Bum of a Boyfriend

My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years. We have a 7 month old baby boy. After I had the baby, he talked me into quitting my job as a graphic artist to stay home with the baby. Since then he has been unemployed off and on and has started drinking heavily. We never talk anymore, all we do is fight. We can't even pay the bills anymore, he spends most of his paycheck at the bar. I have become more and more depressed, and want to leave him, but have no income or savings now, and am in debt due to his spending habits. How can I pick up and start over?

you have a responsibility to your child to provide a healthy male role model for him to learn from. and you don't have much time

you're in my prayers <3

It's so much easier to answer that question on the outside looking in.
Larks

oh wow
I can't choose that for you, I think you need to find a job asap! *hugs*

((((((((((((((((((((kimberly)))))))))))))))))))))))

i don't think that's an easy poll question. whatever i decided to do, i would work on emotionally feeling better and getting a job ASAP. i know you're planning on seeing a t ASAP. I'd add a job to that too...only if you feel like you can at this point.

when you start feeling like there's hope somewhere, you'll know exactly what you need to do. no wonder you're having such a hard time right now, (((((((((((((kimberly))))))))))) you're an awesome person and you and your child deserve the best that life has to offer

be safe,

let us know?

kimmydawn

Monetarily - close any joint accounts so that he does not indebt you further. It's hard if he has you in credit debt - when I left my X I went to the bank and told them the situation, and had to pay off the credit card before I could get my name off of it... he kept the stuff, I paid for it. But at least I don't have bad credit now. Explain what has happened to someone at the bank, and they may be able to help you work out some kind of payment plan with less interest, and maybe even make sure that the boyfriend pays his share. Watch your back with the bank while that guy is taking advantage of you, he might not want to let a good thing go so easily.
Once you have work (Which is understandably hard with a seven-month-old, and while depressed), or at least some kind of money coming in (don't be afraid to ask for help, most people have to at some point in their lives) things will look a lot brighter.
I think talking to a counselor would be really helpful for you at this point, not only to talk about the emotional repercussions of your relationship with this guy, but also to make a plan for your future. You'll feel better when you've got steps laid out for you, it will take a lot of stress off.
Be strong, lady. We're all hoping for the best for you and your little boy. You can do it!

Hi, Montana,
My husband is an alcoholic. I'm not going to answer your survey, because it honestly would not be good for you for me to do so. The disease is insidious, but there are groups that can help you learn how to deal - or not deal with the disease as a family memember. They are Alanon Groups.

Leaving your boyfriend honestly is something that you have to come to yourself. . .only you can answer that question, and in doing so be ready to do what you choose to do. If I answer it for you, and you do it, then you can't take the credit, nor the responsibility for the choice. But if you make the decision for yourself, then you will be taking care of yourself one way or the other, a much healthier thing for you to do.

I will say that there is only a 16 to 30% chance of his gaining recovery and staying there.
I will also say that alcoholics that have a supportive family have a better chance of recovery, not much, but better - especially if the family gets into recovery themselves.

With that said, I have a move out date of the last day in Feb. He has agreed to go to AA. But from past experience, the delusions sets in after two days of recovery and it becomes a commitment he NEVER chose to do.

So we'll see.

Beth

I agree completely with bethanaTN. You have to chose that decision, but perhaps we can help you to that decision.

You may want to consider making a pro/con list: Leaving vs. Staying. This will give you a clear view (as long as your honest) of what will happen either way.

You may also consider going to counseling for information and even just a soundingboard. You need to figure out why you're staying there. Is it because you are afraid to start over? Is it because you're afraid to be without a man in your life? What is the reason (any reason being ok, as long as it's true) and try to work through that.

Another important thing to consider is your support system. Do you have family/friends that could help you? Whether it be baby-sitting or lending a room until you can find a job to pay for a place to live? Don't be afraid to rely on them.

This is a decision you should make on your own - and I know you can do it!

Dear Montana --

1. Only you can decide whether to leave or stay.

2. Cut off the credit cards and any other sources of co-debt.

3. Get counseling and/or go to Al-Anon.

4. Start to set up plans for leaving: are there friends or family you can stay with during a transition? Can you get a job? Work from home? Graphic artists can make pretty good money in this date of the net and telecommuting.

I'm a long-term recovering alcoholic. I've heard so many people say that they got sober because they wanted to keep and get back their families. I was a single -- and honestly, I felt as if I had "nothing" to live for because I didn't have that support. However, in the end HE has to WANT to keep his family. HE has to come to that decision himself. Threatening that you will leave is unlikely to be enough. Especially if he's heard the threat many times before.

best wishes for making a better life for you and your baby.

Thank you all so much for your suggestions and support. I thought you might like an update...

We sat down and talked through things. We came to the mutual decision to end our relationship and just be friends. We will be room mates until we can afford to move out on our own.

We both finally came to realize the relationship has been over for a long time and that this decision is best for all of us.

Want to see pictures of our baby?
http://www.babababies.com/view/view.cfm?SiteID=12816

WOW, kimberly. that could not have worked out better!

more importantly, you sound better! did you ever get in with a t? are you planning to go back to work?

i know there will probably be grief for the relationship. even when it's for the best, there's a loss of hopes and dreams. allow yourself you grieve when the time comes. it's part of moving forward

it's so good to hear you sound so hopeful

be safe and keep us posted please.

kd

Thanks for sharing with us, Kimberly, both the update the baby photos. Lovely.

Best wishes as you create your new life in the new year. And do keep coming back if we can be of support -- or just to chat and share!

Kimberly!
All of the best for your new life. Things tend to work out once we take the first step.
Lovely baby boy!
Keep well

Good to hear that things are amicable. All for the best. Best of luck to you in your next steps!

So the room mate thing is kind of harder than I thought it would be, but I'm looking for a job, and have an appt. to meet a psychotherapist on the 11th. Hopefully it will all work out. It's kind of scary being single again... Thank you all for you advice and support, I'll keep you posted!