[wounded1]

My hubby and I stayed up talking until 4am. He has admitted his problems, started to identify where they stem from, and has set up online couselling for himself. He feels as though he's an "adrenaline junkie", and when his real life feels too out of control, he turns to the computer to find a woman to build an online fantasy with. He lashes out at me, or pushes me away when he gets frustrated with things. He has never let me be his friend. In the past he has used drugs, alcohol and other bad behaviors to run away, but those issues were resolved long before he met me. Bottom line is he suffers from depression, and every bad behavior is the result of that.

I too have arranged telephone therapy fir myself (I'm too big and pregnant to want to drive to and from the therapist office every week), so I can work through the pain and trust issues he has brought to the surface again. I need to be OK as a person too, I need to find my "inner peace" again.

That all being said, I have told him that our marriage is still over. After 6 1/2 years, we both realize that our relationship has never been based on honesty (he's not capable of it), and the trust has been damaged beyond repair. I told him that from this day forward we can start a new "friendship", and I will be here to listen when he wants to talk, cry or even just scream, but our "romance" is over. I don't want anything to do with the person he was (is). He is the father of my children, and I feel I owe it to them to help him become a better person, and a proper role model for them. I just hope he's strong enough to face his demons and work through them.

I'm glad the anomosity is gone, and today I don't feel like crying every five minutes, but I'm still terribly sad. I woke up this morning living with a roomate instead of someone I thought was my soulmate. I don't know if I'll seperate our living arrangements right after the new baby comes, but I feel like if I continue to live with him he might just slip back into his old behaviors (I tend to make life very easy for him, it's just my nature).

Here's a question for all: has anyone ever continued to live with a spouse after you seperated, and if so, how did it work out?

Thank you to all those who have helped me through this difficult time...I will be forever grateful.

[chiwawamom]

hi wounded,
well me and hubby are not leagally seperated but physically and emotionally in every way. our life is not a life i would choose if i had another choice, because it is very loney and heart breaking. to cut down on the stress and hurt feelings, i sleep in the guest room. our money problems keeps us at home on weekends when he is off of work so he dodges me like the plague until he gets a few beers in him and then he'll come find me and tell me how his parents, his ex-wife, his sister and myself has done him so terribly wrong all these years and he is nothing but a victim.

he don't have any friends and the friends i had have deserted me because of his rude and uncalled for remarks and solisiting "so called harmless" sex from them. i wish some girl would take him up on his "harmless" sex, cause then she could have him, and all of his crybaby problems that he conjurs up in his sick mind.

i have left our home for two weeks before and the guilt almost eat me alive, so i came back and try very hard to be strong and help him get a grasp on reality. but all my efforts are met with hate filled ridicule. he is so sick, and his drinking just makes it 10x worse because his meds are not effective. but i choose to stay because he has no one else, maybe one day i'll come to my sences like you have. pray for me girl lol

wounded i wish you all the luck in the world, and i hope you 2 can come to a compromise that both can live with. seek some happiness for yourself because you deserve it girl.

chiwawa mom aka rayla

[Razzleberry]

I have not actually done this yet, but I have considered divorcing my husband but still living under the same roof. It sounds crazy, but it might work in our case. He could work nights, I could work days, we could set up the spare bedroom with a lock, and there is a 3rd car garage with a seperate entrance. We could live together but never see each other, which might just be a good thing.

Kinda funny that I'm 'planning' this and that house isn't even built yet...

But I do want to keep things consistent for my daughter, and I don't want to strain ourselves financially with two mortgages.

I'm a walking hypocrit though. We are talking about having another child and building a house, at the same time that I am thinking about divorce and I'm not being a very good wife.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Here's a question for all: has anyone ever continued to live with a spouse after you seperated, and if so, how did it work out?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">My husband and I lived in separate bedrooms for a couple of years before we set up separate residences. It was hard being in that limbo land, but I guess it served some needs. The kids still had 2 parents together in the same house. Now we live in separate homes and I do prefer that. Less tension. I can live my own life. The kids sense how we each are happier and the separation has relieved some of their anxiety too. (My kids are both teens.) Co-parenting works OK, we still haven't worked out all the bugs. Mostly after we set up separate residences, it felt great!

[eskielover]

I know that my husband & I have been basically separated since 1995......things just didn't work out financially to get the divorce. The fighting was intense....& I felt as though I was pushed to the point of rage....I can relate to "seeing red".

We have been together for alsmost 33 years.....we were never together mentally. It was just a conveniece thing with a 2 engineering career income, we could buy things we wanted & live in a life style that was beyond just 1 person....unfortunately, that was part of the problem....he believed in spending more than he had & it was easy to get caught up in that thinking.

My Mother was the one that kept telling me to hang in there & he really wasn't that bad.....just before we got married when I decided not to, she kept telling me that he was a good person & would "grow up".....he never did.

Strange, but when she died, I sold her house & was able to buy my farm in Kentucky & leave. I can honestly say that I have never been more peaceful or happy than I an away from him....realizing that I really never did love him & he never really loved me or he wouldn't have treated me the way he did. He is a good person....he doesn't do bad things...doesn't drink, gamble, cheat.....he was always there when I was in the hospital & would take care of my the doggies & horses when necessary.....so why would I want to divorce such a wonderful person????

He refuses to communicate. He always thought he could do, spend....etc....without ever saying a word. He couldn't handle any business situation & would leave things slide....never getting anything accomplished & would never tell me that the things even existed that were needing to be taken care of....the final straw was the IRS letter for back taxes he just didn't say anything about until I got a certified letter from them.

Without respect, one can never have a relationship & I believe that you can't truely love someone without respecting them.

I gave him chance after chance & nothing...so the divorce was going to happen as soon as we sold the California house.....but now, house values have gone down so low.....we would get nothing out of the house......what point is there to hurt myself just to get the divorce. I am here & he is there & I am in control of the bills & the finances finally......so I will continue biding my time until the value of property goes up again.....some years down the road???? Then I will get the divorce......but at least now I don't HAVE to live under the same roof. The peace of not being around him has changed my life & has allowed me to find my Christianity that had slid far into the cracks. I can enjoy life again.....what a difference it makes.

You can do it under the same roof if there is no violence or anger.....but when that is there, living under the same roof just keeps the pain going.....I can see the difference for sure.

Best wishes,
Debbie