[Wants2Fly]

I think the couples who manage to stay together through one party having depression, even with suicide attempts, and other illnesses and hard times are so lucky. So great. I know some of the couples don't feel that way. A distance has come into the relationship.

I had been depressed for a few years when I was diagnosed with lupus, which is definitely a factor in the disease. I lost a good job, and it is possible that I will never recapture that earning potential.

And the man I was with walked out 5 weeks after the lupus diagnosis, saying I was impossible to live with. When I hear stories about how men have stuck with their wives through so many things, I know I didn't do anything to deserve the way I was treated. Yeah, sure sometimes I nagged a bit. I could be cranky. As my T says -- who doesn't? And living with a depressed person is no box of chocolates. But I also called him my angel and the best person I ever knew, thanked him for the kind things he did, bought him shirts while he was on the road (as he frequently was) because I missed him so much and it was the way I could show I cared.

One of the last things he said to me was that he was leaving me because I was "so filled with hate and bitterness and anger" that he didn't like to go out with me in public anymore. I cried and cried that that was final opinion of me. After 15 years together.

He used to make fun of Newt Gingrich for bringing divorce papers to his wife to sign while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer. Now I believe that he had to make me into this cartoon of a woman to justify leaving me in a lurch, otherwise he would have to look in the mirror and despise himself.

The way this relationship ended -- with me not suspecting a thing -- just a phone call one day from California (I was in Florida -- he ran so far away from me, he would have fallen into the sea if he'd gone any further) -- has been traumatic. I had to give away my dogs, I lost my dream house.

My life has been rootless and chaotic since. He left in May 2003; I had to give my dogs up soon after; I lost the house in March 2004. My Ts say that I am still grieving, give it time.

At this point, I don't want to ever have another relationship with a man. Sometimes I think about having sexual relationships, but the man who left me was not a good lover. So it was boring and routinized and infrequent for the past 15 years. My body is ok for a woman my age, but I am not a babe anymore, and the thought of exposing myself to judgment is terrifying. After all -- I'm so filled with hate and anger and bitterness, who would want me? One T told me that one of her rules is, "Just because someone says it doesn't make it true." But it so awful to think that this man whom everyone loved has this thought about me. He was so loved by my family that my brother supports him in the breakup and my mother cried when I told her he was gone.

Yesterday, a nice man who wants a romance but is cooling things with me said to get in touch if I ever want to get "frisky." I guess that is why all this is on my mind. I don't know if I can ever have a relationship with a man again.

And this, of coure, feeds into my depressive thoughts. It's not that I believe life isn't worth living without a man. It's much deeper than that -- the feeling of having been told that I am so completely and utterly worthless and filled with hate and bitterness and anger. Of feeling that I shouldn't show who I am to the world because I am so lacking in redeeming value.

Sorry, just rambling I will value what feedback you give. Thanks for reading all this.

[lenjan]

I don't want to get into the lengthy and depressing story here, but when a young pup, I desperately loved someone I thought loved me. We had plans to get married. Then I (birth control failure) got pregnant. He couldn't run fast enough, although he did take the time to offer to pay for an abortion first.

I had the child and, not wanting to sentence him to a life on welfare, gave him up for adoption. It destroyed my life and is, in spite of all my childhood abuse, probably 90% of the reason for my depression and PTSD.

The sperm donor and I, while living together, were very, very broke. He was in school and I had a minimum wage job in a hick town in the middle of nowhere and we had nothing -- not even a telephone, had to use the pay phone 2 blocks away (this is before cellphones).

So, since he couldn't easily call people to tell them he was dumping me, he wrote letters. I "found" (he left it laying out, you wanna talk passive-aggressive?) a letter he wrote to a mutual friend. It said that since we had proved we could live on our own without our parents that he "didn't need me anymore."

I tell you that to tell you I know how it feels. 16 years later, I haven't ever forgotten it, but the pain has lessened to the point that now it just pisses me off instead. For a long, long time I tried to make excuses for his behavior, and I finally got sick of it and put the blame right where it belongs, on his skinny little ***, LOL.

I know you don't want to hear it takes time, but it takes time. In the meantime, take some time to sit down and make a list of all the good things about yourself. I can contribute one -- your responses to me are always very thoughtful and considered. It's clear you take time to respond very personally. You've helped me a great deal on a number of occasions.

What you've been through sucks, and you do need to grieve it. My son's adoptive mom did some Internet sleuthing and tracked me down this year, and while I'm ecstatic for the limited contact I now have, I'm still grieving his loss, in a way. God has richly blessed that child; he's had the best life ever, so far. But I missed out on it. I guess I'm grieving for me more than him.

Take the time to take care of yourself. You're worth it. Don't expect it to get better overnight -- but it will happen. Besides, as a journalist, you shouldn't believe everything you hear at face value. Dig a little and discover what you're really worth. :-)

Candy

[Wants2Fly]

Thank you so much. That is some of the nicest stuff that anyone has ever taken the time to tell me. Thank you. My gratitude is immense.

[eskielover]

Hi Wants2Fly,

It is very sad that your ex only took a snapshot out of your life to make his judgement on. He didn't even give you a chance to adjust to your diagnosis.

Considering how you felt about him & the things you did for him, he was very lucky to have you. I'm sure if you ever find another man that is attracted to you for who you are (& you are attracted to him), he will fall in love with your sensitivity, kindness, humor, & yes, intelligence is very attractive. It takes time for a relationship to grow after being burned once, but it is possible if it is right. Never say never!!!!! Don't be satisfied with a "frisky" relationship.

You are not worthless or "filled" with hate & bitterness. It may be there a little due to your experiences, but it "is not you". Like your T said, it is only one persons opinion. You show us who you are here & I can guarantee, you are an extremely valuable person.

One thing you might consider about other long relationships is that sometimes even though couples are together after all that they have gone through, there was nothing there to start with. It can be that they are just too lazy to do anything about ending the relationship or don't want to lose the things you did.

Sometimes it looks good from outside, but if you were "a fly on the wall", the view would be so much different. When there is nothing there, the time will come when there is nothing to lose, that the relationship will end also. (I'm going through this right now with a 30 yr marriage).

Don't be hard on yourself. You are valuable.
Debbie

[Myzen]

Hi Wants2Fly,

I would like to second Ozzie' s post. When we have had some illness, especially if it effects our emotional lives, we lose the capacity to see others faults with any confidence. We can get into the trap of thinking that anything that goes wrong in our relationships is down to ourselves.

That is a mistake, and it's so unhelpful for us.

Candybear told us something about her adopted son and I'd like to share something also. (I may already have posted this somewhere, I can't remember)

My first marriage was stormy, and when my first wife left I had problems seeing my baby daughter. Eventually I agreed to let my first wife adopt my daughter with her new husband.

30 years later my daughter turns up and guess what she tells me? She has had a 'very stormy' time with her mother who has now divorced from the second husband and my daughter is not living with either of them. She told me that her mother said she was 'bad' because she had a 'bad' natural father. She tells me that she can't relate with her mother and relies on her stepfather mostly.

This is a sad, sad thing. After two meetings she tells me that she can't handle the contact with me. She says she can see that I'm a good person, but the emotions are too strong for her and her mother is still bitter about me. The pain is excruciating, but it is for her, not for me. I can see that there is no future in it for us, and I accept her decision gracefully.

BUT, since that unhappy first marriage I have put together another marriage, 25 years strong, and I have another daughter who is as easy with me as I could ever wish.

My point. I spent a lot of time beating myself up about being a difficult person to live with, and blaming myself for the arguments with my first wife, and then in a different marriage I don't have any trouble. I must admit that, at the time of the adoption I did have a suspicion that events would turn out this way, but I hoped that with me off the scene my first wife would ease up a bit.

I should point out here that I don't want to demonise my first wife too much. I learned from that marriage, and I have been able to put those lessons into my second marriage. I have learned when to hold back, and the importance of listening. As a young man, I was probably quite a handful.

Anyway, this is only my view of events, and it's oversimplified, but the point is good. If you are having an empty time with an intimate partner, maybe it's not your own diagnosis that is entirely to blame. It's too easy to pin all the blame on ourselves, it takes two people to mess things up.

I think that people on this board are generally more reflective and self aware than most, as we have a lot of stuff to deal with, and we deserve some credit for that.

Wants2Fly, I hope things work out for you. I think that you're a good person.

Myzen

[shakes]

Wants2Fly,
From what I have come to know of you through this board I strongly feel that your ex husband does not deserve you. You are kind and compassionate of others..and you just happen to suffer from some mental as well as physical illness.
He was a horrible man for leaving you during your time of need. I know that in time you will find someone who you deserve to be with.

Stay strong,
Jessica

[Wants2Fly]

Thank you, EskieLover and Myzen, for taking the time to write such long notes that shared things that are so authentic and meaningful about your inner selves and values and experiences. And I thank Ozzie, CandyBear, Myzen, Eskie and Shakes for all of your kind words.

Today, I have a hint that maybe my roommate situation isn't going to work out. I have a feeling that neither one of us really wants to have a roommate, so there is very subtle push-pull going on. If I have to move to a motel with high-speed internet so I can finish the freelance assignment, it will be expensive.

The uncertainty of all this has my nerves leaping around like jumping beans. So your kind words mean a lot -- a rope to hold onto as my ship passes over stormy seas. Thank you, all. I luv youse guys.

[eskielover]

Hope the roommate situation can be tolerated long enough for you to get through your freelance assignment. Then you will have some money available to figure out something that will work better.

There is no sense living in a situation that doesn't work, but my marriage isn't working, & unfortunately, I have to tolerate the living conditions until I am financially prepared to do something about it. Unfortunately money seems to dictate the moves at times since one ends up suffering either way.

Hope you can work this out for your benefit. You shouldn't be the one that looses.

[Genesis]

I am late on this, but wanted to let you know how much you have helped me. I haven't been here for long and don't personally know anyone here. But from what I see on the 'outside' of you is care and support, and a genuine (not fake) person. You were one of the first people to respond to my first posts and really helped me feel better about my situation. I thank you for that, and I think you honestly care for other people. You don't know me, and only know the things I've posted here. You didn't have to respond to me, but you did. You cared, you didn't judge or hate me.

I don't think what your husband said is true about you. I know we can all be moody sometimes but that doesn't make who we are! From what I've seen you post; your care and love for other people, I think you're a great person!!!