Being open to love...

So there's this guy, Clint. We met at college a few years ago and had mutual feelings, but never did anything about them (long story). For several years now, we have had intermittent contact over the phone and chatting over MSN for hours at a time, but not seen eachother face to face again. Earlier this year, we both said we loved eachother, and we were both pretty excited about this. We decided that we couldn't do the long distance thing, especially with me in school, but that if we ever lived in the same place at the same time, we would definitely pursue a relationship. And left it at that. Because neither of us could take the half-in, half-out thing, our conversations cooled down a lot and we were just friendly, but knowing we loved eachother ya know?

So... One night, we're talking and he says he's working on figuring himself out right now, but once he's ready, he plans to pursue me. Like as in, he's considering me as a potential wife. And then, oh about ONE WEEK later, he proposed to someone else and they're getting married now. He tells me this, all excited, and then tells me he wants to stay friends with me.

I told him I couldn't give him that. And I told him how angry I am at him, and he couldn't seem to understand that. And he told me that a big part of what separated us was emotional distance. Not geographic distance, because I was so emotionally distant with him.

I hear that all the time. People always tell me how I push them away and I have lost several romantic possibilities because of it, not to mention many friendships.

I have been emotionally abused and manipulated so much in my life. I just need time to let my feelings grow, and to learn that I am safe with someone. I never felt safe with Clint, and frankly, I'm still not convinced I ever WAS emotionally safe with him.

Will there ever be anyone who will think that I'm worth waiting on, even if it takes me a while to fully open up and fall in love?

Dear Ms. under the age of 25,

The answer to your question is yes. Yes there will be someone who thinks that you are worth waiting on no matter how long it takes you to fully open up.

I mean no condescension by remarking upon age however it is a key factor in where you are at.

You've lived through some fairly terrible situations and having survived that has left you with a way of being that right now others perceive as emotinally distant. Pardon my frankness........but screw em!

You're working so hard on your issues AS WELL AS going to school full time AND looking for work. What more do you want from yourself superwoman?!

You're doing the work. You're feeling the feelings (and just think of how long it has taken to get to this point of feeling...........truly feeling) and learning to move forward in a healthier fashion.

Yes......that person exists who will love you for you regardless of how many layers your onion has. (we're all onions and peeling away the layers often leaves us crying and raw)

Perhaps you weren't emotionally safe with Clint. But now you can examine that relationship and see what worked for you and what didn't. Hold onto more of what worked and keep trying to release the ways of being that didn't work.

You're doing this SC but often during the work we cannot see how hard we are trying. People can see that you're trying hard honey.

Jeez, SC, this is a tough one.

The first thing that comes to my mind is: Consider the source/s.

Here's a guy who sweet-talks you, goes out and proposes to someone, doesn't give you a heads-up about it but reports it post facto -- and blames YOU for being EMOTIONALLY DISTANT! Seems obvious that it's his emotional behavior that needs introspection.

Second, I've heard the "you're emotionally distant" thing a lot throughout my life. It's hard. My stomach churns. I feel so inadequate. As if something important is missing from my emotional-psychological make-up.

Yet I have friendships that have lasted 20-30 years. One of my oldest friends said: People don't have a neutral reaction to you. They either love you or hate you. You have a strong personality.

I have tried to learn "affective listening" behaviors so that my students would find me less intimidating. This includes: smiling, leaning in toward the person, not interrupting, making a lot of eye contact. I think these things have helped.

I don't think anyone will ever confuse me a gregarious Miss America, Cheerleader type personality.

You are young yet, SC, and there is plenty of time to find the man who is perfect for you. Doesn't seem that way right now, I know. I was so desperate to be in a relationship when I was young, and now that I genuinely don't have a lot of years left, it's a whole lot less important. That's something to be said for waning hormones, at least.

I think he behaved like a jerk, and if you don't feel like being friends, you don't have to be.

And if you change your mind 5 or 10 or 30 years from now, that's all right, too.

Thanks for the reassurance, zh and wants!

It's so hard to believe when I'm standing where I am, ya know?

I get SO tired of hearing how emotionally unavailable I am.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I get SO tired of hearing how emotionally unavailable I am.

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but if you really were emotionally unavailable you wouldn't get tired of hearing that because you wouldn't care!

As for any male telling you that you are emotionally unavailable he is no gentleman and therefore already not in the running to be your beau.


Kapiche?

gotcha

Hi SweetCrusader,

Yes, being open to love is one thing, but being messed around is another. I think you will know it when the right person comes along.

Cheers, Myzen

Thanks Myzen. I'm not sure if there is a "right person" for me. I feel like I have nothing to offer a romantic partner.

Angela,

Perhaps consider that right now any possible romantic partner has nothing to offer to you? Ever thought of it that way?

Maybe this time of healing and growth will allow you to learn that you have so much to offer and that the person who eventually will receive such gifts from you needs to be incredibly worthy and able to reciprocate.

You'll get there. For now focus on school, work and learning that you have truckloads to offer.......you just aren't fully aware of that fact yet!!!

Well my focus has always been on schoolwork. In fact, the people in my life are always on my case because I don't think about relationships enough. I'm constantly having to argue with people because I don't believe I should be getting married any time soon, but here in Utah you're an "old maid" if you hit 25 still single! lol! So really, honestly, and truly, my focus is not on my love life. I'm not ready for it right now. But sometimes when things like this happen, I start to wonder if, when I AM ready, I will be able to find someone... Ya know?

Angela,

I second what wants2 said when she alluded to the fact that he was the one who kept the emotional distance. In saying that, though, I'm not saying that you as a survivor, aren't keeping up some pretty high protective barriors. It's so common for a survivor to do.

You'll find someone when it's right for you. I firmly believe that. You have alot to offer the right person...emtionally too. My husband was able to break through my barriors (in the beginning I had full control and allowed him to somewhat) to the real me. Honey, believe me, if I can find someone that loves and tries to understand me, you can too!

When you're ready, you'll see him and that will be that.

As always, I wish you well.

kimmydawn