[LMo]

I hate using the mad smiley and I don't know where this post belongs or why I'm bothering to write it. I sound like a broken record - my posts these days are as predictable as my husband's behavior.

So, the last I reported 2 months ago was that he was refusing to go to class (he's 33 and a full-time student) because he had fallen behind and needed the time to 'catch up'. I discovered that his amazing rationale coincided with the fact that he stopped taking one out his two psych. meds, cold-turkey and without telling me. In doing so, he got even further behind (predictable) and since he has severe social anxiety even when ON meds, he 'didn't see the point' in contacting his instructors to get some individualized help with what he missed or what was due. He ended up missing 2 solid weeks of classes toward the end, which I suspected but couldn't get him to admit, until I took the day off and convinced him to go to his dean's office to explain that he was struggling and that he needed some help. He was out of her office within 5 minutes, because she informed him that the school, per policy, was withdrawing his enrollment due to continuous unexcused absence (how many of you saw that coming? anybody would... except my husband).

So, he stayed in bed for about a week and a half, then finally DID get himself on the stick and went to our T, got a letter from her explaining his mental health issues and how they resulted in his extended absence, and he managed to appeal his expulsion and got back into school for this term. I told him that I did not want to pay for 5 classes due to the risk, so he's taking only 2 and so far has applied for one (1) job. Fine.

But, this week has been 5 days of hell. All apparently my fault. I had been trying to deal with a few plumbing problems with our sink and bathtub, and on Monday he decided to take over and ended up breaking the sink pedestal and the valve to the shower. Now we need a new sink and we have to turn the water on and off at the main in the basement to avoid having water gush nonstop from the shower. He has been in a foul mood day in and day out since Monday night, and on Wednesday, I gingerly asked him if he has a plan for what to do with the plumbing or if he wanted me to call a plumber to finish the job. He coldly told me to call a plumber, so I did. The plumber did not have all of the necessary parts that day, so had to leave without finishing the job, and had other appointments yesterday and today, so won't be here until Saturday. Understandable - our emergency isn't his emergency. But now my husband is furious with the 'stupid' plumber who 'doesn't know what he is doing' and who 'can't even fix anything'. NO amount of logic will get through to him. And of course this is all MY fault because I 'insisted' upon intervening when he had 'had the situation entirely under control'.

He had several screaming/crying/cursing fits over the last few days and my reaction fluctuated between calmly but firmly telling him that he needed to get his emotions under control, to hugging him until he calmed down, to threatening to calll the police if he didn't leave my house (which, by the way, has never worked - I can't seem to MAKE him leave the house. It's an interesting conundrum - looks so easy in the movies). He usually calms down for about an hour, then tenses himself back into irrationality and hostility.

Well, today I got pretty fed up and decided to check his bottle of his remaining medication, Lexapro. He had gotten a refill about 3 weeks ago. All pills were still in the bottle. I confronted him, and he said that he decided he didn't like the way he felt on them. WHAT?????? As if he is feeling better NOW???? I hit the roof - I had already made it clear that stopping meds cold-turkey without telling the people you live with and your doctor is reckless and irresponsible. NOT TO MENTION THAT HE HAD JUST BEEN KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL AND IS EXPECTING A BABY IN A FEW WEEKS.

WTF?????

I seriously don't know what to do. I am TRAPPED. Yes, I do love him tremendously, but he's going to have me in a straightjacket before this is over. I do believe he is going to be the most nurturing father ever, but I can't let him pull this crap in front of our kid. But since I can't stop him from pulling it when she's still inside me (and can hear the yelling and feel the tension, undoubtably), then how the heck do I think I can stop it later?

I would leave and stay in a hotel dueing times like these but it's MY HOUSE. I want the person with the toxic energy to be the one to leave, not me.

He is like two totally separate people. I love my 'nice' husband and want more than anything to grow old with him. But my 'mean' husband is a prick who needs to get the stick out of his butt and learn some respect and responsibilty.



Thanks for taking the time to listen to my broken record. Again. And again.

ps - please don't tell me to 'just' leave him or 'just' tell him that I'm not going to support him or anything like that. I'm not a wimp - it's more that I can't find a way to enforce any boundaries without a seriously negative consequence to ME. What I need is a set of practical steps that I can take - the obvious soltions are out of reach without them. argh.

The fact is that none of the mental health professionals have any advice for me at this point. He is completely resistant to getting himself better, and there isn't anything I can do other than file for divorce or put up with his drama. I am not a black and white thinker, but after 8 years of this, all of the grey-area alternatives have proven to not pan out.

[wisewoman]

wow, such a lot going on in a time I would wish for you to be surrounded in love and peace. The mental health people can't help because so far he is not a danger to himself or others. I have little to offer in way of advice because it is a stuck place that only the 2 of you can find a way out of. I will tell you about my husband back 18-20 years ago, maybe it will help?

My spouse has always been fragile. In health due to a congenital heart issue finally corrected after 3 open hearts when they didn't know what they know now, and in mental health. He had a history of anxiety and depression before I met him. He has had several episodes since we have been together 25 years. What I have done, repeatedly early on was when he would get to a state of agitated depression, almost psychotic in the way he believed things that were not true and was NOT logical. I left him once when I was pregnant for first who is 23. I simply said I don't need what you are giving and I am going on my own. He came to me asking for togetherness. Later on when everything was my fault and I wasn't fair, was mean and didn't appreciate him I bent over backwards to help him and to be a better person because it must have been me right? It hit me like a lead balloon suddenly that it wasn't me. I told him as much and told him to leave, that I didn't need his crap. That night he had himself signed into a hospital's mental health unit. I had no idea where he was or if he was okay and I worried. A friend came from 250 miles and spent a week with me. He stayed for that long and we and the kids went to the hospital to see him. He was trying hard to make it and he came home. He was mostly well from there on with 4-5 episodes over the years. He has been on meds for a long time and needs quite a bit to stay even. He is a good guy who gets on my nerves.

I hope this helps some. I know it is difficult but it is very important to develop boundaries and stick to them. This may be easier to do when you are protecting your little girl from that influence. I hated that the most and yes, I do believe it hurt our children. I hope you can figure out what works for you. It doesn't help him to sit quietly and let him act out without taking his meds. He has to have a line drawn for him. No I will not tolerate,,,, This is what you need to do. You may have to get a legal separation order from an attorney to force him to leave until he is stable. Good luck.

[Rhapsody]

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

I am sorry you are going thru this with your husband at this point in your pregnancy........ I pray that God will give you much needed strength and patients (the patients is for you - your raw emotions right now) - My thoughts are with YOU.

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LMo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Your hubby sounds like mine in many ways. I've done basically what you have been doing. In the end, all I could do was accept him the way he is because neither one of them is going to change, Sweety.

You deserve better. I deserve better, but we're commited, we're in love. In the 20 yrs plus that I tried to stop loving my hubby, it didn't work. Acceptance, Hon. Acceptance is the key. It saves you a great portion of all the upset; certainly not all of it, but a big portion.

You're strong enough to take care of yourself. Do that as much as possible. You CAN do this! You may need to allow your hubby to suffer the consequences of his own actions. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't, but you need to do what is best for YOU and your baby girl.

Stay GOLDEN, Sweatheart!

[Doh2007]

[LMo]

Thanks guys - the plumber fixed the problem yesterday and my "nice" husband is back. I swear he has two personalities (but not in a DID sense). I confided about my week to one of my close friends who has her own relationship/divorce issues, but happens to be a marriage/family counselor, and she kind of freaked on me about him being violently abusive. It hurt because a lot of her tone included statements that implied that I have a victim mentality (which I strongly believe that I don't), that I will be a negligent mother if it happens once the baby is 'out', and that I shouldn't allow this to happen. I'm not *ALLOWING* it to happen - I'm desperately trying to figure out how to solve it. Yes, in the sense that I haven't filed for divorce, I am allowing myself to remain in a marriage where a "mean" husband comes out to yell when under stress a few times a year. But the "nice" husband is so wonderful that I don't want to give up my marriage - I love him so much - I just want to figure out how to nip the "mean" husband in the bud so that it doesn't happen in the future. I don't expect that his anxiety and frustration will just disappear, but I want him to develop better coping techniques, not just for my/baby's sake, but for his own sake as well.

Anyway, it was kind of discouraging to hear her say that. Made me wish I hadn't confided in her at all, but then again, covering it up wouldn't be healthy either.

I stressed that I don't need the big picture pointed out to me - I already know that his behavior is completely unacceptable. That's why I'm trying to figure out what to do about it. What I need is *practical* advice, and she actually did have some for me. She said that while the "nice" husband is back, we should get ourselves back to our T and write an agreement that he signs, saying that if he escalates to yelling and cursing uncontrollably, that I will call the police and have him removed from the house. NO, I don't want him arrested unless he becomes a danger to the baby, me or to himself - but I do want the mean, hostile guy out of the house and if he can't learn (either the hard way, or by seeking appropriate counseling) how to do it, then he's making a choice to accept that as the consequence. Now, before I do that, I do need to call the police and make sure that I understand what their protocol is before I call them. I do know that our police bureau has a set of officers that are specially trained in dealing with mental health issues. I spoke with their supervisor a few years ago and he explained the kind of training they have received and what procedures they follow, but it was about 5 years ago and I forgot most of it. Anyway, I thought that was a good plan and I will meet with T once by myself to discuss the idea, then again with my husband and T to get it done. I *know* that the "nice" husband will agree with this - he feels awful about his mood and behavior of this past week. But I'm relieved that I finally have a good consequence that I can hold him to.

Thanks for your support, everyone

[CedarS]

I really really like your contract and consequences idea. That way you, your "nice" husband, and the police all work together as a team to give the "mean" husband needed consequences and you a break.

Would it be possible for you and your husband eventually to have two seperate homes? The "nice" husband and father to be lives with you, the other has his own place to go?

[wisewoman]

Nice thinking LMO. I am glad you found helpful advice.