I can't win in this relationship.........

I am having a real bad time right now, we both knew things would be worse before things get better. I am having a tough time with guilt, depression, anxiety, memories, wanting to contact my parents but affraid I will become more upset.

On the way home from therapy the other night I told Tony I was feeling really guilty about being so upset and lethargic all the time. He assured me he understood, not to feel guilty etc.

I really need lots of love right now, I feel insecure about how my family are coping with this, I want to be happy, a proper mum and wife. I've told him what I need.

Tonight he became angry because I told him I dont hear 'I love you' unless I sayit first. He responded by saying He's supported me for the last 5 months since we split for a while, he felt invisible, and he called me stupid for having a go about something that upset me thismorning.

I feel lonely, upset and I don't know what to do. I just dont think he gets it at all. What is the point of throwing all the support back in my face when he knows I am feeling guilty anyway.

I resorted to sending my own husband an e.mail because I cant stand when he gets angry when we try and talk. I've tld him I'll leave if he wants me to.

Jin

jin im sorry that your hubby doesnt seem to get it, im sure he does but because you are ill hes trying to tiptoe around you tell him you dont need ppl tiptoing around you, send each over emails he might respond diferantly when writing how he feels, he also might be worried about you as your moods swings could be scary
i know how it is to want to feel normal but you are normal stop blaming your self you wouldnt blame your self if you had flu you are ill you just got to get better
(((((((((((((((((((((((jinny)))))))))))))))))))))

i wish i could stop blaming myself Kathy....I'm so low right now I just cant cope anymore. I wish he wasn't so angry. It's how he shows his feelings and I can't change that.....

j x

((((((((((( jinny ))))))))))))

Have you come right out and asked him why he is so angry? Have you asked him to explain to you what he is feeling? Sometimes hubbies need to feel they have a voice too (even thought they communicate differently than we women do, they still have feelings and thoughts).

I get the impression that he is finding it hard to find ways of helping you at times. I'm not at all blaming you for this...please don't think thats what I mean. But men are natural "fixers" and when they don't know how to fix something, it becomes frustrating to them and sometimes they lash out or give up.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in all that you are going through right now, you may have to help teach Tony what it is that he could do for you that would help you. I know that hugs and saying first "I love you" are important to you......maybe you could say to him "Tony, would you give me a hug please because I'm feeling *fill in the blank*. This tells him WHY you need the hug so he may be able to see and understand your mood and know that a hug is approrpriate for you at that time. Does that make sense???

I also think that finding times to have heart to heart discussions should be done when both can be calm and not be throwing accusations back and forth. For doing that never solves anything....blaming never solves anything, only makes emotions lash out more.

I know its really hard to find a balance of communication. But it can be done dear jinnyann. You are working so hard on yourself and trying to find some peace....I truly hope that you and Tony can learn ways of helping each other through this really hard time.

Much love and respect to you both!
sabby

Hi Jinnyann honey,
I agree with Sabby. Guys are fixers. I remember my husband telling me all the time that the worst feeling he ever felt around me and my illness, was feeling "helpless."

I would try the direct route with Tony. Tell him what you need and let him do it, whether it be hugs, "I love you's" or a shoulder rub. I remember years ago when I was having terrible panic attacks, ones that would wake me from a dead sleep with my heart racing at 125 beats a minute. His way of "helping" me was to play backgammon with me until my body settled down and I could go back to sleep.

Maybe you can make a communication game of it? Ask him to write a numbered list of things you can do to make him feel special and loved. Then you do the same and exchange lists. Then, if you need something, you can ask for a #10 special, or something cute like that. Or, I'll trade you a #6 for a #3...you get it.

It will work if you can think of something to make you each smile, and get you both feeling like you're on the same team.

Let me know if you think this could help. You're such a love! I hate to hear you're suffering so.
Best,
Okie

jinny, sabby is right. As a man i can attest that we are definitly 'fixers' and when we can't fix something the feelings of helplessness and frustration can come across as anger. I'm sure Tony is trying to 'get it' and he is probably very frustrated and angry at himself for not getting it.

When you feel guilty that makes him feel guilty for making you feel guilty..... its a viscious cycle. He is probably tip toeing around you trying to not make things worse because he doesn't know how to make things better. Its a hard place to be in.

Don't take his edgyness and frustration as him being angry at you for your condition. He is more likely angry at himself because he can't make you better. He loves you and wants to make you happy and when he can't do that he blames himself.

Like sabby and okie said, give him something he can do, something constructive, even if it is just a hug or a backrub. Let him on the team so he feels like he is having some positive impact on your treatment.

Yeah Sab is right I know that when I try to fix something and I can't I tend to walk away...that being said when I walk away I think about the problem and the best way to approach it. Your husband is probably doing the same thing.

And Old is right too, make a list of things that makes you happy about him have him do the same thing for you. My wife and I every anniversary talk (alone) about one thing that was great this past year and one thing that we could work on. It usually works really well for us...it makes me communicate in a way that is not defensive.

But right now what you need is
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((JINN))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Dragon

I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel very similarly about my husband. He just doesn't get, I have tried to talk and explain to him many times , to no avail
let me know if you figure it out

Can so relate to your situation. Unfortunately, I don't have the capacity right now to offer much more than to let you know I understand EXACTLY how you feel.

I hope you find some solace, soon.

Hi jinny, I'm so sorry about all that's going on with you. It sounds like there are some engrained communication patterns between you and Tony. Couples can learn to communicate better. It may only take a few sessions with a couples therapist. Have you ever considered this? It sound like you both care deeply for each other and do not want to split up. I bet some coaching on communication could really help.

I am reading a book right now on communication that I really like. It talks about the error of trying to "fix" things when often people just need empathy. This is a skill I can really improve on, because although I'm not a guy, I tend to try to "fix" things for people too. Anyway, this might be a book that could provide some useful insights: Non-violent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg. I found with my husband that he didn't like to hear from me what I wanted, it was as if I were "correcting" him or "bossing" him or something like that which he found offensive. But if he read something in a book or heard it from a trusted expert (especially if male), then he could "hear" better, even if the words were exactly the same ones I would have spoken myself. (I'm not saying this is the case in your relationship, but nevertheless, this is a good book!)

Best wishes. Take care.

gosh thankyou so much all of you for the advice, I think you are all right.He IS angry because I am hurting and he cant help me. I have been in the hospital most of the day, doc suspectedhe had either meningitis or a brain bleed, he had kalaidescope vision and a bad headache. They sent him home and he has to have a brain scan within the next four weeks. They have checked him thoroughly and done bloodwork and everything seems fine.He is diabetic so they didn't want to take any chances.

We are getting on just fine, I wrote him an e.mail last night and a poem and he wrote me something back which I posted in cc. Way with words lol, but it meant a lot to me.

thankyou all so much, wow I am so lucky to have you all as friends, love you each and every one....Jin xxxx