[daffyok202]

It's been 7 months since my boyfriend/ friend ripped my heart out of my chest and smashed it into a million pieces. He said he wanted to see other people. I was so shocked, and hurt that when he tried to take it all back I wouldn't listen. I was speechless, overwhelmed, and couldn't talk at all. My father passed away the next day and I just couldn't handle what had happened with both my father and my boyfriend/friend. I've been completely shut down to my boyfriend and haven't spoke to him in 7 months. I can't pick up the phone or text him, I just can't do it. And yet I spend all my time crying and praying, and then more crying. I feel beaten down and stuck in this somber lonely existence. I don't know what to do. Please help

[SpottedOwl]

(((daffyok)))

Dealing with the loss of a parent, even in the best circumstances can be overwhelming. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this.

I think it is ok that you don't want to talk to your boyfriend. There is nothing wrong with wanting space after a relationship ends.

It is also very normal to cry, be angry, be sad, be mad, plead with god, etc. when you are in the process of grieving. So, be kind to yourself.

Have you considered talking to someone?

A professional counselor or therapist would be able to help guide you through the grieving process, and provide some support. Just having someone who is there just for *you* can feel really good.

When my life hit a roadblock, I finally went to see a therapist. At first I didn't want to go, but it has been such a blessing and a huge help.

I send you hugs, and hope.

[Starsdarkmind]

I just shed a tear for you. I think you need to give it some time right now. The loss of your father is more important. If your bf wants to be there for you though maybe you should let him. After you've had some time to where it won't kill you maybe you should ask your bf WHY. Hearing why he wanted to see other people could help your relationship. Maybe there is something that was lacking that needs some fixing. Maybe it's nothing that has to do with you at all. Maybe he isn't ready to be with one person and commit?

Either way, you should find out why. It will tell you whether or not you should be with him.

Just my opinion... that's what I would do.

[Sherina610]

I'm so sorry to hear that you have to go through such pain, sometimes things just seem to be too much and you can't find the way out. You're in the middle of a greiving process so I wouldn't be surprised if you think that the world is so much to take and that you're not enjoying being alive at the moment as everything seems so dark.
When a door is closed, an other opens. Give yourself the time to be angry and sad, take your time to accept the facts that you can not change. Soon, you will see the open door, the light that will guide you to a better life and a happier one.
I believe that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Believing this might help you overcome your misery and look forward to what comes next.
Good luck.

[daffyok202]

Thank you for the suggestion spottedOwl, I have been seeing a therapist for a few years now, for other reasons of course. Unfortunately she hasn't helped me in the past 7 months and I have left her office feeling worse than when I got there. I stopped going about a month ago.

[SpottedOwl]

((daffyok))

I'm sorry that your experience with the therapist isn't helping.
Have you tried to talk to her about it? Maybe ask her for a referral to another therapist -- someone who specializes in grief work?

I had a thought, that is rather personal, so please forgive me if this sounds strange.

Since your father passed the day after your boyfriend gave you his bad news, is it possible that those two events are connected in your mind? The way the brain works storing memories is a bit of a mystery, but I have found that unrelated events will get 'stuck' together in my head just because of their proximity.

One other thought, that has been useful to me in dealing with a breakup -- Try writing out a list of resentments. This is an idea borrowed from the 4th step of AA (The Moral Inventory).

1st Column: The person you have resentments toward
2nd Column: The thing/event you are holding on to/resent the person for
3rd Column: How this made you feel
4th Column: What is My part in this

Start by filling out the first 3 columns, and leave the 4th column for later.

When I did this for my BF, I had over 100 resentments, and I was able to identify a pattern of my own behavior that wasn't helpful. Somehow writing it down in this structured manner helped my brain process the swirl of overwhelming thoughts.

HTH -- My thoughts are with you!

[daffyok202]

SpottedOwl, yes the two events feel very connected in my mind, it feels like one, so how do you get them seperated? It affects my consentration and my focus, I can try your exersize, thank you. As for the therapist, I'm kinda shut down to her right now, I don't have the energy to deal with that situation. I felt relieved when I stoped going.

[sabby]

(((((((((( daffyok202 )))))))))))))))

I'm sorry for what you are dealing with right now...and for your losses. It makes perfect sense to me that you would be combining the two losses and feeling it all as one huge emotion.

My suggestion first and foremost would be to find a grief support group to attend. IMHO, this type of support group would help you in a number of ways. First to support you and help you to know that you are not alone in your grief. They can relate to what you are feeling as they have been there too. I think in learning that it's ok to grieve, it's ok to have the feelings you are having, you may then be able to find some separation of those feelings.....some for your father and some for your ex. Possibly from there you will have more insight and can then tackle the pain and know what you are working on specifically.

It's important to stop the vicious cycle at some point...almost any point in order to grab onto one thing and work on it. As you go through the process of working on that one thing, you can then move on to the next thing and then the next thing...etc etc.

There are grief counselors out there as well as groups you can attend. Some churches hold them and some mental health clinics hold them as well.

It's hard to grab hold of everything that is flying around in circles. Everything is so confusing and scary too at times I'll bet. Just remember that grief is not something you can time. It's not something you can say, well in 3 months I'll be over it and moving on with my life. Everyone grieves at different levels in different times and in different ways.

I do hope you find some relief soon and can begin to make the separation and start your healing. Wishing you well and keeping you in my thoughts.


sabby

[daffyok202]

Thank you for all your insight I have a question. I was seeing my therapist once a week, and it happened to be on a Saturday. So in genaral I would keep track of my problems all week and then when I got to my therapist I would dump one of them on her instead of dealing with it on my own when the problems occured. I wasn't thinking about my concerns or problem solving on my own, so I was basically just putting it all out of my mind until Saturday. See, in my head I imagine my different problems in seperate glass jars with tight closed lids on a shelf, and when I am ready to deal with that particular problem I take the jar down and face the problem. I just don't know if this is working for me anymore because it's always me who decides when I will confront and work threw a problem, which is on Saturday. But, I'm finding life can push heartache, and aggrivation on you so fast sometimes that you don't have a choice, and you have to face it all and deal with it weather you are mentally ready to handle it or not. Did I expect too much from my therapist? What should I do different?

[sabby]

Hey daffy,

Everyone deals with their own issues in ways that they feel works best for them. For me, I tend to internalize my issues and think about them, almost to the point of shutting people out for awhile so that I can have some quiet brain time with no outside interference being thrown into the mix. But like I said, everyone is different.

This would be a really good discussion to have with your T. Your T should be able to help you with investigating other methods of dealing that might work for you as well. Sorry, I don't have more than that to give you for an option.

Wishing you well!


sabby

[daffyok202]

Sherina610 thank you for your sympathy, I will think about an e-mail to him possibly, you make a lot of sense.