[Downnout]

I have been married for 15 yrs of which I have only had the opportunity to work for 4. Between, kids, my husband being done alot and just could never afford daycare to work outside the home. Now 15 yrs later and 60lbs heavier. He just told me he prefers me the way I was when I was... That hurt me so bad . Becasue this is not the frist time it started early in the relationship. I love him to death. I can not even support myself. I have no work history, because I always felt guilty when I did not work my credit is horrible. he's perfect, I have had to turn down 10 jobs in the past years because the hours do not allow me care for my children. I feel so hopeless. I found myself , as many times in the past, wanting to leave this place. I cry all the time. I can not seek counseling. I have become a horrible mothe rto my children. I sit back and look at my life and I am no where to be found. I cannot leave because the children has no one (he is out of town again- he goes 8-12 months at a time)
Last year I lost 35lbs and the only thing he could muster to say was : you look great, but if you workout you can lose it faster"
He says he loves but I do not feel it and I have not felt it for a long time. According to him I took the conversation the wrong way, he where talking about wife getting over weight.

[50guy]

Hi Downnout;
Welcome to PC. I wonder how much weight you husband has put on over the last 15 years. The veiled put downs are a bit concerning to me. What kind of work does your husband do that he is gone a lot?

Do you have a Target store close by? They have a policy of flexible scheduling that can work around hours that you are available. I worked there for 2 years and they were very accommodating.

Your weight loss is a great achievement and you should be proud of yourself. Keep up the good work. What makes you think you are a horrible Mother to the kids? You have gotten them this far in life and that is wonderful. You said you cannot leave. Do you want to leave? Do you have medical insurance, if so you can see your provider and explain your feeling to him/her. They can refer you to a counselor.

I have been married for 35 years to the same woman and she is not the weight she was when I married her, but neither am I.
The focus on outward appearance is not the main thing in a marriage that is going to last. As we grow older our bodies change. Most put on weight for a while only to lose it later in life.
Your husband should be happy to have a wonderful wife that takes care of his kids and home for him.

Good luck to you and have a wonderful day,

[Downnout]

Thanks for your post. It's nice to know that there some nice people in the world

What kind of work does your husband do that he is gone a lot? he works for the governement
Do you have a Target store close by? Yes Thanks I never thought about that. I am concerned with being able to provide for my family
Do you want to leave? I do But I do love him to the core of my soul and I know I will not be able to take care of my kids without him
Do you have medical insurance? not if I leave
What makes you think you are a horrible Mother to the kids? Because I have 4 wonderful kids but all I want to do is leave, be alone. What kind of mother wnats to leave her children.But it seems I am always so exhausted trying to fit into my own family.
Well enough of my whinning.

Thanks again for your post

[50guy]

Downnout,

Everyone has feelings of being inadequate in their life. I don't care who they are. You are a bit overwhelmed by the kids and everyday living. How old are your children? can one of them pitch in and help you around the house, or are they old enough to be responsible to watch the younger ones for a few hour a day while you work?

I asked about insurance so you can go to your provider and ask for a referral to a counselor. May I ask if you believe in God? Are you spiritual? Perhaps prayer can help you. I am a spiritual counselor if you are interested. I enjoy helping people.

You are not whining, you are expressing you exasperation with your current situation.

Have a great day.

[AAAAA]

Downnout,

It doesn't make you a bad mother to want some me time away from your children, it makes you human. Unless a person has taken care of their kids 24/7 for an extended period of time they have no idea of the stress that you deal with on daily basis.

Hubby was offered a job like that when he first got out of the service. The civilian company that serviced and installed the equipment hubby worked on in the service offered him a job at 5 times what he could make otherwise. Sounds good, but like you, I would have wound up being a single mother (also of four children). They would not guarantee more than 2 weeks home at a time.

If he's home that infreqently it would be hard to go to couples therapy, but try, it might make all the difference in the world.

I'm not defending hubby, but I know that there have been times through the years that what my husband is saying and what I'm hearing is two completely different things; and vice versa.

Good luck and welcome to PC!

[Doh2007]

It sure sounds like you are in a stuck place. You will probably have to rely on yourself to improve your lot. As soon as your youngest is in school, I would suggest taking a part-time job. I've heard that those with part-time jobs are the happiest between stay at home and work full time moms.

Since he's gone so much, don't let his opinions foul all the time you have when he's away. Try to think that he's unhappy with something about himself and he's taking it out on you.

You really can survive this. You just need some ideas of how to get some good feelings going. We're here for you.

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Downout -- I agree with everything 50guy has said.My first thought when I read your husband's comments about your weight was, Huh, so who's he -- Sean Connery?

Sometimes there are places to get counseling without paying very much. I've been seen for as little as 10 dollars at a United Way family counseling center -- and he was very compassionate, wise, and helpful.

I hope you soon find little ways to make changes and feel better.

And I do not think it is whining, either.