[desertnurse1977]

I haven't posted on here in quite some time - and I just recently hit the chat rooms for the first time in many many months this week.

My wife and I have been going through some very rough times as of late (you can follow my posts by going through my profile if you would like) and it finally got to the point of us separating a couple weeks ago.

My wife has been suffering from some high anxiety and depression coupled with what I feel is mania (to better explain it she just invests every ounce of herself into whatever the situation is regardless of how it will turn out beforehand)

I have found several times where she has been communicating with another guy (the same one for quite some time) and has been sending him very provocative pictures of herself to him, and him likewise. I cant say I was happy about it - but it did really do a number to my esteem and how I felt about the relationship. After each time (three in all) I would confront her about it - and she said she would stop talking to him.

We've had a number of very heated arguments about it - some have been very ugly. She tells me it's all in my head and I need to get over it. Honestly statements like that are slightly confusing - I feel as if i am over reacting after she says something like that. But I am SOOOOO upset about it still.

Now all I have left if anger, confusion, and pain. I have moved out of the house and she is begging me to come back - telling me she will change everything if I want her to to prove how she will dedicate herself to the marriage. It'd a barrage of texts, phone calls, and letters - and I can say it's slightly overwhelming.

The therpaist (who we have been seeing or quite some time now) says a break may be best for us. What's worse is that every time we go in there I am so upset about having to explain how I feel about this as I feel I have to explain myself over and over again about all of it.

And even more so - there are two kids involved (hers from a previous marriage) which honestly just breaks my heart that I have let be subject to her mood swings. Her ex is no better being involved in drugs and may legal offenses.

I guess all I can say is that emotionally I feel completely assaulted and lost. It's nice to be in a separate place where I can be myself for a bit. But I feel like I am abandoning something to which I am holding the keys to. If i move she will loose her house, medical insurance, and many other things.

Sigh.

[Typo]

((((((((((Desert))))))))))

I am sorry you are going through all of this, I wish I had advice on this, but all I can do is offer my support and let you know I am always here if you want to talk.
Things will work out, one way or another. Please be kind to yourself while all of this is going on. Always here for you.

[_Katie_]

Originally Posted by desertnurse1977

I haven't posted on here in quite some time - and I just recently hit the chat rooms for the first time in many many months this week.

My wife and I have been going through some very rough times as of late (you can follow my posts by going through my profile if you would like) and it finally got to the point of us separating a couple weeks ago.

My wife has been suffering from some high anxiety and depression coupled with what I feel is mania (to better explain it she just invests every ounce of herself into whatever the situation is regardless of how it will turn out beforehand)

I have found several times where she has been communicating with another guy (the same one for quite some time) and has been sending him very provocative pictures of herself to him, and him likewise. I cant say I was happy about it - but it did really do a number to my esteem and how I felt about the relationship. After each time (three in all) I would confront her about it - and she said she would stop talking to him.

We've had a number of very heated arguments about it - some have been very ugly. She tells me it's all in my head and I need to get over it. Honestly statements like that are slightly confusing - I feel as if i am over reacting after she says something like that. But I am SOOOOO upset about it still.

Now all I have left if anger, confusion, and pain. I have moved out of the house and she is begging me to come back - telling me she will change everything if I want her to to prove how she will dedicate herself to the marriage. It'd a barrage of texts, phone calls, and letters - and I can say it's slightly overwhelming.

The therpaist (who we have been seeing or quite some time now) says a break may be best for us. What's worse is that every time we go in there I am so upset about having to explain how I feel about this as I feel I have to explain myself over and over again about all of it.

And even more so - there are two kids involved (hers from a previous marriage) which honestly just breaks my heart that I have let be subject to her mood swings. Her ex is no better being involved in drugs and may legal offenses.

I guess all I can say is that emotionally I feel completely assaulted and lost. It's nice to be in a separate place where I can be myself for a bit. But I feel like I am abandoning something to which I am holding the keys to. If i move she will loose her house, medical insurance, and many other things.

Sigh.

I have been there, done that....and its not easy way out.. sounds as if you still have feelings for her.. what type of feelings, only you know that.. But the most important thing here is the KIDS, please don't forget that....you have to do what is best for them, sounds like they have had a tough time also.. I have 3 girls.. and the guilt I felt, was unreal.. we are trying to work things out.. is she going thru menopause you think? maybe she needs some type of medication.. If you can work it out, it would be great, but that is a decision that only you can make.. Don't allow anyone else to make it for you.. Its easy for people to say just walk away and end it..and the results for everyone could be regretable, just remember that. If she is willing to work it out and change.. and is sincere about it....why not give her a chance? Love can over come all things, but people have to have change , they can't go back to the same situation they left.. things have to change.. its that simply if they are to be wored out.. And Im sure both of you have some things you need to change .. right?.. Well, I hope I have been a little help....Just remember the kids..

Best of wishes to you.....Katie

[chiz]

Its a bit of dilemma in your part. *sigh
But if you are to ask me, having a good break may be good for both of you. Then hopefully you can both talk on how to settle everything else after you have cooled down. Oh, its really hard to choose.

Just stay strong please. Never lose hope.
((((hugs))))

[Lenny]

Hi Desertnurse...and I'm sorrry for what you and your family are suffering with. It is hard..especially for the little ones...

Professional diplomats believe in time outs. When emotions take over the conversation little can be accomplished. And the time out has to be long enough for it to do its work,,keep that in mind.

Take some time to breath,,be cordial and suportive to her. Visit the children and let them know it is NOT their fault and you love them..seek some legal advice.

In a week or two,,when emotions calm a bit..meet your wife for a quiet dinner and walk. Talk about what has happened,,how you feel and ask her what she wants with regards to the marrage.

That conversation will be the beginning of what will follow. You don;t have to solve anything right this minute.

Keep us posted.

With Care,

Lenny

[Capp]

((DN))
Jmo, but I agree with Lenny...
Sometimes the best thing you can do for everyone involved is back off for a bit. Feeling overwhelmed with so many conflicting emotions is hard to say the least...
With so much happening, it would be hard to see things clearly.
Kids do need that reassurance they are not to blame, and that they are loved. Staying together with their mother, though, does not guarantee they will feel any better.
Your therapist should be able to guide you about it.

DN, you are entitled to your feelings...you are being honest and your confusion and anger need to be addressed and honored.
Trying to make you take all the blame or discounting your feelings can be a way of manipulating not only you, but also the situation so it benefits them
Perhaps tackle one thing at a time with the therapist might help...

Legal advice is something you likely need to find--a legal separation can protect the children as well as you while more permanent decisions are made about these things.

Please keep us posted...we care.

Cap

[allabout]

Hi DN,
I know you've been going through this for a long time. I haven't posted in this forum for a long time either, but when I first started to, yours was one of the stories I related to and followed closely. I have, unfortunately (I don't know when, but I hope someday I will be able to say "fortunately"), moved to the Divorce and Separation sub-forum, as that is where I belong now. For me, there is no more relationship to be communicating about. I remember when you were considering moving out for a time. Around that time, I was also thinking about what might be the best solution for me. I had met a lot of people who had been "separated for a year" and then got back together. I held on to that fantasy for about a day. Then something happened - it wasn't just "the last straw" it was more like the last giant redwood tree. Not only was my husband still engaging in the lies and deceit, to me, to the women he kept on seeking out and meeting online, and in person, and to our couples therapist, but when I caught him and called him on it in an open and honest way he told me he wasn't coming home. And he hasn't been home since. That was the 2nd day of school for my son - preschool - first school experience ever. That was 4 days before his 3 yr birthday.

I think that a separation for you is important. You have been beating yourself up over this for a long time. I read in so many posts here, that if someone truly wants to change, they can change. I don't suggest using it as a threat, but if your wife honestly wants to change because she knows how lucky she is to have you, then maybe she'll realize it and really do what she needs to do while you're away.

I agree with others that you should keep in touch with the kids. Don't let them feel abandoned. I know you won't. Give it some time, but be true to yourself, too. Give yourself a chance to see if you can be happy out of this situation, or if you believe this situation can improve. Sending hopeful thoughts your way. A.

[paperoses]

I hate this confusion over what to do. I tooi am trying to decide what to do about my 15 year marriage to a very self-centered man. We have tried so many things but always when we get close to the real issues he quits therapy or otherwise disengages.

I am glad you are away and maybe you can arrage for your wife to keep some of the things she needs, like health ins. She will need to pick up the slack for some things herself. I know that many of us are trying our best to balance financial needs with making the right decision about seperation/divorce and your decision sounds especially difficult. I wish you the best.