[BlueFaith]

My husband and I have been married for 9 years... together as a couple for almost 11 years. He had an affair a year and a half ago. Well, we've been going to therapy together and I really thought we were making progress. I forgave him for it, and all I want to do is move forward. The thing is that HE seems to be hung up on this. He tells me every day how sorry he is, and says he wouldn't blame me if I left him. He says he feels that I don't want to be with him any longer. I haven't said anything or done anything to make him think this way. I don't know what I have to do to prove to him that I still want to be in this marriage. I don't feel like HE should be the one with all the questions. Any advice? What should I do?

[50guy]

Hi Mental Pollution;

I have been married for 35 years to the same woman. I know what your husband feels. The guilt is crushing him right now and if you are quiet about it it hurts even more. He is telling you that you can leave because he feels that is what he deserves. You are a good woman to forgive that betrayal.

Tell him that you want to put this behind you and don't want it brought up by him anymore. Tell him that if you have a question that you will ask him. Be firm in your talk and make sure he understands. Let him grovel for a while and let him feel badly. He needs to realize the pain he caused and let the process of healing begin. Tell him that the wound won't heal until he stops all the guilty feelings and becomes willing to allow time and love heal your marriage.

I know he is feeling badly and that is good, but if he continues this behavior it would seem that he is possibly looking for a way to blame inattention to him as a reason for the affair. Guys think weird when it comes to relationships.

Good luck,

Good advice.

[Lenny]

Shame and guilt are cancer to the spirit.

Amends genuinely made are the seeds to forgiveness. It is much harder to forgive ourselves than to forgive others. You have been wonderful to him mentalpolution. You have forgiven him and have made it clear that you wish to move forward.

I don't think men think wierdly in relationships any more than women but I do think that the seeds of perfectionism planted when we are children allow wierd thinking for all of us...we simply weren't born to be perfect...

I think he needs to understand that failure is part of building strength and that forgiveness is the sign of new growth. Let him know that this challenge that he and your marrage have encountered is an opportunity for building a stronger bond and taking that opportunity means understanding what caused the affair,,resolving those issues and moving forward...

Encourage him to speak to a counselor independently and as a couple...affairs and the subsequent shame and anger can eventulally break the love...

IMHO.

Lenny

[bebop]

I think if you are still in counseling it would be good to bring this up to the therapist. Let them know in front of him how this is affecting you. talk to him and let him no that you don't need to continue it to be brought up that it is making it worse for you. much love to you hon and good luck.

[gordian_knot]

I agree with 50guy's advice, but there's one important thing to add: why do you think you've been put into a position where, as you put it, you "don't know what you have to do to prove to him that you still want to be in this marriage."?

Sure, he feels guilty, feels like a failure, feels sorry. And yet through these actions he is continuing to knowingly cause you emotional distress.

When you boil it down, he, like any adulterer, chose to have an affair because, ultimately, he felt like it and at the time he chose to disregard the consequences. And now he's again doing what he feels like doing, acting with emotions and not rational thought, even though he knows it's making things worse for you.

There are two reasons for this that I can think of:
<ul type="square">[*] His emotions are overwhelming him and he can't help himself. If you believe this is true, then follow 50guy's advice and lay it on the line, telling him how this is affecting you and that you want it to stop so that the two of you can move forward.[*] The other reason could be that he resents having to end the affair and resents the situation he's in, and he's being passive-agressive and manipulative in ways designed to punish you for it. I hope this isn't the case, and only you can answer this question... but don't immediately discount it. Could this be possible with your husband? If it is... you may have a different kind of ultimatum to give him.[/list]

[50guy]

gordian knot,

Your reason occurred to me too, and I am glad you stated it.



Have a great day.

[Lenny]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
gordian_knot said:

When you boil it down, he, like any adulterer, chose to have an affair because, ultimately, he felt like it and at the time he chose to disregard the consequences.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm sorry but I don't agree with this immense generality Gordian. I think there are men and women who indeed do what they feel like and are victims of their appetites.

But I also think that many situations are complex and the behavior of adultry is an expression of far deeper issues,,sometimes disordered. I don't beleieve responsibility or accountability can be bypassed by the reality of deeper issues but I think that those aspects can mitigate and enhance the process for healing.

To state that it simply boils down to a simple selfish decision can be unjust to both parties during reconciliation...

IMHO.

Lenny

[gordian_knot]

You're right - my comment was a little too global, and exceptions certainly exist. There are those people who, for example, may have an illness that causes them to lose all sense of right and wrong, such as someone who is a sociopath in the clinical sense, i.e. "a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others and inability or unwillingness to conform to what are considered to be the norms of society".

But that's extremely rare, Lenny. Nearly every other factor - alcoholism, addiction, many mental illnesses, abusive upbringing, etc. - may push a person towards committing adultery, but that person is still able to choose a different path. Because of these factors, that choice may be enormously difficult... but it's still a choice, sometimes selfish, sometimes not.

Maybe, instead of saying people cheat because they feel like it, it's more accurate to say that most people commit adultery because they choose to stop battling their urges.

[Lenny]

Excellent points Gordian...

Lenny

[vetswife]

All the luck to you. You are a stronger woman then I.