[sulu50]

We have been married for 8 years; 3 kids. He had an affair 5 months ago with a woman. It is over and we are working on our relationship. However, he has been looking at gay adult movies, pictures etc. Now he is responding to gay personal ads for sex. I think he has been with one. But responded to many.

He does not know that I know any of this.

How do I confront him without him feeling ashamed, mortified, etc.? I want to remain friends with him, as I do love him and have kids with him. I don't want to be married anymore. But love him and want to help him.
PLEASE give me advice

[bebop]

I feel honesty is best in any situation. just tell him you know what he has been doing. of course you have to say it the right way so as not to make him feel ashamed. let him know you love him and move on from there.

[sabby]

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sulu50 said:
I want to remain friends with him, as I do love him and have kids with him. I don't want to be married anymore. But love him and want to help him.

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Just as you said here....tell him with love, understanding, compassion, acceptance......all things that anyone would respond well to

Wishing you both well in your journey.


sabby

[Rhapsody]

My husband suggest that you ask him - IF he thinks he is gay?

I would try to open the conversation with something neutral, like start a conversation on the topic of being gay, or someone famous that is gay or something just to feel him out.

Also, I wanted to add as someone who has ALWAYS been completely bisexual - this is a possibility too!

But you know too is the possibility that his acting out previously could have stemmed from him trying to deny the fact that his sexuality is other than that which he was projecting.

Just be delicate, let him know you are still there for him no matter what as a friend.

[LMo]

Is it really important whether he is gay or not? He's responding to sex ads -- whether gay or straight, that would be a problem, wouldn't it?

I think you'd be shaming him less by focusing on the adultery part of the issue. Whether he's responding to gay solicitations seems to be secondary to a very legitimate concern about his role in your marriage.

I'm sorry you're going through this - my heart goes out to you

[Perna]

Hi, sulu, welcome to PsychCentral.

You don't say how you know any of this or how you are working on your marriage. I would find a marriage counselor and get everything out in the open and see what is going on. When there are secrets on either side, it's hard to know what is truly happening.

Your a better person than me ! I would be rageing mad ! I would want to know if he used protection for a start ....

[Troy]

IMHO -- If husband is having sex with anyone else, you are at risk. You need to find out and take proper precautions. Activities like this will affect you and your children no matter whether it is acknowledged or in secret.

[chaotic13]

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Sulu said:
How do I confront him without him feeling ashamed, mortified, etc.?

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When I read this my first thought was, Shouldn't he feel ashamed? Not for being gay, but for his treatment of you.

I can definitely see why you are so concerned about how you handle this situation. Of course, Perna's comment about secrets is valid. I think an open discussion is necessary. I heart goes out to you and your children.

[Razzleberry]

Well, I don't have a lot of advice...but just wanted to say that I have also sometimes suspected that my husband might be gay. But I have no proof, and in my case...I'm more guilty than him in our marriage problems.

So anyway, just saying that I kind-of know that feeling when you start to think - could the man I've been married to really be attracted to men?

I think I agree with what most already said here - it doesn't matter if he's cheating with men or with women - the mere fact that he's cheating is bad enough. Confront him with that. Perhaps don't mention the gay part. I don't know what the right way is.

So sorry that you have to deal with this.

[1soslow]

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sulu50 said:...and we are working on our relationship. ... I don't want to be married anymore. But love him and want to help him.
PLEASE give me advice

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I don't get it. You're working on your relationship but you don't want to be married to him anymore.

If the marriage is over, it shouldn't make a bit of difference to you if he's gay or anything else. He cheated, you want out.

If his sexual escapades somehow begin setting unwanted examples for your children, then I would most assuredly confront him with that. Barring that, I don't understand why it matters to you.