[InFocus]

Hey everyone! My first post on here! Normally I'm the one giving my friends advice, but here I am... stuck in a situation that isn't very typical of me at all, and I can't seem to get out.

So as not to ramble about my life story... maybe someone can help me from the "outsider looking in" perspective.

I'm 20. At 17 I met a girl I fell in love with who came from a pretty bad family, and I sort of "rescued" her from it. We dated for 2 years, and spent the last year living together. She then decided it would be a great idea to sleep with her co-worker while I was volunteering at a camp for kids with cancer. So obviously I broke up with her instantly when I got back (her friend let me know about it while I was still away.. she felt bad for me). I trusted my ex 100%, and never thought she would do that to me after everything I did for her. I thought I was over her and the mistrust. I was... well... wrong, and now i'm confused.

I met a girl about 5 months later in a Interpersonal Communications class (I'll elaborate on the irony of that later...) and pretty instantly fell for her. A real pretty red head, who seemed to really have her life in order (something I haven't been used to the last 2 years...). It seemed like such a breathe of fresh air. Then I found out she belongs to a certain religion that I am not super fond of. Either way she seemed more than worth it... so heres my issue. Me and her were getting along so well... finishing eachothers sentences, we had all of the good things in common, and all of the good things to have different were different. I could even go as far as picture a future with this girl...

But she constantly had other guys around... and I found myself not being able to trust her. Not by her fault (although she didn't help matters...) but because of my Ex. The red head wouldn't let me meet these guy friends of hers though... which was hard to getused to. She would hang out with them, and later I would see flirty pictures popping up on her facebook and myspace. Sitting on these guys' laps, etc. And when I ask about it, I'm told "No I really love you! Stop I'm not being flirty with them'...

K so that could have been a lot longer with all the details... but I FEEL like she is playing me, and being flirty with all these other guys. I broke up with her. Like I felt I should. The hurt was huge... but me and her continued to act like we were together, and her behavior continued with the other guys. I just tolerated it. Then I told her I needed distance from her... but she still calls me to tell me about how her night goes- and how she just met these guys and went clubbing etc... she left for a 3 month vacation in Germany, and after leaving wrote me a letter about how she lied to me for about 1 month about one guy who she would sneak off to see all the time, and would tell me she was spending time with her Mom. She wrote the letter because she "felt guilty for lieing to me... and can't forgive herself"... I'm 0-2 so far with girls I really cared about... but this one I can't seem to just throw out of my life like I did with the other one... its really hard I don't know whats wrong with me.

Its making me horribly sad and depressed... my question for everyone being the outsiders...

Am I possibly being over sensitive about who she hangs out with? (She won't let me meet the guys she hangs out with... otherwise I don't think I would mind...)

Why can't I stop answering the phone when she calls? (She is calling from Germany... and even though I KNOW she is going to tell me all about the foreign guys she is meeting... I can't stop answering.)

How do I trust people again? This is getting so hard... I was really crazy about both of the last two... and I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I'm really hung up on this one... and I feel like either A: I have too much baggage from my ex, or B: She is doing things to make me jealous and string me along so I don't get over her.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this! If anyone has advice on how I can get over this girl (I know the way she treats me is wrong... or I think I know), or maybe how to trust someone again... that would be awesome.

Anyways... thats my short novel. I'm not normally like this. I dont think i'm a bad looking guy, and I'm rarely single... and I certainly don't think I have ever treated anyone I have dated bad... so why can't I just move on past this last one? Why is this so different? Ugh... :P

Seems like an awesome group of folks here! Can't wait to chat with you guys some more!

[gimmeice]

Hello InFocus, nice to meet you. I think if I was in the situation where someone I was dating wouldn't let me meet their friends of the opposite sex it would upset me too. I don't have any advice for getting over this girl except that you should give it time. Good luck.

[50guy]

Hi Ya inFocus;

Welcome to PC. Well you have a bit of a problem here with those 2 working on your heart like that. The first thing I can say to you is that you are still very young and have a lot of life in front of you so just slow down a little in the romance department and see if things get better mentally for you.

Self examination is alway good. You have been giving advice and now are asking for it and that is good because then you can get different opinions and evaluate them for yourself.

Sometimes in our life we choose the same kinds of people to be our friends and lovers only to find out that is not what we want.
Changing our minds is a hugh undertaking and it takes a lot of effort. The loss of these two girls is a heavy load that you carry.
You should try to put them out of your mind at least for a few hours and then a few days. You need to progressively release them. The next time she calls, either don't answer or have the phone off ringer if you know when she calls. You answer because you really want to talk to her and hope that she will be kind to you in her words. It doesn't seem to be the way it turns out..

I know that it is going to be hard to change but, you are a young man and you can do it. Let her go before she does more hurt to you. Sometimes people get a kick out of hurting other people's feelings. I think that is what you are experiencing here with this girl.

Have a great day

[Doh2007]

Secrets aren't good for a relationship. Trust yourself. Let others earn it.

[wanttoheal]

Yea, that would be difficult if stuff like that was kept from me. I think it would pop huge red flags for me.

I'm sorry you are struggling with distancing yourself from this person. Maybe you can turn the ringer off on your phone so you don't know when it rings? Then you could check your messages once a day and make any other necessary call backs to other people/businesses.

As far as trust issues, I think that takes time. Do you have a therapist that you can talk things over with?