Do I love my girlfriend?

Hi all,

I have a girlfriend. We will be married next year. We have been great friends since 1.5 years. I have become habituated to her presence.

Now, for a period of three months she is off to some place. We are in daily contact by email and chat. In this period of absence, several doubts have cropped up which I never entertained when she was with me.

I miss her but only as a friend. I dont seem to be missing her madly.

I dont find her physically attractive. This wasnt such a big issue earlier but now it suddenly assumed importance. Actually before being my girlfriend, i know guys (some of who were my friends) who would laugh and say she was ugly or something to that effect. All this time i ignored such thoughts bcoz i felt i shudnt encourage them. As a person she is good, caring and has all the qualities a normal person has. Even now I think the real person is what matters and after a time like 1.5 years physical looks shudnt be an issue. (we never had sex. It is not common from where I come to have premarital sex.). But somehow the opinions of ppl which didnt take shape till now suddenly gained in strength. I am somewhat ashamed of this decision now. Please try to understand. I know "this is not reasonable or acceptable. All these are immature thoughts and I should have thought about these earlier." But now I cant seem to help it.

Having such thoughts makes me wonder...Am I sick and unfeeling? Is it normal? Will I get over these doubts in time? Is this just a passing phase?

Most importantly, do I love her? If I did, I should not have got these doubts, right? Also why dont I have strong feelings like missing her badly etc.?

I know that I will not fail her. Irrespective of my feelings, I will go ahead with my commitment to care for her as much as possible and love her as much as possible. But if I dont feel srongly for her, will I be deceiving both of us?

If anyone has been through something similar, please share it with me.

Thanks!

Pre-wedding jitters are very, very common. It's pretty natural that you would be having such thoughts.

Is she kind? Is she generous? Are you "on the same wavelength" intellectually, emotionally, spiritually? All these things are important for a long-lasting relationship, too.

Ok, youve been asking yourself a lot of questions! Want answers, I'll be blunt; yes, you do love her.
I ask though, is love static? No, it isn't. My mind is in constant transformation and so is my body and onsequently my feelings and perception; that's how I feel about it. It is only natural to have such thoughts at this point and maybe it wouldn't be very heathy if you were feeling like this and not trying to get to the source of stress.

peace

It is possible that you love her as a friend but not necessarily as a girlfirend. Try and think back as to why you got involved as more than friends. You clearly care for her.

As to not finding her physically attractive, well maybe this is the image you have of her in your mind that is becoming messed up by your doubts and well when you are back together then it is worth thinking about that. It can be hard when people are away.

Yes it could be pre-marriage jitters or it could be doubts cos she is away.

But I do think you need to think carefully about how you feel, think about why you entered the relationship. Think about whether this is just cos she is away. It is good that you will honour your commitment and yes you could both di fine in marrriage as friendship is important but if you dont feel more for her than as a friend it could also be difficult as well.

I am not good at advice but one thing I will say is listen to both your head and your heart.

If you really feel the way you describe about her, then you are not doing her any favors by getting married. Be REALLY truthful about your feelings before getting married.

Your statement of not failing her is B#%%. You are failing her if you marry her under the conditiond that exist. She may hurt for a while if you let her go, but don't make her suffer for the rest of her life. You are not being fair to her by trapping her in a marriage that isn't what a marriage should be.

Grow up. Your feelings and hers are all that are a part of marriage so if you do not have feelings DO NOT go ahead with the marriage. You will never have a commitment to her for life if you don't have the feelings that are necessary for a successful marriage. A wife does not need a husband who will "care for her as much as possible". For heavens sake, let her go so she can have a successful life of her own without someone who does not care for her as much as she deserves in a marriage.

You don't own her just because you asked her to marry you, so let her go.

If you are having doubts it is probably a good sign that this is not for you. I would sit down and have a heart to heart with her...that is the only thing that you owe her. You should not feel bad for your thoughts because they are your own..you cannot change that. However, it is important to be truthful with her because the worse thing that you can do is decide to carry this out longer if you are not 100% sure that you want to marry her.
If you love her or loved her ever then you have to do this.

Jessica

MKTK posted this Q on Oct. 2 and hasn't given any indication that he's been back. Who knows? Could even be married by now.

Thank you all for the inputs. And yes..I am not married yet!!

I thot over my issue. I have decided that there are 2 things which seriously have to be sorted out.

1. I am giving importance to what people who were my friends have to say about her. I know this is not important but somehow my esteem gets affected by the fact that they may be laughing at her or something like that.

2. I cant understand what people mean by "feelings for her". I like to be with her all the time. I want her to be happy. I want her to understand me and take care of me. She does all that and so do I. But if someone comes and asks me with a scrutinizing look "Is she right for you?" or "Do you love her?" I get nervous. I just dont know what that means.

I havent been in a relationship to know what all this is about. I mean this is my only relationship till now. So there is nothing to compare. I cant say I love her..or I dont love her. Also I dont know what I am attracted towards bcoz I am not attracted towards her physically.

Is it like a solid feeling which people immediately realise that this is the right person for you? How important is physical attraction for a marriage? (i dont mean to say she is terribly unattractive...all I want to say is I wasnt attracted towards her beauty) How do I tackle opinions of other people? (I really know this is childish but it still rankles me..I ignore it and it becomes stronger)

Thank you in advance for your help!!

I don't think you really need another relationship to compare to a current one with to know if you are really in love. I have a friend who has only had one girlfriend ( they've been together for 3 years now!), and there is no doubt in his mind that he is in love. In my opinion, love is never quite what you expect it to be. You don't get obvious signs that you're in love like you do when you get a crush on someone ( like the whole heart-pounding light-headed thing) It really defies explination, but makes total sense if you've been in love before. Also I think that physical attraction is impotaint, you can't wake up to a woman everyday and think to yourself "yuck, I could have done better." but it should never be the sole factor, after all, most peoples apperence changes when they age, and marriage is FOREVER (even when you are both all wrinkly).

You proposed, right? What make you think "This is the one. This is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, the mother of my children (If you plan on having kids), the love of my life, the one I want to wake up next to everyday until I die!"? Let me tell you right now the follwing reasons are NOT GOOD! "I got swept up in the moment" "I felt bad about myself and she gave me attention" "It just seemed like the thing to do" GOOD answers might include "I know she's not going to win any beauty competetions anytime soon, but she is the most terriffic person I have ever met, I can not live without her!" and don't take my advice like I'm a pro, I'm only 18 and am just speaking from the things I've seen go on around me. Please make your decision wisely, I don't want you to leave a perfectly deserving girl, but I also don't want to see you stuck in a passionless, unsatisfactory marriage. Friendship is a key element, and you have that mastered (or at least it sounds like it) so that's a good starting point... but only you know if what you have is marriage material.

About your teasing friends, I'd tell 'em to shove it! It's totally none of their business. How old are they? 5? You can marry whoever you deem worthy! You can marry the worlds ugliest woman, and it still is nothing to be made fun of for! Tell them to get off your back, because they can make fun of her all they want, but they would be LUCKY to marry a woman as awesome and wonderful as she is!

As long as you are effected by what your friends say about her, you are not mature enough to be married. You should look at marriage as a 50/50 partnership. If you want more out of her than you are willing to give, then don't trap her into that kind of relationship.

How would you like it if she didn't find you attractive? If you do not find her attractive physically, you may not be able to give her the kind of attention she deserves either. It is important in a marriage along with thousands of other issues.

One good key it to look at her, the relationship, her attitudes towards things along with yours, & picture yourselves together in 30-40 years. If you can't do that, then don't go there now. Responsibility, maturity, sensitivity, respect, these are all items that go towards building a successful marriage. Without any of these, you will probably be sorry later in your life that you ever made the decision to get married and there will never be love. Don't go into marriage thinking that divorce is the way out because divorce is hard to go through even when you finally realize that you do not love the person. It is much better to not go there in the first place if you are not sure.

It is not a warm fuzzy feeling, but just a down to earth feel that this person is someone you just can't live without for the rest of your life...no fireworks, thunder, lightning...no signs. It just takes analizing your feelings & the relationship & project into the future.

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. I cant say I love her..or I dont love her. Also I dont know what I am attracted towards bcoz I am not attracted towards her physically.

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Hi MKTK,

I try not to give definite opinions on this board, because I am terrified of messing up someone else's life. However, there are a couple of pretty glaring points in your post which worry me.

You say that you are not attracted to your girlfriend physically and that you have not had a sexual relationship with her.

I respect the views that many people have about pre marital sex, but my worry is that you may marry and still not find her physically attractive. I mean, it does seem like a possible outcome.

For me, I like everything about my wife, from her head to her toes. I even like her faults. I once saw her walking in the town at a distance, and I thought, that is a lovely woman and then I got closer and it was my wife! I know I was lucky.

You don't have to feel passionate all the time, but you do need to feel passionate sometimes. I hope that this starts happening for you.

Good luck, Myzen

WOW!! Thanx guys...That really helped. Its like this - I know all these but hearing from someone else does make a difference.

Yes...now that I think this way...I really feel I cannot do without her. I can absolutely imagine myself having kids and growing old with her. I still wont say I find her absolutely lovely but I really think she is a terrific person and that I am very lucky.

I know that my moods and opinions change frequently...but all the above things are bottomlines and they wont change. As far as my friends are concerned - I think it is my own insecurity which is affecting me and not their opinions. So I will do as some gr8 person said...I will tell them to shove it.

Thanx guys...I think I have formed some idea of what I am going to do - but if u have any other inputs I will be glad to know of them.

Hello MKTK -- You certainly have a lot to think about. There are 2 other threads in the Relationships Forum that may have info of interest to you:

What is love?

and

How do you know if it's the one?

You can find these threads by using the "search" feature at the bottom of the forum. Just scroll backward through the lists of messages til you find the most recent msg and click on it to access the forum. I tried to cut and paste the page addresses, but they are so long that they did not scroll correctly and messed up the window reply box.

I guess I'd just add another thought that has occurred to me, because others brought it up. Who, indeed, are these "friends" who make it their business to comment negatively on a woman you have been seeing for quite some time and have announced you intend to marry?

Their behavior is disrespectful of you -- as well as of her. Polite behaviors toward each other would suggest not commenting on her appearance. How rude and insensitive.

The only exception should be if the partner has a history (or present) that the friend seems oblivious to -- Do you know that she spent time in prison for murdering her last husband? You know, I saw him kissing a tall blond at the movies last Saturday.

Even then, only a very close friend will tackle the subject, in private, in a conversation that is respectful of your feelings. Best friends are usually reluctant to tackle this kind of thing bec. they know they risk being told to "get out of my life and mind your own business. I love X and I intended ot marry him/her."

So why ARE you putting up with this disrespect?

i didn't read the thread i apologize for my inconsideracy

love her because you want to, feelings come after, real love is GIVING love whether it is reciprocated or not. strive to achieve God's unconditional love for you, it is impossible, but if you have God's eternal love flowing into you it frees you from the fear of having your love thrown back in your face because there is no end to the love that you can give. Real love is GIVING, society's popular view of love only works in fairy tales, its not real, the "NEED" for someone else's love. the only love you need is God's love. Let God take care of the fundamental human need to be loved. Free yourself to love whomever you choose.

i should mention, having God's love is enabling you to love, remember that God's love is also not a measure of your self-worth.

e.g. "please don't leave me" -
a. i have no love from God and you're my only source, so i need you. (fundamental need won't be met)
b. my self-worth is determined by outside love for me, and i also know no God. (self-worth determined by external conditions) "i'm nothing without you"
c. i have God's love and can freely give it, however my self worth is still determined by external conditions

e.g. "i have no fear of losing his/her love"
a. i have God's love, but my self-worth is determined by external conditions (sometimes a person in this situation will flipflop between feeling they NEED their significant other and then not later. humans are unable to feel God's love every single second of their lives)
b. i have no fear of losing his/her love (but i will still grieve the loss of the love and friendship, also, although it may sound ideal, humans are not perfect. Humans can work towards it, a journey of healing, approaching but never reaching.)

Having absolutely no fear of loss of love is most likely unattainable, but it is quite attainable to not fear the loss enough to let it go.