[bonaire]

Many of the posts here are for marriages, GFs, divorce, etc. How about something else - here's what I'm faced with.

I've been talking with my T about trying to clear up a lifelong issue. I'm adopted. I'd like to find out more about my biological parents and siblings. Apparently, I was the 5th child of a couple who already had four kids and they couldn't afford another. In today's world, that would either end in abortion or who knows what. But I'm glad back in 1964, things went my way.

I was adopted to a generation-separated couple. Mom was 45, dad was 62 when I was born. He died of smoking-related illness when I was just over 6. So, instead of the larger biological family, I was raised an only child by a single-mom. Well, she's 88 now and still is able to live on her own and do well. She's an example of longevity but I don't see her more than say 1 week a year.

My current T and prior couples T both are adoption-oriented folks. Current T has a child from China. Couples T wrote a book on adoption and was adopted herself. Both want me to pursue contact with my bio-family. Seems a bit odd but could help me with personal issues.

Anyone ever contact a biological parent or family? I'd hate to be a shock or "problem" but I suspect it would be something they'd be ok with. I'm not wanting anything other than "closure" in knowing that I was given up with love.

A hitch that my couples T mentioned. What if I was not really my father's child but my mother got pregnant by someone else. You know "the milkman" or something like that. Could be a problem in that case.

[bebop]

I think it would be great for you to find your bio's. have you tried any of the adoption websites? I can give you a link to one if you like. good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Perna]

I agree with Bebop. I don't know that being a milkman's child is likely if you were #5 or, if you were and you were put up for adoption, it's likely your biological parents split or one or both may even be dead. In any event, they'll have a lot different outlook on life than they did in 1965 I bet :-)

I think biological parents must always wonder what happened to their child, if s/he came out "all right", etc. and you could work okay under the guise of wanting medical background if things don't look too good on the social/emotional front?

[bonaire]

Thanks for the feedback. I heard that the parents were a couple who came together each with 2 kids and then got pregnant with me when they were married. Since I was truly "theirs" - doesn't make sense to me that I was put up for adoption. But, my father was "in the military" and didn't make a lot of money (for 5 kids total). Anyway - apparently, I do know their names and may look into it more now. I'd hate to upset my adoptive mother. She did give me the story and eventually their name, so I have to think she wouldn't be too hurt by it. She's a woman of the mid 1900's - meaning, she grew up through the depression era, WWII and on. She had a mildly abusive husband (my adoptive father) who treated her more like a woman-houseworker than loving wife. But that's how they did it back in the 50s.

I may talk it over with adoptive mom to say "you know, I hope you're not going to be hurt by this but I wouldn't mind contacting my bio-family. Nothing against you - but it's something that I may need to do to complete my life." So much has been held over my head by my adoptive mom. Paying for college and then saying stuff like "I invested in you so much for you to waste it on ." I felt sometimes more like a purchased product than someone who was supposed to be nurtured by a family.

[Perna]

It is a little funny how we recognize our parents had a different life, Depression, WWII, etc. but then when it comes to their treatment of us, we often only see our side :-)

My stepmother, when I wanted to quit my job and go in business for myself was horrified and angry, said, "Don't expect money from us!" because the idea of leaving a "perfectly good job" was upsetting to her since she was raised during the depression. I suspect your adopted mother's "investment" in you is another throwback to that time period when people got little pensions after a lifetime of work and then hoped their children would take them in/take care of them, etc. if need be. It's hard to be the child but I suspect it's equally hard to be the parent and just "watch".

I'm so glad you have therapist and group leaders who know about adoption and/or were adopted to help and support you with this adventure.