[desertnurse1977]

i guess you all can see my other posts if you want for a recap on things.... in short my wife has BPD (fast switching).... and the last year has resembled the 7th circle of hell so much i don't know if i can stay with it much longer....

she undermines me infront of the kids.... especially when i am trying to discipline them.....

she has no respect for any of my personal space.... or privacy (yes i know that when you are married that you lose some privacy - but not ALL of it)

she's chased my friends away

she's sent revealing pics of herself through the email to other men....

and just yesterday she was fired from her job because her boss's wife gave him an ultimatum.... fire my wife or loose everything he has due to an apparent relationship he had/was having with my wife.....

ultimately i have never felt so completely worthless/angry/upset/hurt in my entire life. my work life has gone to crap since i am slowly loosing the work/home filter (keeping home at home and work at work is becoming almost impossible).....

i need to move.... but i am in the army.... i would like to get out as soon as possible.....i have only 20 months left. but moving would mean i would have to commit to more time..... and i really don't want to stay in the area if i do separate....... ugh.....

she is practically begging me to stay.... and honestly i have so little fight left in me that staying just sounds easier (although in the end i know it won't be). Staying means living with an elephant in the room. Staying means waking up next ot someone i can barely stand who says she 'loves' me... but surely doesn't act like it.

and whats worse...... i have never felt like less of a man EVER. in fact even when i read this i am ashamed that i have become such a weakling.... that i can't even find the gumption to do 'the right thing' which would be take care of myself first..... sigh....

[sabby]

((((((((((((((((( desertnurse ))))))))))))))))))

So sorry to hear how difficult your life with your wife is right now. I can see where living with someone who has her dx can just suck the life out of a person.........it's the ungift that keeps on giving for both of you! I don't mean to say that there isn't help out there available to her and you....but I do understand the challenges that exist and it's dang hard at times.

Is your wife in therapy at all? Is she on meds? How about you, can you get into some therapy in order to help you deal with what is going on? Sometimes having someone to talk to helps you to right things in your own mind and give you the strength to do what you feel you need to do.

I don't see that you have become a weakling....I do see that you are dealing with a very difficult situation and sometimes those kinds of situations make us feel vulnerable....

I hope you can find some support in real time as well as posting here. I also hope that your wife finds some help for her issues as well. I'm sure this must be very difficult for her as well as your kids and you.


sabby

[gordian_knot]

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desertnurse1977 said:
ultimately i have never felt so completely worthless/angry/upset/hurt in my entire life. ...i have never felt like less of a man EVER.

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I know that feeling, desertnurse, and I've never experienced anything worse in my life. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this - it's something no one deserves.

Don't let yourself fall into too deep of a hole, okay?

[Lenny]

Have you read "Stop Walking on Eggshells"?

It is a reasonable depiction of what your facing and has some coping skills for the Non.

I understand your plight..I have loved a person with BPD..and I don't know if there is a more painfull excusion into emotions.

Lenny

[vetswife]

I know how you feel. It's easier to stay then to go. You hate your life but leaving is such a big step. You need something BIG to happen to force the separation. It's easier to deal with all the crap then to fight it. At least that's how I feel.

I and my husband are more like roomates than a married couple. He does his thing and I do mine, we rarely ever do anything as husband and wife or as a family. Sometimes he's in such a bad state of mind I don't want the kids around him and I do everything I can to avoid him. I gave up on fighting it a couple years ago. I just let it go and try to stay away from him when he's like that. I just figure I am not meant to be "happy" (in a relationship).

As for being less of a man, just get that thought out of your head. You can't possibly be more of a man. It takes a big man (or person for that matter) to sacrifice themselves for their country. Plus any other man put in your situation would have left long ago. You are trying, a lot of people wouldn't have done that much. Everyone has their breaking point. I don't think I could deal with cheating, I don't know how you've dealt with it for this long.

Good luck with everything!

April

[nightbird]

I've been there.

I had to hold everything together - even when a part of me wanted to let it all go ... I still tried to keep my family together.

So many abandonments, cheating, lying, deceptions ... even laughing and bad mouthing me
behind my back ...

Those days are over with now. It took a long time to extricate myself - it is difficult when the other person isn't sane more than half the time, or drunk, altered, whatever .

You can see a therapist by yourself and plan your separation, if that is what you deep down need. Or get the professional help to support you while trying to improve the situation.

As you know, if one of you is not okay, the kids suffer.

So, whatever it takes, be the hero - for the kids or the spouse - and seek professional support and guidance for yourself so that you always know what you are doing and why!

That's my best shot - i'm sorry.

It sucks, I do remember all of it.

Peace and comfort to you Dear Person,
nightbird


meanwhile, when possible, treat yourself to the gym, work out, go grab a bite and watch a little tv and get some zzz's when the going gets tuff- the tuff get going, but not without good restful sleep. If it's a problem, tell your medical dr to help.

[Sannah]

Hi DN, I read your reply on the sensitivity thread and was intrigued enough to search out your other posts. It sounds like you are looking for answers so I will give you my 2 cents. What is my impression of you and what is going on?

You said that your parents were substance abusers so you probably grew up meeting their needs and they never saw any of your needs because of all of their overwhelming issues (my mom gave me the same upbringing for different reasons). You now are "trained" to meet the needs of others and still have never realized that you have any needs or that you have permission to meet them. You are a nurse now (many codependents in this field - I hope you don't take offense at that term) and you also married someone who seems very self-centered who you also care for and continue to deny your own needs.

You seem like a really nice guy who deserves much better. You can finally see what is really going on here and take steps to finally take care of yourself and allow all the adults in your life to also take responsibility and take care of themselves.

[desertnurse1977]

well..... you are right to some extent and thank you for your reply.

as far as taking care of people and denying myself..... well...... in being a medic for the army and now a nurse for the army, i have learned to distance myself from things that i determine to get in the way of taking care of people..... and that sometimes even means myself.

as far as my family goes..... i haven't talked to my mother in years.... since i figured out quite a while ago i was doing everything for her.... and i needed to do it for myself. there was a HUGE forgiveness process in all of that... (and yes lots of self-referred counseling) and i even attempted to keep the lines of communication open (again for myself to know that i at least attempted to do the right thing) to no avail.

my father has been pretty much a repeat of the above...... i do talk to him but less frequently.......

i LOVE my job. i've always wanted to do this and it gives me great satisfaction (and at times some pretty crappy results) - but i take my pride from knowing that i am doing my work FIRST the right way, and SECONDLY from the satisfaction of my patients (which i can say at times is lacking - but its part of the job)

from the standpoint of being strictly a medical/surgical nurse i know next to NOTHING about mental health (stress reactions are a basic part of army health care - but thats fairly common knowledge) and a lot of this has been a STEEP learning curve for me. I had absolutely no idea about BPD when i got into this relationship.

Having a slightly religious background i understand and WANT to practice the concept of commitment regardless of others opinions - and i believe a part of the commitment process is being selfless in regards to anothers illness (for better or for worse, in sickness and in health).

its not her fault that she is the way she is - but i DO understand that there is a definate line as to where i need to pay attention to my own needs. that line has been making itself more obvious recently.

at this point in time i need an amount of closure as well as to know that the decision i am making is the right one for myself. time doesn't heal anything as i found out long ago, and right now i am stuck in assessing my options.

thanks to everyone

[Sannah]

I wish you well DN. If I ever need a nurse I would love to be your patient! I am sure that you are really good and very compassionate. I will be on the look out for your posts......

[Wants2Fly]

It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I think others have offered sound insight. I will only add that it takes a brave person to confront out emotions, not a weakling.

I wish you all the best, desertnurse, in working your way through this tragic situation.