Torn between staying or going

Hello everyone, I am new here. I have been reading through some of the posts and felt I wanted to propose my question or query: have you ever been with someone and you are equally pained by the thought of staying or going? It sounds crazy when I logically run it by myself. If a relationship isn't what I need it to be I leave - right? This was always my MO in the past. So why am I in such a quandry now?

My boyfriend whom I do love dearly I found to be cyber cheating about 6 months ago. He has made many efforts to reconcile his behaviors. All computers have monitoring devices on them that only I have access to, changed his phone number, I have access to his credit card accounts, phone record accounts, he is seeking regular counseling - he is basically doing everything a repentent person can do. But I can't seem to get the thoughts out of my head. I wanted and thought and felt that I was loved so deeply by this man and now I just can't seem to feel loved by him any longer. I can't understand how he could do what he did, even though he never 'physically' touched anyone.

it sure sounds like he is very open with you trying to prove himself. I say if you love him I would work on getting past this this time. not many men would go to the apparent lengths he is doing.

What do you want in the future in terms of your relationship with him?
And what does he want in the future in his relationship with you?
Is his counselling a helpful activity?

I think that he can still love you - but I don't speak for him and his feelings. What does he say about his feelings? Is he likely to continue with the cyber cheating?

For you to stay in the relationship - what has to happen?
Is there anything in the relationship that does meet your needs?

We were planning on moving in together this summer and eventually getting married. He wants another child and before all of this I had agreed to work towards this. He has been really supportive of my schooling, helps me out as he can with it, tells me how smart I am and that he always knew I would do really well. If I talk about leaving he freaks out and cries and says if he losses me he would lose the best thing that ever happened to him. I just can't understand how he could do what he did? How he could lie and manipulate (because I felt something was off for quite awhile and questioned him several times.) His therapist is great, I have attended one session and I am welcome to attend more if I want to. He had a pretty bad porn addiction to add to the mix. According to his therapist he is to stay away from all of it for quite awhile until he has had enough treatment. Recently, I found a cd of backup files from his computer with loads of porn on it. How do I take all into account? How do I allow for bumps in the road and healing/growing but also learn to trust/feel safe again?

Sounds like he's still bringing the porn into his life?
That is a problem.
I agree that it would be a good idea for him to keep away from the porn completely. My own view of it is - many people are exposed to it; it gets sent into our emails without our permission even when we put filters on, but it is an unhealthy way to view others because he might bring the unhealthy ideas into your relationship; it's offensive; but many people have the curiosity; and since it is so readily available on the internet - very easy to find; but I've known of people who lost their job because of it. It is a serious problem.

I wouldn't start producing children if you're unsure about even staying together.

Thanks goodness that you are doing well in your schooling.
It is touching that he says that you are the best thing that ever happened to him. I wonder if he means it? Maybe he takes you for granted? Hope that's not the case. Does he realize that you might leave the relationship because of his cyber cheating/porn problem?
Maybe he should realize this.

You know him fairly well, or so you think - what is your sense of his genuineness and commitment?
All the best to you.

It sounds like you are having to make a choice that you don't want to make. Since you've been invited, why don't you go to the counseling session and see if you can talk about it there. It might help a lot to have an impersonal third party present.

Definitely don't move in together until you feel at peace. You are in the best possible position to get resolution. You'll lose some of that power when you live together.

Might I add that if what you want is marriage, don't settle for living together first?

The porn was an issue, according to him, well before I ever came into the picture. He deveolped the habit while his marriage was ending. I did not find this out of course until recently. The cd's I found were old ones. If he had been viewing them recently I would have noticed such on the tracking software installed on his computer. I suppose there are always still ways to get away with something for awhile if one wants to find away. Yet I have a key to his house...but why keep the cd's - why not throw them away - dispose of them?

What is strange to me though is why? We had/have always a great sex life, no deprivation on his part there. What was the use of the porn for? Just habit? No worries about producing children quickly - he is fixed and would have to get un-fixed before such could happen - whew!

He still talks about me moving in. Says I am it for him - I am everything to him - I know he means it yet he isn't always in this personality all the time. He has the ability to cut off from his emotions and seemingly feel nothing. He goes into his anxiety personality and zones out. All he does is worry and fret. Yet other times we can be so absolutely wonderful together. Work great together, harmonize together, love so deeply it makes me cry! How to rectify all of the above - make it all work? How to leave if I feel so deeply? I know these are all answers for only me to make but this is so emotinally difficult. I have been through so much in my life, although young, and yet this by far is messing with my mind the most. I really, truly don't know what to do.

I am planning on going to some of his visits soon. I really like his therapist a great deal. The therapist also specializes in porn addiction. He has offered to help me as needed with my schooling - offering to proofread my scholarship applications, since my major is psychology - go figure right!

Good point about the marriage issue. That falls more squarely in my lap than his. He speaks of marriage much more often than I ever have. I do have a certain squeamishness about the whole subject. Marriage is so much more permanent (ha, a crack in my veneer!) I like still having the option to leave, easily, if need be. Yes, I am sure more therapy wouldn't hurt for me also! My boyfriend has offered to pay for therapy for me if need be. I just might take him up on it!

I would really advise you to not become dependent on your boyfriend. It sounds lucrative to have someone pay for your therapy, but it could easily become a situation where you give up your power. Pressing towards marriage could mean he wants you under his control.

Your instincts may be telling you that something's not quite right here.