[amusicboxmelody]

Hi! I'm a new member here, in need of some help. I'm 21, m boyfriend of 6 months is 31. up until the past few weeks, we have had the best relationship in the world. we have each had several very serious relationships and are compatible on every level. the age difference has never even been an issue.

we took a trip to his hometown last month, and ever since we got back, he's been very...down, and different. i know his job now is very unfufilling, and stresses him out, but he feels he needs it to provide to his 11 year old twins (which he has no problem doing, he's brilliant and could have a job wherever he wants) even though he's tired of our city and wants to actually have somewhat of a happy work environment and life now.

reacting to that, feeling like it must be something im doing wrong, i have started numerous arguments with him over things that never bother me. i was the most laid back chick in the world until we returned home...i thought i finally had a drip on myself last week until we argued again and i mentioned moving in together (because he has beought it up several times) and promptly felt like an idiot...he doesnt want to, thinks we're "rocky" and that now like "all women" i have "an agenda." i dont know whats making me feel this way, or what to do.'

i love him so much, but i feel like i have lost all of my self-confidence by making mistakes like this, and not letting things go like i used to.

i also wonder if i just went back to keeping little things to myself and behaving in the manner i used to, if that would put things back on track? he's never tried this hard for anyone, and i feel like im pushing him away by the way i keep picking at things, thinking that talking about it will make it better but obviously i doubt that.

what's up with me? and what should i do to get back on track?

thanks everyone

[AAAAA]

Hello amusicboxmelody, welcome to PC.

The first thing that I'd suggest is sit down and discuss everything with him. Just talk it out. It sounds like you're starting arguements in an effort to force him to respond. I can't tell you how important straight talk is in a relationship. Or how many times I was so frustrated because I figured that my husband should know what's wrong or what I expect of him. It took a long time to learn that he's not a mind reader.

When you get in the habit of laying it all out, in a non-hostile manner, things are much better. There's no worrying about things that may or may not have happened. Good Luck.

[wanttoheal]

Hi amusicboxmelody, Welcome to PC.
Did something happen on your trip? I agree with AAAAA, communication is key to making a relationship work, in my opinion. Maybe you can write down things that you feel need to get discussed and have it with you when you talk to him? Or write him a letter? I think that moving in with each other while things are not going so smoothly would not help the situation as it would cause more stress.

Please keep us posted and welcome.

[amusicboxmelody]

*sigh* thank you both for the responses.

our trip was wonderful, he even talked about getting married and moving in together...seeing his kids really hurt him, and i know he misses his hometown.

maybe since he's so depressed with work/being in our city he's been withdrawing a little bit..he's seemed upset with his creative block as a musician as well. and i guess i was expecting things or thinking that his depression was linked to me...even though he's said it wasn't.

he's not much of a talker, and i've apologized for my insane behavior.

i just want to get a grip on myself again, and go back to being the confident sweet girl i was.

i saw him last night, he was feeling poorly so i didnt stay over, in fact he hasnt asked me to stay over the past couple nights when normally he doesnt like me to be away for more than one, so i see this in a really pessimistic light. there are really no issues between us, other than i've been hard on him and driving him nuts.

it's just been hard for me to let little things go, and he's even pointed that out.

i think he may have been/ be wondering if we can work this out, but he's trying.

im just wondering if i've messed things up too badly or if i can fix it...or maybe just give him a little space and time, since nothing ive tried works and letting it go just seems to be the best decision.

[amusicboxmelody]

thanks AAAAA, i think the best thing may be to let this situation go. he said it's hard for him if i keep picking at it and bringing things up.

the sad thing is, i used to be great at communicating with him...nothing to this degree, especially not to where id feel awful afterwards.

i think i may have some other issues here, honestly. i've been looking at myself and i've been diagnosed with anxiety disorder and i might possibly have PMDD, which im getting checked out today.

i mentioned to that to him last night and if he thinks im getting it fixed then hopefully he can just categorize it as "ah, this is whats wrong, its getting better because of __________"

i hope i just havent ruined everything, by being stupid.

[wanttoheal]

Hi amusicboxmelody,
I'm glad things are going better. I certainly don't think you've ruined anything and I don't think you're being stupid. It sounds like both of you could do with some therapy and if he won't go, perhaps you can go for you. It's so hard sometimes when a person is triggered by something and their reaction to the trigger causes us to be triggered and then we react. Learning more about ourselves and how we react can go a long way to help things. And as we learn more about us, I think it has a ripple effect to those around us.

Good luck and keep us posted.