[hedgehog]

I'm female, 25, college student, and might have social phobia. A lot of times I'd really love to be with other people, but I'm so shy that I never make even a few new acquaintances - I talk to people while in school (I always prefer it to be only one person, though; I don't like groups of people), but they never call me outside of school, and I'm sick of running after them. Also, a lot of times I don't even feel like going out, I'd rather just stay home all day. But I do get lonely ... and now my best friend of almost 3 years, with whom I spent at least 2 or 3 hours daily online (she doesn't live close) has a boyfriend, and she doesn't have like any time for me anymore. We used to be really really close, and now she doesn't want to talk about anything emotional anymore; she's totally blocking things, all we ever talk about is her boyfriend and her problems with him and her dieting. Once, I told her I'd love to have some feedback from her because I wrote her a lot of emails and never got any reply, and she said she didn't know what to say, that that was life ... Every day, I'm losing more of her and I just can't cope with it, I feel really lonely and can't talk to anyone, I still cry every week (sometimes more, sometimes less), and it's been 4 months now. It hurts so badly; I just want to go back to what life was like before I met her, because I was fine then, even without friends. She was the only friend who ever understood me, and for whom I didn't have to put on an act, and now I'm all alone again, and no one understands ... She said she still loved me and that I'd always be her best friend, but it's just not the same anymore; she doesn't even miss me anymore if we don't talk ... What can I do? Also, does anyone have any advice on how I can learn to appreciate going out more? I only ever enjoyed going out with my friend; if I can't go with her, I'd rather go with no one else ... and also I love to stay at home a lot.

[nowheretorun]

Hi hedgehog
Only a qualified Dr. can tell you if you have social phobia, but from what you describe , it sounds possible. I can relate to prefering to talk with one person at a time. More than that and I become the wallflower. Even with people I'm familiar with. Since I started taking zoloft 5 weeks ago though, I am feeling better. Also, my classes require that I particpate in group projects, and I've forced myself to be more involved. But I hate the wallflower feeling, so, like you, I avoid situations that might create it. There's nothing wrong with solitude. I enjoy it quite a bit. Lonliness on the other hand....... Coming here and making friends has helped a whole lot. At first, it's like any other social situation, wondering how you fit in, but before long, I developed some confidence and that has even helped me in my everyday life.
Believe me when I say I understand. Life has been no picnic for me either. I've been working on this since I was 15. I wasn't born shy. I used to be very outgoing and popular. The pain of knowing that only adds to my current pain. It doesn't happen overnight, and it isn't easy. I've adjusted many of my wants and needs to find comfort. In my experience, while it's true for many other things, meeting your fears head on in this case does not help. It only intensifies the fears. I, as you mentioned, have learned to be a home body. It's what I must do to take care of myself. Sure, I still go out on occasion, but those occasions are few. I don't feel cheated by this. When I want to go, I go, but if I want to stay home all day and read, or cyber, or work on the yard, or sip some tea on the patio, then that's what I do, and I find a lot of pleasure in it.
As I've told others, believing in yourself is key. When you have that, very little will shake you. Know in your heart and mind who you are, what you intend, then, if no one else understands, that's their problem.
I can also relate to the chasing after others. It got to where I tracked who called who last and who's turn it was to call. When I didn't get a call on their turn, I assumed it was because they didn't like me. I spent a lot of time depressed. Others aren't thinking on that level. To them, they call when they feel like it. Because of our introversion, which is due to the phobia, we don't stand out like others do. It's a fact, and the sooner we accept it, the better. It's no reflection on the quality of person we are, only a statement of our appearance to others. Many of the people I was sure didn't like me, actually did, but, some people, or many people, at the younger ages, prefer a more energy driven personality, someone spontaneous, with bursting laughter. Because I was depressed, introverted, withdrawn, I was often overlooked on the phone list. It hurt. It depressed me more. It made me withdraw more. But, it didn't mean I was an awful person, not worthy of the air I breathed; I wasn't a creep or any of the many other things I told myself at the time. If you can, avoid lying to youself about your worthlessness. I know it's hard when you see so mnay so called signs. Do something each day to help another. Volunteer or help a little old lady across the street. Knowing to yourself that you are a good part of society, regardless of what society thinks will help a lot.
Right now, you are in a social environment with high energy. It seems the whole world to you. But it is not. One day you will graduate and suddenly, you perception of your surroundings will change. People will look for and expect maturity from you. (not saying youre immature) You will be expected to behave and respond as an adult. Those who love and enjoy the high night life will find the adjustment very difficult, if they succeed at all. Because of our introversion, ability to look deeper, serious approach, we actually have an advantage in the professional arena. Many of the social life distractions are missing. I confess to a social phobia, but I excel in a professional environment. Now that I'm older and the pressure of needing the social circle is diminished, I can appreciate a good wage and promotion.
Some "friends" are actually detriments. They borrow money, talk behind our backs, steal from us, lie to us, come home late and drunk, get DUI's, have to go to court or jail, manipulate, the list goes on and on.... being popular has it's price too. Part of the reason I tend to myself is because of not agreeing with what I see happening around me. Not wanting to be a part of it. Society is as healthy as the individuals that comprise it. They are many things in our society I can criticize. Since I can't go with the flow, I avoid the stream all together. And yes, I do feel happier for it. That may sound high and mighty. But I've avoided many of the stresses others cant seem to. Stress kills.
Well, once again I've gone on longer than I should. I just wanted you to know you're not the only one, others can relate, and things will get better.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

[hedgehog]

Thank you so much for replying; your post helped me a lot! It's so good to know that I'm not the only one, and a few of the things you described I experience as well. And don't you know, I was just randomly IMing some people with interesting profiles at AOL, and I met this really nice girl there who also has some troubles with socializing and depression. I think we're gonna be good friends; when I was talking to her I felt more happy than I have in weeks! It's always a lot easier for me to make online friends, and once I meet the right person, I'm talkative and we even get down to some important (and secret) emotional stuff as well. I could never do that with a "real" person, except if we had had good talks on the IM or through emails before.
I also thought some more, and I decided that a lot of the time I only want to go out to meet people's expectations, because they think it's "normal" that young people should go out and have fun. I have fun with myself when I'm at home reading or playing around with my computer, and I'm not even lonely when I have online friends to talk to. People just don't understand, and my mom always pressures me about going out, sometimes to the point that I lie and say that I've done this or that, so as not to disappoint her, or make her worry. Sometimes I go to the movies by myself, and I really don't mind so much, only I feel really self-conscious about people at the theater because I think about what they think that I show up there all alone. I always have the problem that I want people to think well of me and like me, strangers or not, which is why I had some bad experiences with "friends" who just used me in the past.
But I realize that this post is getting way too long! If anyone wants to talk outside of this forum, by email, AIM or MSN messenger, you can email me or send me a Private Message! Thanks!

[umotard]

Boyfriends. Those things suck! lol Trust me, he's new and exciting. He'll get old. All my friends have had boyfriends and I swear I've hated them all. Some with better reason than others. As for groups. Me too, I more of a one on one kind of person. I don't think that there is anything wrong with that, personally it helps me to be 10X better a friend to someone than the average joe. The con, as you have said: not too many people go for that. What college do you go to? Maybe there is a group that you could get into that has the same interests that you do. Personally, I prefer the paintball club. Or maybe it doesn't have to be through school. You like church, get more involved. Something I know for me that will help me to make more friends with my same interests is police explorers. And don't forget that they don't have to be the one to invite you first. Get ten of them together and say hey, let's go to Six Flags (or whatever theme park you have by you). Just because you are in a group doesn't mean that you have to entertain all of them by yourself at one time. Don't worry, they can entertain themselves. Focus on hanging with one at a time. That way you have one on one time with each one of them and they see what a great person you can really be. Or, do something out of the norm. Find a college party and go (be careful though, them things can get pretty wild). But step out. Maybe you'll find this easier to do with strangers because they don't know your personality and you don't have to see any of them again if you don't feel like it.

People know a little about everything and alot about nothing.