[turquoisesea]

I was just wondering what experiences people have had with intimate loved ones and depression.

I know I hurt my bf without meaning to. He understands that I'm not trying to hurt him... but he's been there at my very worst times. Even just seeing me so far down is no good. I have so little control when I'm down...I hate to hurt him... but I often do it anyways when I'm depressed.

So I guess I'm just asking what people have experienced... what people have learned...

[BlueFaith]

I've been with my husband for almost 11 years... married for 9 of those. So, he's seen me a my absolute worst. But, the good thing is that he's also seen me at my best. We've learned together that the bad times aren't going to last forever, and that the best of me will shine through again eventually. I've hurt not only him but others in my life as well when I was very down. I'm learning how to control myself better even when I am at my low points. It's hard. But, just knowing in the back of my head that the bad feelings won't last forever make it a little easier for me. He understands that a lot of what I say to him when I'm down is out of pure desperation to just feel better somehow. It doesn't make me feel good to know I've hurt him. But, I have to let myself understand that I've said things out of the pain and hurt I was feeling at the time and didn't necessarily mean things the way they came out. He understnads this, too. Still, I am trying to learn from my mistakes. I'm a work in progress. I think we all are in one way or another.

[Capp]

Powerful and wise reply Mental Pollution!

TS, there's not much I could add to it except this--the other side of that is perhaps the times your BF has hurt you. Usually not with intent, but still hurtful words or actions.
It's been my own experience that there are times when I've taken the blame, so to speak, whenever there has been trouble between myself and my SO...and I'm very quick to do it.
Later when we talk about it, he'll take responsibility for his actions and apologize to me. He has been honest with me that there are times when he is tired, etc. and will "egg me on."

Today is our anniversary, we've been together as long as many members here have been alive!
If nothing else, I've learned it is truly give and take...
Have you heard the old saying that marriage/relationships should be 50-50? Lol--forget it. Sometimes it's 90-10, 12-88, or any other percentage...and it may stay that way for awhile.
It doesn't mean it's good or bad--it just is.

As long as y'all are communicating with gentleness and honesty, the relationship is strong (jmo)

Cap

[turquoisesea]

MentalPollution, it means a lot that your relationship has lasted so long. You're right, its good to keep in mind that the bad doesn't last forever. It's easy for me to lose sight of that; when I'm way down I often say things like "I'll never get better", "I'll only get worse"... I'll try to remember that, and my bf has also said what you said... that yes he sees me when I'm down but also, even though that's part of me, that's not ME.

Cap, what you said:
"Have you heard the old saying that marriage/relationships should be 50-50? Lol--forget it. Sometimes it's 90-10, 12-88, or any other percentage...and it may stay that way for awhile.
It doesn't mean it's good or bad--it just is."
means alot... I worry so much that i'm not giving back enough to him. Have you had experiences where the relationship is that uneven? ... it worries me so much when it gets that way... I want to give back but there's so many times right now that I just can't
It does make me think though, that I'm not being realistic, and allowing the give and take of the relationship to happen without feeling bad about it

Thanks so much MP and Capp

The good part, I do think my relationship with my bf is very based on honesty, and we both try at least to help the other as much as we can. It's just that I feel that I'm giving so little back right now, and adding so much trouble to our relationship.

[Capp]

TS, you are being far too hard on yourself...

Yes, there are times when my own relationship has stayed at a 70-30...but it's been even between us. There are times when my SO needs it, others when I need it.
It all balances out, believe me, so don't be afraid of it.
You are right about being realistic...life is not a set of rules chiseled in stone with no deviations allowed for any reason.

Sweetie--forgive me if that offends you!--but you are giving what you can and that is all right. Giving what you can does not mean it is lacking or that there is something wrong with you. And, you are most likely giving more than you feel--your concern is a gift in a way. It shows that you care. Please don't fall into that trap of comparing what you are doing and what you think you should be doing--ya can't win that bit of chasing your tail!
--I know because I've tried it...lol

Adding trouble to your relationship? We all add some type of trouble over time...our partners are not perfect, are they? We will do our best to help them, but we don't pound them with guilt or shame, do we?
Why do it to yourself when you are in need of a bit more TLC?

FedEx your guilt to me along with the bat you are using to beat yourself...

Cap

[ncguynva]

I hate to be the bad apple in the bunch but by the time my wife and I found out she was depressed, she had hurt me big time by cheating on me. I have accepted what she has done and forgiven her, but now she is totally different. I looked around on the internet (i know not the most reliable source but its something) and the symptoms fit her all too well for Histrionic Personality Disorder. I am in the military and serving in Iraq right now and found out she lied to me AGAIN about going out with a neighbor some weeks ago. Now I cannot trust her at all. I love the woman, or should I say, I love the woman underneath the HPD, and I know she is there, but so little comes out after it gets through the HPD that it wasnt enough to keep me going. Now I am using my time here in Iraq as the seperation and unless a miracle happens, she and I will no longer be married when I get home.
Sorry guys...

[BlueFaith]

I agree with Capp about the relationship not always being 50-50. That's absolutely right! You just have to take things as they come and figure out what works best for the both of you. That doesn't mean we can't take something from our situations in the realtionship and learn more about ourselves from them. But, those times are going to be there. I've had times where I felt like I was giving absolutely NOTHING... nada. zero. He was all that was keeping the union alive, I felt.. But, then also, there were times when that shoe was on the other foot. All of us have our issues in life... not just the ones who suffer from depression..or any other illness. Like Capp said, it will be even between the 2 of you... whether it be 70-30 or 50-50.

[Capp]

ncguynva, no apology necessary!
everyone's situation is different, and you are talking about something that is serious in a way that is above what we are talking about in general.
Adultery is not a part of what we are sharing about our relationships...

I am so sorry that you are going through such a rotten time, ncguynva. Do whatever you need to do in order to have a marriage of trust and love...
Jmo, but you've given it plenty of time and chances to work out. Sometimes it just won't no matter what ya do.
It's no reflection on you but one on her...
I'm sorry for the disappointment and grief this is causing you.

Cap

[turquoisesea]

ncguynva, I agree with Capp, there is no apology necessary or needed in any way. That sounds like such a horrible situation to be in *hugs*
Cheating is just a horrible thing... I don't think I ever could. I'm so sorry it has happened to you.
And I hope I'm not loosing so much of myself, and I wish you well in everything that happens. It must be hard even being so far away.

Cap - you're probably right that I'm being too hard on myself. Nothing of what you said offends me in any way. I needed to hear what you had to say There HAVE been times I have been hurt by some of his actions (he never meant to hurt but it can happen), and I do end up feeling bad for that and blaming myself. It's part of the beast, I suppose. I put so much guilt on myself that it's only natural for that to come into a relationship, where it should instead be about trust, understanding, and genuinely caring about the other person. I guess I do most of that - sometimes I clam up too much, sometimes because of the depression I try to get away or hurt him. I guess, I try as much as I can and that's what I can do.

MentalPollution, it does feel like sometimes he's keeping not only the relationship afloat but ME afloat... like he's something to hold onto in the middle of a tornado. I hope I can do the same for him sometime.

everyone, I'm going to try to keep going... and try to take of the relationship as best I can. the thing going for us is our honesty. I'll keep talking to him, and try not to hurt him. And when I do, I can talk to him about it. He understands. I guess right now, I have to try to take care of me so that I can take care of other things - like the relationship, him, my friends. Someone send me a lifeboat!
Thanks everyone
What everyone has said means a lot to me

[ncguynva]

Best of luck to you (didnt mean to get all this attention guys sorry if it seemed like i was stealing the thread)

[Capp]

ncguynva!
ya didn't steal the thread--you added good and honest thoughts.
we need a variety of input if we are to stretch our minds and learn...I don't know about anyone else, but I don't like my thinking to stay in a box

Cap

[turquoisesea]

Don't worry about it at all ncguynva, the threads are for everyone and it's not like I got ANY less out of this thread

hope all goes well with you

[keith mayfield]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

i was just wondering what experiences people have had with intimate loved ones and depression.

I know i hurt my bf without meaning to. He understands that i'm not trying to hurt him... But he's been there at my very worst times. Even just seeing me so far down is no good. I have so little control when i'm down...i hate to hurt him... But i often do it anyways when i'm depressed.

So i guess i'm just asking what people have experienced... What people have learned...

i sorta know what youre going thru