[maymie]

Well my mom and I aren't getting along at all. I'm sure you all are tired of hearing about it. But I'm in need of help, opinions or whatever. She drives me crazy. If I disagree with her than she reminds me she is helping me pay for stuff. If I don't do something she wants me to do then she reminds me that she is helping me pay for stuff. Like the other day..she asked me a question and I answered her. I don't think I was mean but I did answer and it wasn't what she wanted to hear and then she says "well I'd think you'd agree with me. I am helping you pay for stuff." Yes, she helps me but for two reasons:1) she's really all I have, I don't have grandparents and my dad is no use and 2) because she makes sure I need her help. There are a couple of bills that are for me but she keeps them from me and so she pays for them and I don't see the bill. She knows I don't know how much the bill was or that I didn't see it. She does it because she wants to have that bill over my head. So later on she can say hey you better agree with me or you better not talk about moving out or whatever because I paid for this bill and that bill. But how do I pay for a bill I never see. Thats the issue I have about school I need my tuition paid but I don't want her to be able to hold that above my head like everything else. Then there is the surgery that I really need. Its nothig major but its cosmetic issues and problems me, yet again its not major. The surgery was and I guess is going to be my birthday/christmas present from her but yet again, I hate to have her pay for it because its one more thing over my head. People say why would she hold it over your head when its a christmas and birthday present but my mom will. Don't disagree, don't put me second, don't leave me, don't forget to check in, don't talk about moving out because I paid for this or that.
I'm at a loss and I need help. I don't know what to do. I really want the surgery and think it will help me but I don't want her to be able to have it above my head. Please help.
I will post about the surgery I'm talking about in the womens issue room as I'm kind of embarrassed to go into detail here about it. I know thats probably childish but still.

[Lenny]

Hi maymie...

This sounds like the never ending argument. There is no winner because each has their own rights to being right...You both need each other,,,but for very different reasons...but maybe not so different...

How about going to the drug store,,,my favorite place there,,,the card isle...should have bought stock in Hallmark after all the cards I buy from them...

Pick a good one,,one she would really appreciate and one which could only come from you...

And inside...put pretty much all that you just posted...spruce it up a bit with some reasons you Love her,,which I'm sure you do...and give it to her...

You might be surprised what Truth delivered in such a way can do...

With care,

Lenny

[maymie]

Lenny, I've tred that. And things are still bad. It didn't change anything. I've done that several times as well as trying to talk to her and it was no use.

Originally Posted by Lenny

Hi maymie...

This sounds like the never ending argument. There is no winner because each has their own rights to being right...You both need each other,,,but for very different reasons...but maybe not so different...

How about going to the drug store,,,my favorite place there,,,the card isle...should have bought stock in Hallmark after all the cards I buy from them...

Pick a good one,,one she would really appreciate and one which could only come from you...

And inside...put pretty much all that you just posted...spruce it up a bit with some reasons you Love her,,which I'm sure you do...and give it to her...

You might be surprised what Truth delivered in such a way can do...

With care,

Lenny

[Lenny]

Okay.

Good for you on trying.

Well then,,if she is using her help as a tool to control you and ther is nothing you can do to change her view of "help'...

Then you either change how you view her methods,,or you stop taking her help.

That may not be what you would like to hear,,but unfortuanley we have little control over other people and some over ourselves...

I hope you find a way..

We are here,

Lenny

[seeker1950]

Hi, Maymie, I don't know you, so I am going to ask some questions.
How old are you? Are you in college or some kind of school? Do you have a job?
It sounds like you are a student, maybe still living at home, with tuition expenses.
Unfortunately, for some, this is a time when you are still somewhat dependent upon parents for support. Parents differ in the way they handle this. Some give their kids carte blanche with money, letting them choose where to live, and paying all the bills. It sounds like your mother does not fit into this category.
I want to hear more from you about your situation before further commenting. I DO have strong feelings about this.
Patty

[madisgram]

hi maymie,
i read what you wrote (and also lenny). sorry you are having problems with your mom. i have to agree with lenny, you can't change your mom's approach to things or who she is.
HOWEVER, you can approach her differently on this painful topic.
you might ask her if you could see your bills even tho she is paying for them. like, "i'm interested in knowing how much i owe on that. ..and mom, i do appreciate your helping me with this."
can you approach your mom about how her comments make you feel? if you are willing to make a go of it, you might tell her that it's difficult to rely on someone else and when she says those things it makes you feel....well you can put in the answer to that. if we talk about how we feel, rather than blaming (not suggesting you do the blaming), sometimes the listener listens to what we are saying because they do not feeling threatened by the discussion. this usually requires a person to pause when we express how we feel.
another thought is since your mom is commenting so much about what she is paying for, you could ask her if this creates a burden on her financially and if so, how could you help? you might not be able to help out but it shows her that you are concerned. (you may feel a little hypocritical here but she doesn't know what you've posted to us.) maybe she just needs a big fuss made over her cause she's stressed or something.
there's an old saying that "you get more bees with honey than you do vinegar." trying that "sweet" approach might open up the door to a healthy discussion.
as for her response "well I'd think you'd agree with me. I am helping you pay for stuff." well you're entitled to your own opinions to things! it sounds like she feels she can control you cause she helps you. just for the record in my book, that does not give anyone license to hold stuff over people's heads.
you can't change her but hopefully you can try a new approach to this real dilemma with your mom. if nothing else it offers you some self dignity. you deserve that.

[maymie]

Thank you for your opinions but I'll figure something else out. I've already tried this as I said to lenny and it hasn't worked. She does know what I've posted as I've expressed myself to her many times with no luck. I'll figure something else out.

Originally Posted by madisgram

hi maymie,
i read what you wrote (and also lenny). sorry you are having problems with your mom. i have to agree with lenny, you can't change your mom's approach to things or who she is.
HOWEVER, you can approach her differently on this painful topic.
you might ask her if you could see your bills even tho she is paying for them. like, "i'm interested in knowing how much i owe on that. ..and mom, i do appreciate your helping me with this."
can you approach your mom about how her comments make you feel? if you are willing to make a go of it, you might tell her that it's difficult to rely on someone else and when she says those things it makes you feel....well you can put in the answer to that. if we talk about how we feel, rather than blaming (not suggesting you do the blaming), sometimes the listener listens to what we are saying because they do not feeling threatened by the discussion. this usually requires a person to pause when we express how we feel.
another thought is since your mom is commenting so much about what she is paying for, you could ask her if this creates a burden on her financially and if so, how could you help? you might not be able to help out but it shows her that you are concerned. (you may feel a little hypocritical here but she doesn't know what you've posted to us.) maybe she just needs a big fuss made over her cause she's stressed or something.
there's an old saying that "you get more bees with honey than you do vinegar." trying that "sweet" approach might open up the door to a healthy discussion.
as for her response "well I'd think you'd agree with me. I am helping you pay for stuff." well you're entitled to your own opinions to things! it sounds like she feels she can control you cause she helps you. just for the record in my book, that does not give anyone license to hold stuff over people's heads.
you can't change her but hopefully you can try a new approach to this real dilemma with your mom. if nothing else it offers you some self dignity. you deserve that.

[maymie]

I will figure something out. about what to do. Thanks for your comment but I'll figure it out on my own.

Originally Posted by seeker1950

Hi, Maymie, I don't know you, so I am going to ask some questions.
How old are you? Are you in college or some kind of school? Do you have a job?
It sounds like you are a student, maybe still living at home, with tuition expenses.
Unfortunately, for some, this is a time when you are still somewhat dependent upon parents for support. Parents differ in the way they handle this. Some give their kids carte blanche with money, letting them choose where to live, and paying all the bills. It sounds like your mother does not fit into this category.
I want to hear more from you about your situation before further commenting. I DO have strong feelings about this.
Patty