[Wants2Fly]

I feel that I have made a mess of almost every relationship in my life, that I don't know how to have warm, intimate relationships. Perhaps I am too selfish, self-involved. I don't know.

I can't even go into it in a long email. It is all too complicated. I am working with a T. Are there some people who are doomed never to learn how to get along in life?

[eskielover]

Maybe you just haven't found a person that you are compatable with yet. It is not easy to find a person like that where you become best friends. Then when you do, they do not always last. It takes work on both sides to make that kind of relation. It is not that you can't get along in life. You seem to be aware of that kind of relation, & if someone fits the personality & feels that way towards you, It will happen.

[nothemama8]

Dear Wants2fly, you have people skills or you wouldn't be here, you have a iner circle here at the forum with all of us.
(((((hugs))))))
Angie

[Wants2Fly]

Oh, to go into it all takes so long. Better with a T.

First, bad blood with my brother & I. Asked him for a favor in an email. But what I wrote pushed some of his buttons, he wrote an email back that pushed my buttons, letting me know that I'd ruined his peace of mind so he couldn't meditate. Fortunately, I held back from answering because I was expecting things wouldn't work out. Then he wrote a shorter note, saying he couldn't do the favor. Also expected. So I wrote back and said that I agreed, no contact is best. My stomach is clenching up. Which it was. Then he offered me money, instead of doing the favor. I don't want his money. I want a loving family who supports me.

Second, I've longstanding friend, but I am not her best friend. I am not anyone's best friend. And right now, she has a childhood friend who is sick living with her. But when she said they might buy a house together, and I asked if I could buy in, she fobbed me off. I have another longstanding friend who has a similar True Blue best friend. But I am not anyone's best friend. And I wrote an email saying I was hurt; and she is now telling me all the ways I've hurt her, and all my character defects are coming out and ways I hurt people that I don't even know I do.

Third, I stumbled onto a freelance writer who has extra work, and he is going to give some of his overflow to me, and it is going to be very helpful to have that money. But I wrote something catty in an email about another business person I'd recently met -- and it turned out, this is one of his friends. Out of work in a strange city, I simply can't afford to make these kinds of missteps. I've got to zip it and keep my uncharitable thoughts to myself.

I've been crying almost constantly since yesterday, isolating, unable to take the positive constructive actions I need to take to find a place to live by Nov. 1. It's as if something has gone out of me, and I can't care about myself for longer than 2 seconds.

My brother is hurt; I'm hurt. My friend is hurt; I'm hurt. I hurt myself in a business setting. I can't handle all this hurt.

[eskielover]

Maybe if you consider your past situations as learning experiences, it will help you continue with your life. It is now in your past. When you get into situations like this again, you can think about what happened & then act in a way that will not give you the same results. We all learn from our experiences. That is how we grow & continue improving ourselves & our lives. That is how children grow. They experience things they don't like & find you how to act in order not to feel that way again. They continue with their lives, growing & experiencing.

Go on with your life & plan a success path, remembering along the way what didn't work. Don't try to force the past to work, It is good to be sensitive, but not overly to your detriment. In other words, try not to take things too personnaly. It is just how life goes & everyone has those experiences in one way or another. Put your HURT in the past & don't dwell on it. Go on with your life. It can only get better if you have learned from the problems you are experiencing now.

Some relations just aren't meant to be & you can't FORCE them, so don't try. You end up only letting yourself get hurt.

You can go on

[Wants2Fly]

These are very, very useful thought. Thank you, EskieLover. I wish I had a dog right now. They embody unconditional love. But my life is too unstable, and I've too hard a time just taking care of myself. I guess that should be in my plan for success: more dog love! Though I will always miss the two I had to give to loving homes last year.

[SeptemberMorn]

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Are there some people who are doomed never to learn how to get along in life?

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Only if they don't want to, Hun. You want to not that I think there's anything wrong with you on that note.

[Wants2Fly]

Thanks September Morn. Just a bad few days, I guess.

[eskielover]

You are correct, there is nothing like that unconditional love. I have 11 of these little eskies, each with their own personality. But each with more love than anyone could want. They curl up by me, talk to me, & my youngest will even tell me when he has done something wrong. He comes to me with a very guilty look of his face. I would swear that there is a human somewhere in that little dog.

My pets are where I get my love & comfort, including my horses. Especially my new foal who is now 3 weeks old. The first day, she wanted nothing to do with me. Now, everytime she sees me, she gives me a little whinny to let me know that she wants me to pet her. She also gives me kisses when I come up to her & if she feels that I am ignoring her, she pushes me softly with her nose to remind me that she is there. It is amazing how similar animals are to children though. When she kicks, she gets kicked back (not enough to hurt, just enough to know that it doesn't feel good). She has learned that my space is to be respected & she will still get all the love she would ever want.

All my pets get trained as to what is right & wrong in the beginning, so they can build on that & grow up to be sensitive, caring, & loving friends within the requirements to get along with people. Socialization is a big part of growing & the more time I spend with them, the more sensitive they become.

It's a beautiful life

[ToddAADD]

Read the book, How to win friends and influence people" it will help.

[Wants2Fly]

You know, Todd, I've read that book and lot's of other books about relationships and ocmmunication. Many of these books -- and I would includes "Win Friends" in this category -- are somewhat superficial in their approach. I'm sorry if you disagree with this; I certainly respect your right to your own opinion, and it's absolutely great if this book helped you.

Sometimes the problems go deeper than active listening, being interested in the other person, and so forth. I make a generally good impression on people. I am talking about engagement at the deepest layers of our self and souls and who we are, when we want to have an authentic heart-to-heart relationship. Some of us who come from dysfunctional families carry the wounds deep within us. A book like "Win Friends" can help me *appear* to be like everyone else for the most part, but the deep wounds still need to be healed.

I apologize if you feel that I am rejecting your advice.

[jellowaste]

&lt;b&gt;You're human. I'm human. We're all human. We shouldnt really need any special skills to convert with other humans.&lt;\b&gt;

[h0kie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

Second, I've longstanding friend, but I am not her best friend. I am not anyone's best friend. And right now, she has a childhood friend who is sick living with her. But when she said they might buy a house together, and I asked if I could buy in, she fobbed me off. I have another longstanding friend who has a similar True Blue best friend. But I am not anyone's best friend.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I know how you feel. I am no one's best friend either. In fact, I hate that term "best friend". I have a friend I am close with, but she lives with her best friend. I don't know why I don't have a best friend. I think I just don't put the effort out there to get one.

Just wanted you to know you aren't alone in the best friend thing.

[Myzen]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
You know, Todd, I've read that book and lot's of other books about relationships and ocmmunication. Many of these books -- and I would includes "Win Friends" in this category -- are somewhat superficial in their approach. I'm sorry if you disagree with this; I certainly respect your right to your own opinion, and it's absolutely great if this book helped you.

Sometimes the problems go deeper than active listening, being interested in the other person, and so forth. I make a generally good impression on people. I am talking about engagement at the deepest layers of our self and souls and who we are, when we want to have an authentic heart-to-heart relationship. Some of us who come from dysfunctional families carry the wounds deep within us. A book like "Win Friends" can help me *appear* to be like everyone else for the most part, but the deep wounds still need to be healed.

I apologize if you feel that I am rejecting your advice.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Wants2Fly,

I completely agree with you. The whole notion of 'winning friends' makes it sound like a competition. I think that close friendships come to us in a non-verbal way, and there shouldn't be a push/pull thing going on.

This area of my life has been better since I stopped trying.

A wise buddhist Monk once said, "The enlightened being has no friends and no enemies". Although that initially sounded cold, I am beginning to understand it. We can't sort our problems out through other people, we have to look within ourselves. We have to be friends with ourselves first, and inside ourselves is the place where the deep wounds you refer to can be healed. Once you have some inner peace, then you can be friends with everyone, and the enemy of no-one.

I have a friend who is a trained therapist. Over the years she has had a succession of 'best friends' and eventually each one leaves her acrimoniously, with no further contact. I have watched her doing this, and it is so good for me that I have not been one of the 'best friends'. My friend, although a therapist, has some blind spots of her own.

Good luck, Myzen