[inkblot]

There is a certain guy who is attracted to me, and I to him. We are about one year apart in age. He's good looking (and really tall!), really sweet, nice guy, and we get along GREAT. We both are into computers and have laptops, too. Problems are that I know he might have a problem when he gets angry and he smokes marijuana. He is under a lot of stress being homeless like I am. I figure its his choice if he's going to smoke or not, but I also don't want to be around it and get in to any trouble. I don't know how the legal system works, but regardless, I don't want to associated with an illegal drug like that. But he's a really nice guy! I really do like him, so this hard to know what to do. I don't want to be straight forward and say the drug or me. Like I said, it's his choice, he knows there are risks, and he won't change for me this soon into us getting to know each other.

[shakes]

Inky,
I hope that he would take your feelings into consideration and not smoke it around you. Would that help?

Jessica

[gloria]

There isn't such a thing as a great guy that smokes pot.
Those two things don't go together, unless he does it for pain relief or medical reasons.

To me, drug addictions without a medical need are a sign of inmaturity. I am sooooo sorry to be so judgemental, but I trully feel this way.

[shaddix]

in my opinion, the only thing you can do is get him to realize that he actually does have a problem and hope that he decides to change it himself.

good luck. <3s

[Random]

Pain relief is a pretty vague reason. I smoke pot to relax from anxiety. Is that pain relief? I agree it might be immaturity but i also think you can be a good person and be immature at the same time.

If the pot smoking isnt something you want to deal with i think it makes perfect sense not to go out with someone for that reason though.

[Malady156]

In a society that encourages us to ingest a variety of chemicals for every perceived personal need, from pain relief to mood stability to fighting germs, as well as featuring a mood-altering substance, alcohol, as a central factor in adult social life and even business networking, I think it is at best ludicrous and at worst hypocritical to suggest that use of marijuana is in itself indicative of immaturity. There may be immature people who use marijuana for immature reasons, and do so intemperately, but this does not mean anyone who consumes pot without a "medical reason" is one of them.

I can't smoke it regularly myself because it creates more problems for me than it solves (makes me more hypersexual, amoral and paranoid than I already am) but that's not the case for everyone. Some find it relaxing the same way I find two small glasses of wine in the afternoon relaxing. Some find it eases their anxieties. Some are mature people who are simply making use of a substance that has been (stupidly and ignorantly in my opinion) unnecessarily vilified and criminalized in our modern society, which doesn't help the agenda of keeping people away from it but rather simply encourages MORE irresponsibility with it than if it were decriminalized and age-restricted like alcohol and enjoyed the same objective education about its potential dangers and bad side effects that alcohol does.

I think if you love this person you need to decide objectively whether his pot smoking IS a problem for HIM (it can be, but doesn't have to be) rather than assume it is just because of social conventions. Obviously it's a problem for you if you're uncomfortable around it regardless, but determining whether he's just a casual smoker who can handle himself and his life OR whether he is using it as a crutch and/or his use is "abuse" that interferes with his life will determine how you need to approach the situation. Asking him not to do it with you or around you is one way to approach it. It would not be appropriate to approach it like "he has a problem" unless he really DOES have one -- and again, you need to assess that objectively first, and by "objectively" I mean NOT according to the kind of hypocritical ignorance in our society that will push a pharmaceutical solution for everything and then claim lighting up a joint after work to relax constitutes "a drug problem" ... but with wisdom free from bias. Is it interfering with his work? His ambitions in life? His ability to take pleasure and have enjoyment in non-pot-smoking pursuits like sports or hobbies or whatever else he is "into"? Those would be "red flags". But if he's functional and can enjoy activities without NEEDING to be high for them, there's no need to worry except to establish your comfort zones in your relationship with him and have that respected.

[Wants2Fly]

Hello Inky --

I have mixed feelings about pot. I am a former user, but I've been "clean and sober" for a long time.

One bonafide research finding about marijuana use is that it decreases motivation when used regularly. This is the downside of being "relaxed." One can be so relaxed that one no longer cares enough to do anything about a predicament such as homelessness.

So I would say that it's one thing for an attorney whose working 60 hours a week to use pot on a weekend now and then, but it's another thing for someone who has serious problems to solve (such as homelessness) to use it routinely.

He should not smoke in your presence if you don't like it as a simple matter of courtesy. However, I also concerned about the LT effects it may have on his motivation to get his life straightened out.

I can understand how attractive it must be to have someone to comfort you at this difficult time. But I hope you will protect yourself from becoming involved with someone who may wind up dragging you down. Soon you may be carrying his problems as well as yours if a strong bond develops.

I don't want to say "you deserve" better about a man I don't know -- though the inclination is there.

I hope that you will think about what your needs and boundaries are. What kind of progress would you want to see in him -- with deadlines and specific goals he must obtain? Hold back from commitment and protect your heart.

[Malady156]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
One bonafide research finding about marijuana use is that it decreases motivation when used regularly. This is the downside of being "relaxed." One can be so relaxed that one no longer cares enough to do anything about a predicament such as homelessness.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This is definitely true -- the "amotivational syndrome" is a real risk with continual and frequent use.

[Random]

Whats this motivation thing you are talking about?

[SeptemberMorn]

Inky, according to how you say you feel about pot, sounds like this guy isn't all that "great!" "Great guy, BUT he smokes pot." Like I used to tell my kids, "When in doubt, DON'T." The word "but" is very indicative of doubt on your part. What truly matters is how YOU feel about his pot smoking.

[shakes]

I have to agree with what is being said. Pot itself is not this horrible demon drug that the media/government wants you to believe. However it does depend on the individual. People who smoke it to "get away" from their problems probably have other dependency issues as well. Therefore they should be more careful.
Again it is about your own personal values. If it bothers you and he cannot be respectful of that then ditch him.

Jessica

[Malady156]

Random, "amotivational syndrome" is a well known and well documented negative effect from prolonged or frequent use of marijuana.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Amotivational syndrome, according to researchers, is seen most often in heavy marijuana users. It is defined as "apathy, loss of effectiveness, and diminished capacity or willingness to carry out complex, long-term plans, endure frustration, concentrate for long periods, follow routines, or successfully master new material." Experts also note that verbal communication can be impaired in both speaking and writing, and that some users become more introverted and "totally involved with the present at the expense of future goals." These kinds of symptoms have been described in scientific literature on marijuana use in societies with a long history of the drug, such as Egypt and the Caribbean, as well as in the United States.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> (Source: KQED "You Decide", http://www.kqed.org/topics/news/pers...uana/2yes.html )

That was just to provide a basic definition.

[shakes]

Wow I have never heard of it. It makes sense though.

Jessica

[Random]

Haha that was me trying to be funny, i smoke pot regularly and am pretty lazy.

[SeptemberMorn]

Guess I'm getting on the bandwagon about pot not being any worse than alcohol. Alcoholics aren't any more motivated than pot smokers. So why is pot such a "boogie"? Why isn't alcohol banned if the government thinks we can't take care of ourselves? They obviously think THEY can do a better job!

I'm beginning to understand the problems with some family members and the lack of motivation.

[struggling931]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SeptemberMorn said:
Guess I'm getting on the bandwagon about pot not being any worse than alcohol. Alcoholics aren't any more motivated than pot smokers. So why is pot such a "boogie"? Why isn't alcohol banned if the government thinks we can't take care of ourselves? They obviously think THEY can do a better job!

I'm beginning to understand the problems with some family members and the lack of motivation.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Well actually alcohol lessens inhibitions so "alcoholics" may be more active ("motivated"?) than pot smokers (I put alcoholics in quotes because it's little like comparing apples and oranges, not all people who drink, even regularly, are alcoholics, if you're going to use that word you would need to compare them to the marijuana version of alcoholism, maybe "heavy and regular user"? [I don't know if there's a single word.]).

Having said that I think there is a quasi-legitimate argument for criminalizing marijuana while allowing alcohol to be sold, namely that alcohol is a preexisting part of the culture and Prohibition didn't work, so they're trying to prevent marijuana from becoming mainstream. Having said *that* I've also heard that literally 99% of people in Congress favor legalizing marijuana *off the record*, but won't vote that way because it's political suicide. So yes you can say it's "the government", but also the reality that so many people would reflexively vote against a candidate or office-holder who was seen as pro-drug cannot be ignored.

What I find more bizarre than alcohol being legal and pot not is *cigarettes* being legal. I mean, it's like they're going to ban smoking one drug but not another? Nicotine is far more addictive from what I hear. Also caffeine is very addictive--it makes wonder whether there isn't a psychopolitical reason for these apparent inconsistencies--namely that government institutions allow substances which stimulate people (maybe because more energy results in increased levels of economic activity, which means more tax revenue?) but disallows drugs which facilitate people from feeling good in a passive way, not getting too worked up about applying to that MBA program or whatever. Just a philosophical thought.) :-)

P.S. On an historical note, I think the zenith of "reefer madness" in the U.S. also coincided with the Cold War--so maybe drugs which were seen as blunting people's aggressiveness were also seen as somehow detrimental to national security (like the Russians show up on the shores of New Jersey and you offer them a bong hit LOL.) So maybe there's a hangover from that perspective as well.

[AAAAA]

In my youth, there were certain things that were black and white, period. Drugs were one of those issues. When I started dating my husband, had I known that he smoked pot recreationally, there’s no way in hell I would have continued dating him, let alone marry him.

He never smoked around me, then he joined the Navy so he couldn’t. Once he was out of the service it wasn’t worth the risk (getting fired from his job). Although to this day he says if it was legal he’d much rather smoke a joint than have a beer (neither of us drink either.)

I am in no way advocating the use of illegal drugs. But had I known then what I know now, I would have dismissed him without a second thought. I would have missed out on an excellent husband, wonderful father, and truly amazing, responsible man.

[StarPonysMama]

Used to be a pot head.

Dated a pot head.

Former Bartender who have seen many people fight, fall off bar stools and bust their head wide open, get sickingly drunk, and become lethargic alcoholics.

Pot smokers are sometimes slack asses! It depends on the person. However the potency of marijuana I'm sure is 3x's what it was when I was a smoker. It slows down your brain (litterally - look it up)and is sometimes helpful in creative endeavors.

I dated a pot head in college. Very intelligent guy. Just a pot head and he had a serious lack of motivation. By that time I had quit. So we ended up ending it.

I think pot heads are harmless but also could have a serious effect on a relationship.

IMHO

[ECHOES]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I also don't want to be around it and get in to any trouble.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

yes, I agree. Take care of you first and foremost.

[LMo]

I used to smoke pot on occasion and I am far from lazy. In fact, I am one of the most motivated people I know. Many people smoke pot the way others would have a glass of wine at the end of a day.

But Inky - it's whatever you're comfortable with. Don't lower your standards for a guy - there are many more out there and if pot is more important to him than you are, then move on.

[breakdown156]

Honestly, I myself have no problem dating a guy who smokes pot. Most of the guys I've dated, have done so. But maybe that's because I'm still in high school. I would say don't let what he does get in the way of how you feel for each other, if you really have that connection you will regret not staying with him.
Just don't let him get you into anything that you don't want to do. And if it makes you uncomfortable, tell him to just not smoke around you.
Hope that helps

[christieb]

I wanted to respond to this post because I was where you are with my now husband. I had been raised around pot and never thought negatively of it as I had been taught to think of other drugs (i.e. heroin, cocaine, LSD). So I was able to accept the fact that my boyfriend at the time smoked pot. It did bother me at the time and I had originally made it clear to him and myself that I didn't want that in my life. But, I let it slide and right now, I hate pot. I hate that it controls my husband's life and therefore my life. He basically is addicted to pot and wants to stop because he was recently diagnosed as bipolar and realizes that it's not good when he's depressed. But he can't stop. He's a miserable person when he's without and it makes me hate him. I can't stand that he smokes down and doesn't help with the housework. I hate that he uses not having weed to lash out at me. I hate that he can't control himself.
So.....if you don't like it now, you're really not gonna like it later.
Best of luck to you.

[iamtwilight]

Well, I have to take part in this... because my partner and I smoke some every now and then.. about once a month which I feel is perfect. I wouldn't want to do more stuff more often than twice a month. And I wouldn't want my partner to do it more often than that, which he luckily doesn't.

We mostly smoke together. He thinks it's best to smoke in company, I sometimes smoke alone so I can work on my art. We take care of the house first, do the washing-up, take the dog out etc so we won't have to worry about that and things won't be left undone.

I'm a rather lazy one myself, but I was that way before I started smoking pot or doing any other drug.

I have bipolar disorder and drugs have had no effect on it (sad to say but most psychiatric drugs have had no effect on it either.. except maybe lithium).... I also had psychosis but it was in no way related to drugs, like some researches indicate.

When pot use becomes problematic and gets in the way of, for example, a relationship... is when the person is too fond of the feeling from pot. Sometimes when I'm sober, I can see in my partner's eyes that he really really likes being high, and if I didn't know he doesn't have the need to do stuff more often, I would leave him. Some people don't feel that way - they need that feeling more often.

It is problematic when being high is better than being with the one you love. when being high is better than sex. etc.

I have decided that if it ever comes to that point in my relationship, I will call it quits right away.

confusing thoughts, but I had to have my say. forgive me if I was foolish..

[youOme]

I've smoked pot many times before and had actually quit smoking only a whoppin 6 months ago. When I did habitually use pot I never did become a different person, I was always myself and maintained the same life style as always.

Sooooo, don't let a little thing like some ganja hold you back from a good guy.

[texaswoman2468]

Thanks so much ,
For helping me to look at what I have been facing this last week I found out the man that I have dated for the last 8 months is a long time 30 plus year user of pot/ I was afraid that his smoking would get into my own work with the Govt. and paniced when I took him in willingly to my Psychologist he admitted he was a rec. pot smoker and that he would not smoke in my presence and would not place me at risk due to my work now . Tonight I asked him to give me his source and when this took place he said he made an oath ;and that was not a given to reviel who gave him the Pot . My fear is that it will be someone who I had to bring in with the law or worse someone who maybe hurting my Boyfriend in the longrun . I have seen so much in the last three year of working wiht all these drug cartels that I fear that he might end up in jail or worse. what can I do at time of my worries. I can not just quite my job . This makes my situation difficult at time . Yet I love this man I JUST donot love his habbit of smoking pot.
Thanks
Texaswoman