[seeker1950]

Could someone be addicted to painful, dysfunctional relationships?
Long after a relationship with a man had ended, I clung to the emotional pain, often wondering if it were some sort of "addiction?"
My upbringing was in an unhappy home, never seeing or receiving affection. As a very small child, I witnessed often violent fights between my parents, while hiding behind a door or wall.
As a teacher, I believe the earliest years are the most formative.
Now, in the present, I am so free, so free of emotional chaos, and it is a foreign feeling to me, but I like it! At the same time, I look at my history in relationships, and do wonder if I am not addicted to pain.
Patty

[sabby]

((((((((((((((( Patty ))))))))))))))

I'm not sure if "addiction" is what it is......I wonder if it's more what we are used to being around and in? We kind of know what to expect in those kinds of relationships. There seems to be a comfort level in being in relationships that are familiar, even when they are unhealthy. And until we learn how to break that connection and begin seeing signs of an unhealthy relationship we don't seem to change much in that direction. I hope that makes sense...LOL.

Of course that is my opinion and it may not be correct for everyone


sabby

[Sannah]

Hi Seeker, yes, the early years are the most formative! I agree with Sabby. My journey in seeking out healthy people was a step by step one. My first realization was that I deserved to be around good people. When I was a young teenager I didn't think that I was good enough to be around good people! Once I changed that thought it was on to the next obstacle that kept me from healthy people.

I think that the next obstacle was allowing others to get close to me. Unhealthy people won't allow you close either so you are a good match with them. Allowing others to get close to me was quite an undertaking but I did accomplish it. If this is true for you I would suggest that you pay very close attention to yourself in this area and you will be able to come up with some answers for yourself.

The final thing that I discovered was recognizing the unhealthy people. This is a challenge because like Sabby said it is just what we are used to and we have never thought about it before. One of the unhealthy behaviors of others that I had to learn to recognize was their self-centeredness. A skill that I had to learn in response to others disrespectfulness was to stand up for myself. I could always recognize disrespect but I never learned how to stand up for myself.

What do you mean exactly when you say that you cling to the emotional pain?

[Lenny]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
seeker1950 said:
Could someone be addicted to painful, dysfunctional relationships?

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That is a good question seeker...and you've received some equally good responses..

In my limited experience I have come to terms with a reality that some folks simply love their misery..no matter how it comes to them.

Whether it has to do with being familiar,,some form of pennance for real or imagined sins, or that pain is a many splendered thing...I don't know,,but misery seems to be the blanket of choice.

But these folks always return to the well,,no matter what relief is offered through Grace, hard work or both.

It is one of the most uncomfortable realites I have witnessed in dealing with folks who suffer profoundly and consistently.

And being "addicted" to relationships that only offer pain is one spoke upon their wheel..

IMHO.

Lenny

[seeker1950]

These are great responses! Thank you all!
I have often thought of this as an "addiction" as I wallowed in pain long after it was necessary.
Lenny, your response is most eloquent, and worthy of printing and posting on a wall in a frame!
This morning, in the early a.m., I actually had a landmark dream in which for the first time in such a dream, I overcame these feelings of aftermath of long painful recovery. I've never had such a dream before. The recurring dreams have all been left unresolved till now.
I woke feeling validation and optimism.
Thank you all!
LOve
Patty

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
seeker1950 said:
Could someone be addicted to painful, dysfunctional relationships?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">My therapist told me that sometimes people who are used to that sort of relationship, perhaps due to childhood experiences, unconsciously seek out similar destructive relationships throughout their lives, in an effort to surmount them, to finally "do right" what they were powerless to do in their childhood. I am in the process of ending a very painful and dysfunctional marriage. I am finally saying "no" to this sort of relationship. It feels great, and echoes way back to when I was a little girl. Very powerful. Hang in there. You can beat this too.

[desertnurse1977]

i often think of this myself. there does seem to be an amount of truth to this - BUT there also seems to be an amount of self-worth involved in making these decisions.

as i have assessed my own relationships i found that i have some REALLY good friends. these people are outstanding sources of support and forward thinking. i have also found that some of them are/have been not so good. thats part of the learning curve as far as i take it.

as far as long-term realtionships go - i think that when we assess what we as people are willing to put up with in our lives we either raise or lower the bar according to our own levels of committment and/or comfort. we do this sometimes against our better judgement.

we all gauge what we can tolerate from what we have experienced as people. and hindsight is our worst enemy in this process sometimes. after looking at things we sometimes over estimate our own abilites and somehow forget about the pain and suffering we experienced through all of it. we look at our current state and think that since we got through it 'without a scratch' we can do it again.

i relate this to extreme sports. the really committed ones will get back up and repeat their stunt regardless of broken bones or deep cuts. others will realize how dangerous it is and reassess their amount of courage it takes to accomplish the feat, as well as the impact it will make on them in the long run.

many things we cannot forsee, and thats nobodys fault. as far as relationships go you CANNOT control what another is going to do, involve themselves in, or commit themselves to outside of the relationship. we can't help but take these things personally, and to some extent its ok to do so since our own emotional investment is involved. you just have to know, again, where to draw the line.

IMHO

[Wants2Fly]

I believe that we can be addicted to painful relationships, for a variety of reasons. Around age 40, I was in a stable relationship with a good, solid man. He was not, however, Mr. Excitement. I reflected back on earlier relationships and youthful marriage.

I noticed that I liked being with men who had a lot of women. If a man had a lot of other women and chose to spend time with me, it boosted my low self-esteem. If he said, I'll call next week, and didn't, it kept me perpetually off-balance and hopeful. And of course, this kind of now-you-see-me, now-you-don't inconsistency confirms the low self-esteem.

I needed unconditional love, and I am happy that I had a respite of 15 years. But, as it turns out, it was less unconditional than I thought. He merely hid all his resentments and left abruptly, but not before saying some hateful things that I never in my wildest imaginings would have thought he believed of me.

Yes, I was addicted to relationships that were bad for me. But, as it turned out, was the relationship that appeared "good" for me really better? Because trusting someone so much seems, only to find out that I didn't know the person at all, destroyed something in me that I'm not sure I will ever get back. Perhaps it is better to know up front that one is dating a back-door man, womanizer, user and liar.