[holdingon]

For some reason...within my life the thing which triggers me most are problems within my relationships and/or the loss of a relationship. I find myself sometimes thinking things are wrong only to find out they are fine. However, even when I think something is wrong I normally dont speak up because I may be wrong and I dont want to cause problems....but at some point something does have to be said. Anyway that was basically just background information...the real reason I am posting is that I am starting to feel like something is wrong in my current relationship. I was feeling good about it and though we have not been going out long I normally do not feel so comfortable within my relationships...so I dont like this happening now. I feel like Im sinking down...I was seeing real potential here and I just dont want to lose it. On the other hand if Im going to I wish he would just tell me so I can force myself to cope with it and move on.

[Jitterbug]

What is the possibility that you are scared of being hurt by a relationship. Possibly the longer you stay, or more you care the more paranoid of being hurt that you become. This paranoia cause your subconscious mind to begin to ":create" problems that aren't there so that you can rationalize putting your "emotional walls back up to protect that original fear of being hurt.

You will most likely solve this problem by exploring your past to find out when that first traumatic experience(or series of experiences) occured, and actually learning how to deal with that pain, rather than being scared of not knowing how to deal with it if it happens again.

[holdingon]

Thank you for taking the time to reply...especially since my post was so vague. A large part of what you said is true asfar as me wanting to put my walls back up or as I usual calling "Crawling back inside my shell". Sometimes the things I think are problems really are and sometimes I relise latter on that I made a bigger deal out of something then it really should have been...but in any case that is why I normally pretty much just suffer silently when I think I see something comming instead of making an issue out of it. I am normally a very outgoing person and dont mind expressing my opinions but I suppose I do not trust myself to not freak out of something that wasnt even worth worrying about and I dont want to cause a problem that isnt worth causing! I have a pretty good idea why I have this behavior but I dont know how to change it other then just telling myself to relax and let a situation settle and in order to see what is really going on...any I normally do that. I just wish I didnt go through all the worry still...it can be very emotionally taxing. *sigh*
Thanks for listening....

[nightbird]

Hi (((holdingon)))

Some of what you describe are good, cautious behaviors.
Really, can you loan some out?

You seem anxious over loss or rejection.
We all are to some degree, and if you feel like exploring your thinking, or want to gain some perspective on how you are responding at this point, there are good books you can read on the subject, as well as light-hearted ones, about dating.

So, he is or he isn't the right guy for you. We all need time to tell how things really are when beginning a new relationship. If it does goes flat, he wasn't for you, and that is not a reflection of anything wrong on your part, as chemistry is involved too. I'm sure you want to be with someone special. You seem to want commitment, so hold back a little to you meet the guy who fits the bill.

The worst thing we can do is expect someone fit into our lives that doesn't - for whatever reason. Because we are comfortable may not be fair to either person, unless we are 80, and comfortable is what we really want.

Not saying any of this is what you are projecting in your post, just my feelings in general.

Good luck. See how it goes with him. Enjoy the time. Be enchanted but keep your wits.
You will be alright.

peace and love,
nightbird

I have a lot of insecurity in my relationship (& I've been married for 34 years!). Inside I am always looking for clues that he hates me, will leave me, etc. I imagine a lot of things & then get hurt by the things I imagine.
]
In therapy I'm trying to address all these sometimes irrational thoughts--major insecurities & fears on my part. I am in treatment for bipolar, but also grew up in a chaotic family with my mother being bipolar & commiting suicide & my dad being an alcoholic. So I'm always inventing a "crisis" because that is what I am used to--there was always a crisis going on in my childhood home.--Suzy

[nightbird]

(((Suzy)))



peace and love,
nightbird

Shoot, forgot again to put the trigger icon on my post. So sorry. Hope I will be better in the future about that.--Suzy

[holdingon]

Thank you again for the replies.

Night bird it is true that I am anxious to lose the person I care about and because I know it will hurt, I try to see it coming ahead of time so I can protect myself from it a little. Also I try to be aware of what the other person is doing so that Im not staying with somebody who may be cheating or lieing to me. Sometimes things look different then they really are and I relise that which is why I take some time to see what is really going on before reacting. I really appriciate you saying that part of this is good...I can see that it is good that I try to keep an eye on things. Like I said before I just wish that I didnt worry so much and cause myself to hurt only to find out it was nothing to worry about. I wish somebody who has worked on a similar problem could give me some pointers....

[RomanSunburn]

I'm not really one to offer advice on this issue, but I thought you might like to know that I have the same problems with trust and feeling secure in my relationships. I've had this problem with friends as well as with my psuedo-boyfriend. (I can't even call him my boyfriend I'm so insecure!) We've been together for roughly two and a half years, and I sometimes find that talking to him about the feelings I'm having help. It's uncomfortable and feels awkward, but I feel better knowing that he knows whats going through my mind. If you both care about each other and feel relatively comfortable talking to him about these issues then maybe it's worth the time to bring it up. If you dont want to bring up the actual problems youre having, then maybe just mention what you mentioned here might soothe you a little. I hope this helps at least a little!

Take care
Ro

[mischief1969]

Honesty, transparency, and expressing your feelings verbally. A heart to heart in neutrality. Lots of I statements. What do you feel? Think positive thoughts. Pray if need be.

Don't know if it will work for you...but it did me...Good luck.