

I know this is long and rambly. And I don't know what to do...I think just hearing from anyone who might have experiences with this type of person might be helpful. Anyone?

[Dancer_in_the_light]

He sounds like my dad- a normal, type A personality who had to work his way to the top and gets concerned about me and my brother appreciating the things we have. He drives my mom up the wall sometimes with how much of a neat nick he is, and how tight his wallet can get, but it's just who he is. It's not OCD.

The doctor thing? He had to spend more money than he was expecting too. To a person who had to work hard all their life, it's very big deal. The sports thing? Sports is a guy thing, and guys look bad to other guys when they don't know as much about sports as their girlfriend. It's the way men work, honey. Of course he'd be embarrassed. And since not many people are good at handling embarrassment, of course he'd try to cover it some other way.

As for whether you should go or should you stay, ask yourself this: Are his quirks (and that's all they really sound like to me) a fair price for all of his good traits? Are they something you'll be able to deal with for the rest of your life? Or are you just unable or unwilling to work through that?

No one is perfect- I'm sure you have flaws that get on his nerves. The key is trying to understand and accept people as they are - flaws and all.

[geekgirl]

Child,

You are so right. I ended up taking most of the weekend "off" from him, just doing stuff I needed to catch up on. Amazing to me how that space put my head into a better perspective.

We had a series of long, involved conversations about his "problems" before I posted (not OCD but the doctor, money worries, cleaning his place to sell, etc.) and honestly, I think I got tired of it. Maybe I was being selfish or mean. I had a lot on my plate too...went back to school, got sick myself with the flu, my kids were trying to make plans with me for summer.

I see some of this as quirks and some as possible OCD tendencies. And no, it's not worth ditching a relationship. Like you say, and like so many friends of mine say...it what it is, he is who he is. And honestly...in many ways...I'm 100% opposite of him. (I have NO neat-nik tendencies whatsoever but am %#@&#! in my own ways too--I'd argue about Duke and Kentucky and whomever...I just know that stuff LOL).

Arghgh. I think I needed to vent!

[Dancer_in_the_light]

PC is the perfect place to let off some steam. Glad to help.

You two sound like my parents. Allow me to illustrate:

My dad uses an electronic hand mixer to make scrambled eggs, to make sure they're mixed perfectly. He would never ever use a fork, because it wouldn't give him the perfect texture. My mom used the electronic hand mixer to mix up paint for the dining room because she figured it would be faster. My dad wasn't angry, just very very confused as to how she could even think that up.

I like to say my dad is unaware that anything exists outside the box, and my mom is unaware that a box exists.

[Perna]

I had a boyfriend that sounds a little like yours but I was leery of him from the start. We'd be washing his car at my parents house and he'd wash behind me, all the places I'd washed. I flew out to California to visit him and he was living at home (parents and 2 other brothers) and I didn't like how he treated his mother, LOL. But what clinched the deal was we went to the State Fair and he was playing a video game (at a State Fair with all its wonders and he's in a tent playing video games?) and I happened to be standing in a spot that blocked a ray of sun and when I got bored (he was playing the game for the 3rd or 4th time, etc.) and moved he literally started whining at me to move back so he could keep playing! That and cleaning rifles and taking me out into the hills (I thought we were going to a range and had totally inappropriate shoes on for mountain climbing :-) and making me shoot after he was finished so the target would be "clean" for him so he could see how well he'd done.

This was back in the early 1970's so there wasn't any OCD, etc. talk/knowledge back then so I just wrote it off as being selfish. He married a woman but kept calling me when she was out (I was very glad I lived across country from him) and mostly complained about her because she did her own thing (she ice skated I think it was) and didn't do things according to his program. He'd want some toy (vehicle, boat, I forget what all) and she wouldn't help save for it, wouldn't give "her" money toward it, etc. When they had a baby, he was still calling me and still complaining, often his wife was out doing her once a week thing and he was having to babysit. LOL.

I would look at how badly his behaviors bug you and whether you want to continue putting up with them because I don't think they'll change much?

[Dancer_in_the_light]

That sounds like narcissism, Perna.... Or a spoiled brat....

[geekgirl]

"I like to say my dad is unaware that anything exists outside the box, and my mom is unaware that a box exists. "

OMG Child, you nailed it


I almost hate to admit this, but the older I guess, the less boxes there are in my life!! All I can think now I I must be one heck of a walking wall of confusion to him. A typical conversation between us (at supper time). I'll be cooking. I love to cook. So it's fun to me to make a mess in the kitchen and I usually produce something pretty darn good. Not long ago, I made a whole pot of chicken caccitore. We ate, he said he liked it. I said thanks. Then...(this really burst my bubble)...he said "but I don't know why you go through that effort, it's such a waste to dirty all those dishes, I'll eat anything." (And this is very true--it's like he has no taste buds.)

The thing is, this whole "waste" thing wears at me. I grabbed one of those plastic toothpicks this weekend, something got stuck in a cap. Got done with it, threw it out. He witnesses that I threw it out. Says to me "you can reuse those...I use them all day." I told him I'd remember to save mine for him to reuse. I don't think he "got" it LOL.

If I don't find the humor in this situation, I'll go crazy!

Arghghg.

[geekgirl]

Perna,

That's what I'm thinking...that I need to look at these behaviors and how they're bothering me. I know I'll never, ever be able to live with this guy. First, we're both in different cities and no way would I give up my job to move even just the short distance back to my old town. (We maintained the relationship, we started it when we lived in the same town.)

I just keep looking in my heart and thinking I can't do that. I know things he does and says like the waste stuff isn't meant as criticism or insult, but in the example about my cooking...I kept thinking..."don't you do ANYTHING just for the sheer joy of it?" That's cooking to me. Heck, I've been known just to put together a stew or pan of lasagne just to deliver to friends or family just because i like doing it.

It just seems to me I'd feel like I am stuck in the mud if I'd be in his shoes...looking at a bunch of old boxes and thinking who to give all that stuff away to. We did this exercise for a weekend recently. He had stuff like old A/B switch boxes and computer cable and 30 year old books with mold on them--and he's asking his kids to take it instead of throwing it out. And then he's upset when they don't take it right away or they "forget."

I could go on and on about incidents like described here and it only reinforces what I'm feeling and thinking. Still, I feel like in a quandry. Do I want to let these "traits" get to me enough to give up a relationship? It's not all one-sided and I'm sure my lack of a box frustrates him. And we do get along well. And if he's not worried about "saving or wasting," he can have a good time and just relax--heck put him on his motorcycle and none of that crosses his mind.