[itsjustme111]

I have not been feeling well at all lately. An old friend of mine has been calling alot and I had this unrealistic thought that maybe we could mend some old wounds and start fresh.

This friend is moving right now and I know how busy she has been. I offered her to come for supper on Saturday, her son as well. He is 11yrs old and to say it politely; A TYRANT!!

He has obvious reasons for his behavior as his mom has tons of issues. She just got him back not too long ago as he was removed from her home from drug and alcohol issues. Her daughter is 13 and has not lived with her for about 10yrs as she was taking as well. But they still see each other, this weekend being one on those times. She is such a sweet heart, I really enjoy her.

So anyway, we used to be really close friends until I saw myself getting out of control with alcohol. As I was trying to fight for my kids I had to remove myself from temptation. This friend of mine tried anything to make life miserable for me and it took a long time to see this. I was hoping that she had changed----I WAS SO WRONG.

She ended up getting totally drunk at my house, talking with such vulgar language, I thought I was going to kick her out. She stayed over night as she invited herself and son to sleep over (she had to return her daughter for the evening until this morning). So I figured I was responsible in not allowing her to drive home and did not want anything to happen to them.

I was so stressed that I got this stomach pain I fell apart in tears. She asked what was wrong but too soon made a remark about me not eating much. That was not the problem!!! She did not lift a finger all night. I ran after the kids--literally. Her son was disrespectful, hitting, swearing, arguing etc....

It was 3:30am and I could not take it anymore. I phoned my bf with pathetic sobbing. Between the stress, being tired beyond words, my stomach pain, and complete anger.... I was going to blow!!! Finally at 4am I went upstairs and left her down on the couch. She was going on for 2 hrs about this guy she is having an affair with. I was sooooo angry. She wanted a consent from me that this is okay what she is doing to the poor man she is going to marry!!! HOW SICK IS THAT!!! (HEHE, opps I hit enter) sry.

Anyway, I really got sick of hearing how she is willing to take the risk to cheat as she is attracted to this other guy. This is the same person she used to be and I am not interested in this bull what-so-ever.

Her son was still acting up at 4am, and I was still trying to deal with him. She passed out!!! We barely ever drink for reasons that I used to have a problem with it. I would die if I drank like that at this point in my health. She brought her "stuff over". I should have said no but honestly did not realize she would do this. BUT IT DID NOT END HERE!!!

She was supposed to pick up her daughter at 9:30 this morning. I got up at 9 and got into the bath. She woke up and did not leave till 10:30. She only got to see her daughter till 2pm today. So she only saw her for a short time. She asked me if I would mind letting her leave her son here until she got her daughter. Well she left at 10:30 and did not call me until 12:30. She asked me to meet her and bring her son to the mall. I was so ticked as my kids were trying to get ready as their dad was taking them for a few hours today. I was rushing around getting them ready and dealing with her kid to boot. It did not go well to say the least. As soon as my childrens dad came my bf and I took her son to his mother. We left, got into the car, and it was total break down. I cried for about 10mins.

We ended up going shopping which was really great. It took me away from what had just happened. But now she just called me----its 12:30am. The phone woke one of my kids. I am so maddddddd.

Justy

[MontanaKimberly]

Perhaps you should distance yourself from this person, as you do not need her negativity in your life right now. Hang in there, you're a strong person and it shows. Best of luck.

[allautumn]

Yuck! I know what it's like to have a "friend" try to get approval for their bad behaviour. Using you to make her self feel better about what she's doing is low. She's taking advantage of your kindness, overstaying her welcome and drinking with you when she knows that makes things hard for you. You don't need people like that in your life - nobody does. But especially right now when you've got your own stuff to deal with, don't feel guilty for stepping away from this woman. She's not your problem. I'm sorry that she didn't grow, as you had hoped for her. You were let down when you saw that she hadn't changed a bit, and that hurts. You gave her the benefit of the doubt, you don't owe her more.

[itsjustme111]

Thanks Montana and allautumn. Yes I am going to distance myself as this to me is not a friendship.

I feel guilty today as in this post I showed anger towards her son. When I think about what that boy has endured in his life its not a mystery to why he behaves the way he does. I feel bad for him. He was taken from her almost 2 yrs ago and was doing well in the foster home. They wanted to adopt him but she fought it. She had considered adopting him to this family and to tell you all the truth (I was hoping she would have). Not to be mean but he was doing so well in school and his behaviors has improved dramatically. In my mind I felt that he would have more stability and a real chance to get on track. Since she has had him back he has really gone "down hill". He is only at a grade 2 level and is 11yrs old. This boy has the potential to do well but with her I can't help but worry for him.

Looking back at this post I wondered if it seemed like I am blaming her for my behavior when we were friends a long time ago. I hope it did not seem this way. I make my own choices and when I decided to pull back from her is because of the temptations of drinking. I know in AA they stressed the fact that its sometimes needed to find different friendships that don't involve alcohol. But it was not just this. So many more issues stemed from this friendship. For me the things that she was invovled with was not what I wanted in life.

I have to say I am feeling sad about giving myself hope for a friendship that I need so bad right now. I don't have any close friends that live here. I think feeling lonely is part of all this. But this kind of friendship is unhealthy and I don't want it. I have to step away from this or it will just bring me down even more.

Justy

[silver_queen]

(((((justy)))))

To me, it seemed perfectly clear that you distanced yourself from her because you did not want to be influenced by her drinking; and a good idea that was too. I'm sorry she caused so much upset to you and your household, but it is none of your fault. Yes, you were angry with the boy yesterday, but that was natural under the circumstances. Today, now that you are calmer, you can look back on this and pick on yourself for things you did and did not do. However, I think that the way you behaved in the circumstances is understandable and I would probably have behaved in a similar way.
I understand your need for a firm real-life friendship, but I can't see how a friendship with her would do you any good. Is it possible for you to buy yourself a pet and get loved and companionship from that?

[itsjustme111]

AAWWWWW, how cute are they!!! I do love animals as well. We have a dog, a really big dog; lolol. He is great!! He was a handful when we got him but he has calmed down.

We adopted our doggie from the SPCA. He was abused in his prior home and it took about 3 months to get him settled. He is wonderful now. He does not mess in the house anymore and we can leave him in the house alone without him on destroy mode; lolol. We also have a hampster. He is soooooo cuddly and soft. He loves to cuddle up in my hands. I put him in my hands and lay him close to my face. He loves the warmth of my breathing (as wierd as that may sound). I can put that little guy to sleep even when he wants to run around. He feels like silk and I adore feeling his fur on my cheeks. He is a fat little thing though; lolol. I tried to buy him the tubing to run through---he got stuck; lololol. Just the type of hampster we bought.

I realize looking back at this weekend I could not forsee this happening. I think I did well in maintaining my temper. I was not about to freak with all the kids here. My kids were upset enough so for me to heighten this would not have been helpful. I feel bad for them being placed in this situation but they are okay. My son has a couple of "war wounds" which I think made me the angriest. I have worked hard in teaching my son not to be violent. He used to be sooo agressive and it took so much work on his part to learn how to deal with things apropriately. He does get aggressive at times but nothing near what he was like before. He is a wonderful young boy and is really sensitive. He had many tears while this other kid was here and I had a hard time keeping myself in check. I think most parents are like that when their kids are getting hurt. But I am concerned with the use of language from this boy and his mother. My son repeats things that he hears and I am worried about this. He is already struggling at school and if he uses this type of profanity at school he will get suspened. My little guy has a tough enough time with his ADHD in getting himself into doodoo. He tends to be a follower which can get him into trouble at times. We all have to be careful what we say around him even if we are joking. He takes things so seriously. Someone could make a simple joke and he will follow through with it. EG, (my ex husband used to let our kids watch horror movies and my son tried to copy what he saw. I ended up getting cut with a knife as my son tried to stab me.) I had attempted to grab the knife and got sliced in between my fingers. When I asked him what the heck he was thinking he referred back to this particular movie he had seen. Needless to say I had to lock up anything sharp in our home. He does what he see's not realizing how serious it can be. This incident was a long time ago and my son has come so far. But I still have to lock up things as he tends to harm himself when he is upset or feeling extemely hyper.

Anyway my point to this was my son acts up when things like this happens. It makes me worry about whats going on in his head. I would never forgive myself if something happened to him.

But this woman is not worth hanging around with. Its not a friendship at all. I just am not sure how to say this to her without hurting her. I don't like to hurt others and am not sure how to put this delicately. hmmmmm.

Thanks silver!!! I really appreciate all the feedback, I am at a loss with this.

Justy

I definitely think that distancing yourself from her is the answer. I wouldn't allow anymore "sleepovers" and would be polite but firm when she asks you to do things.....much luck to you....Pat

[roxxy]

I befriended a girl like that. She was unreal! She used to impose on me the same way. Coming over with her 5 year old daughter for dinner one night. Then asking me to drive her for smokes and then talking me into going for one drink which of course turned in to many! Meanwhile leaving her daughter asleep on the couch, my kids in their beds and my hubby sleeping too.
I couldn't get her to leave the bar! Then she picks up this guy and and asked if we could drive him home. I reluctantly agreed. Then she wanted me to leave her with him and leave her daughter at my house!!!!!!!! UGH!! I couldn't believe this chick! Finally, I got her to come with me and when we came back in my hubby was sitting on the couch with her daughter madder than hell! I didn't blame him!
Soon after that she called me and wanted a ride to the airport! I said I'll be right there and I was never so glad to get rid of someone in my LIFE! She moved back with her old BF.

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But this woman is not worth hanging around with. Its not a friendship at all. I just am not sure how to say this to her without hurting her. I don't like to hurt others and am not sure how to put this delicately.

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Don't say anything just make yourself unavailable. Get yourself involved in something that keeps you occupied. You simply don't have time.
Just keep saying no. Have a list of things you are doing next to the phone that way you wont have to think of excuses. And if that doesn't work pass the buck and say your BF wont let you hang with her.

[Myzen]

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Yuck! I know what it's like to have a "friend" try to get approval for their bad behaviour. Using you to make her self feel better about what she's doing is low. She's taking advantage of your kindness, overstaying her welcome and drinking with you when she knows that makes things hard for you. You don't need people like that in your life - nobody does. But especially right now when you've got your own stuff to deal with, don't feel guilty for stepping away from this woman. She's not your problem. I'm sorry that she didn't grow, as you had hoped for her. You were let down when you saw that she hadn't changed a bit, and that hurts. You gave her the benefit of the doubt, you don't owe her more.

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Yes, I know the story too. You have summed it up exactly, allautumn.

Cheers, Myzen

[itsjustme111]

Thanks so much everyone. I know you are all sooo right!!!

She phoned today and left a message wanting me to go shopping with her. I did not phone back nor do I intend to.

My hopes were that I would have a friend that lived close by. But friends are not this way are they?

Justy

[Wants2Fly]

Dear Justy --

This woman is not offering friendship. She is a user and abuser. She doesn't respect herself, so how can she respect you or anyone else?

I had a "friend" who started an affair with a former flame at HER WEDDING to another man. She started using me as the "beard" for her outings. When I objected, she said that she understood that some people were "not open minded" about these things.

What I got out of this was that -- if this was how she would treat the man she had sworn to love and treasure forever, in front of a church full of people at a very fancy wedding -- then how could I, a mere "friend," expect any better treatment from her? And after I got that, I got out of the relationship, by being nonresponsive.