Toxic People and Questioning Motives. Is it normal?

Since this is in "General" I guess I can say what I want. First and foremost, my people at PC - you have been very good to me and I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart. Never did I think I could find such understanding people all across the world....much less on the internet.

Now to the root of my post. This may be a bit of a rant.

My first question is - is there really toxic people out there? People who just cause you upheaval and emotional distress literally on a weekly or even daily basis. And it seems like these people attract other toxic people. For example (I guess what made me think of this). My ex and I have been kinda sorta seeing one another. I love the man and have an almost addicting attraction to everything about him. (I tend to see the best in people to a fault but I am also outspoken about their issues that I see.) Chemistry is the word I am looking for. Pure chemistry. However, he is a recovering alcoholic - as so am I. BUT - nowhere near the extent to what he was. I was more of a social drinker. A college binge drinker if you will. But here's the thing. Well, several.

He has an ex that is the mother of his two children. I think she has her own set of issues, as we all do. But honestly, she has the distinct ability to bring out the worst in him. AND I MEAN THAT. And anytime he talks to her more than a few minutes or about the kids, I begin to worry. Probably because I found out after we broke up that he was giving her money on top of her child support behind my back. I also found out that he was basically bad-mouthing me to her. What I find so iroinic is that I love this man so much. How I can not tell him to take a long walk on a short pier like I have done the rest. Its strange. But regardless, I found out that she was like a behind the scenes confidant. I'm not so mad about anything he said about me - more so about the secretiveness of it all. Why hide something? I don't know it just bothers me.

So all in all. He has started his parts business and I inadvertently started helping him because I have 10 years of accounting experience and a Bachelor's Degree in Business Administration. So now I am involved in this (I know, slap me upside the head). But - when you love someone you want to see them do well and prosper, and become the person up underneath all the crap that you know they can be. I guess I'm just a sap - lol- a sap who wants to see the best in everyone. Well here's the scenario with the biz. He brought a girl with him from the old parts store who is also a very close friend of his. The relationship is platonic and I have no fears that he has had intimacy with her. Totally no worries there.

Now this girl along with the ex, I believe is toxic too. She has 3 children. Two are from a previous man who waived all rights to the 2 children and one child is with her most recent ex husband who lacks paying child support ever. When my ex and I lived together she would pick him up for work because they worked a the same place together. But, my ex is a very giving person to the point of making himself broke. We calculated that he was giving her like $80.00 a week in gas. It was ridiculous. Well not long after - we broke up. But during this time this girl was always broke and basically always begging. I suppose there was some more things I was not told about all the money he was giving her too.

The problem with this girl is, she is someone who will not help herself. She spends money on phone ringtones, McDonald's, burns up gas in her car going places she does not need to......it's crazy. I'm not perfect but, I think I would devise a budget if I had three kids to raise. It' hard enough to raise myself!

So, the business starts and she comes with. The first two weeks she takes a $50.00 bill he gave her for lunch, buys lunch and doesn't come back with the change. Like week 4 - after his cash drawyer is already $80.00 Short, gives her the company credit card to get gas! So she takes $40.00 in gas and then withdrawls $40.00 CASH. OH MY! My first question to him was, "Why did you give her the card, are you nuts?" He knows what she does, she takes advantage, and LEGALLY we cannot deduct that from her pay. I looked it up on the U.S. Dept of Labor website. He calls and gripes to me about how she will do nothing he tells her, stays on the computer for all hours of the day, hasn't finished one measely display in a month. But my question is - why are you griping when you can't get the guts up to tell her. If she is doing wrong TELL HER.

So he just fires her. Tells her she has 2 weeks to find a job. MIND YOU, it took him a WEEK to get up the gumption to do that. If someone is harming you - why don't you put a stop to it???? I mean especially when it's black and white that they are stealing from you and taking advantage from you.

So what sparked this post......this afternoon I was on the phone with him at work. I saw where his ex had left a message on his email (that I check because it is the business email) that she would see him at 4:30 - well WOW. So I call and ask what's up with that. HE says yeah, she's coming to buy this fish tank I have for sale. ANd my quesiton is #1 - you talked to her long enough to tell her you have a fish tank for sale, and #2 - you gave her such a good deal - it's worth aobut $30O with the stand. Maybe it's petty but, it just makes me question the motives. So I expressed that I thought things were shady. I think they are shady with his employee, with her, with what he tells me, with it all. It's my gut. So he says, after I tell him how shady I think things are, "Here we go with your issues again." HA! My issues. You built the fire man - that's my take on it. Am I not allowed to have doubt, or ask questions, or question motives when they have been totally off kilter and behind my back in the past. IS that wrong? Am I just thinking to hard. Should I just chill? I don't know. Totally confused. Your comments and thoughts are appreciated. I'll be glad to elaborate on any questions you have, I'm an open book and I REALLY want to get to the bottom of this.

Thanks.

Toxic peeps that we care for ,, I don't think actually see what they do as far as being an anchor or hill to climb .

They simply believe that they have every right to live their lifes ,, and If WE choose to be apart of it >>> That would be of our own making .

I call them Passive aggresive. ........

Best advice I can give is what I do ... Be it right or wrong .... I Look after ,,,,, and shake my head ALOT !!!

StarPonys, I read the whole thing :-) But I was kind of stuck here:

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
StarPonysMama said:
My ex and I have been kinda sorta seeing one another.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Is he an ex or ain't he :-) If you're not totally together, he has his life and you have yours. You can hook up with him if that is what you want to do with your time/money/life but don't get to "control"/comment on what he does with his; he's a "free" man and if he wants to stand naked in the street and throw all his money up in the air for whoever wants it, he can do that? That's his choice.

If he's sneaky, that's his choice, his style; you can't do a whole lot about that. He can give his money to his ex and children, hire n'er do well assistants and foolishly give them his credit card. You can have an opinion but, as my stepmother use to say when I'd offer mine unsolicited, "Who asked you?" :-) What can you do? I think you'll get yourself eaten up on the inside from questioning stuff you can't control; you can only decide what you want to do, who you want to be with and have contact with, etc. not anyone else.

Solid advice (((((Perna))))). And what I already knew myself. Funny how talking things out brings realization in your own mind. HUH.

Shaking my head and walking away is certainly a thought......((((I_WMD))))

With the ex, it's a fine line no doubt. Looks like I've got to find my ground here, the boundaries, where it starts and ends, where I stand. Definitely things I should ponder.

Will do.

If I can ask, What made him the ex in the first place???

To be honest, I don't think he will ever change. And it sounds to me like you really don't want to be in that type of situation or you wouldn't be questioning it now!
Maybe just take a break from him and the business and just see how it works out. Good Luck...

The thing that made him the ex in the first place was basically, if I had to put it in a nutshell, ALCOHOL. He got a little on the physical side but not to the extent I was scared really. Lack of direction, lack of backbone, lack of expressing his emotions. That's really what made him an ex. And even without alcohol - I believe he is more honest but he still lacks backbone. I just really don't understand the big deal about telling people who are toxic how you feel and to not let them "run" you. Its incredibly silly.


I hate to say this - may sound cruel but I tell him all the time what an idiot he is. I love him to death but, I'm not going to let him make me feel like I'm AFRAID to tell him what I feel or to tell him what a coward he is. His sister, his mother, and even I offered to go fire this girl.

I'm starting to begin to think that the town I live in has something in the water - these people and the way they operate are nothing like I have seen before. There is no level of professionalism. No level of separating casual friendship from business. It's nuts. Don't know.

I fired her yesterday - now she's there at the store whining to him about her job.

I've got a good mind to go down there after work today, collect her phone, an kick her out. He asked me if I would do it - be it right or wrong I did. Sad to say, it makes me feel better.

I have just come to terms with "no worries". I give him 1 year to make changes in HIS LIFE on his own. I'm prepared to give up after that.

I told him that over dinner Saturday night. He felt it was fair and so do I. I am in no hurry for marriage and don't want children. Two things happen: #1 I end up with a really good man who worked on himself and resolved some issues. #2 - at 32 I will be free to pursue anything I want. The world will be my marathon. I win either way. I'm just not going to sweat the small stuff.