[ktbug]

So, my bf and I have been together for 2 and a half years. He has given me no reason to not trust him but yet I don't. We lived together and now he lives in Florida and i am in Ohio and moving down there after Christmas. So now we fight about it everyday. He wants me to tell him whats going on in my head that makes me this way. I think that I know what it is but have just recently been able to talk about it, on here only. I was molested when I was younger and I think that is root of my problems. I don't want to tell him this though but yet its to that point where he may break up with me. I love him with all my heart and he says that he is going to marry me but how do I know? I am afraid that he will leave me if I tell him. I know that I should see someone to talk about this but I don't have insurance and he knows this too. I don't know what to do. It's so hard, I know that I need to talk to him but I just can't.

[SpottedOwl]

((ktbug))

It can be really difficult to be vulnerable when we have trauma in our past. So, please be kind to yourself...it sounds like you are doing some hard internal work and it sounds like you're doing a good job with a very difficult situation.

Perhaps you can start off by talking to him in a general way. Like 'I had a very difficult childhood, and I am still working on understanding it all.' You do not have to share any details to begin with, just test the waters and slowly build trust. Take it one step at a time.

IMHO, openness and honesty is important for a good relationship. If he can't accept you, ALL of you, then he does not deserve to be your partner.

[theama]

ktbug, welcome to the paranoid-defensive-can't-trust-anybody-club!

If you've been together for 2 1/2 years, I suggest that you just tell him as it is. "I went through such and such, now I'm all messed up because of the trauma and I have a hard time trusting people (perhaps, especially men)".
I'm the exact same way, and everybody who experiences something traumatizing - beit abuse, cheating, drug problems whatever - will have a hard time trusting someone again.

It's normal; it's just a defense mechanism. It CAN go away by itself, but that takes a lot of time and frustration for your bf. The easiest (though not really) way to let your defenses down is by confronting your traumas and yourself. I mean REALLY confront them, not just say "I know this and this happened".
For me, it's been one trauma after the other from I was 2 years old till I was 19 - and they all kinda fueled my crazy-fire.

My current bf and I almost broke up because of the way I behaved, and I was forced to pick at my old wounds and find the root of it all.
When I figured it out, I told him everything - and since then, I've had NO problems trusting him. None! Defenses are down, the paranoia is practically gone, and I think I might be trusting him a bit TOO much lol.

Once you tell him everything, and you realize that he's still sitting by your side and isn't gonna go anywhere - it's easier to handle the trust-issues. If he's had to deal with you not trusting him for two years, it's safe to say that he's not gonna go anywhere and that he loves you very much.

But I do suggest that you see a psychologist and open up to him/her about this, you can be vague with your bf about it until you figure it out. In my opinion, I think he will appreciate that you're aware of your issues and that you're working on them. Cos being with someone who doesn't trust you is incredibly hard.

That you're aware of your issues is in itself progress! I didn't know that I had any trust issues until September this year!!! o.o

Best of luck! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or something. There are plenty of people on this forum who are just like you, you're not alone on this.

[Lenny]

I agree with all who offered you their support ktbug...

Please know that you do not need to carry shame for what has happened to you.

Don't let that event shroud you from any happiness...

Your building a secret...and from one you Love...If he Loves you and he probably does...he will be touched by you Trust in him..

I would tell him...its a risk,,but one well worth taking..

With Care,

Lenny

[ktbug]

The hardest part right now is that we are 1300 miles away. I don't know if I'd be more comfortable telling him on the phone or in person. The other thing is that it will be the first time I have ever told anyone, saying it aloud. Not that you all aren't great and supportive, there's just something different saying it. I really feel that I should tell my bf, but there's just something holding me back. Thanks theama! It sounds like you went through the same things I am going though and I am glad that I'm not the only one!!

[theama]

My man is also thousands of miles away. The only person that I had told all of my baggage to before him was a police officer.
Saying it out loud to my bf was.. was as if my soul had been purified. A ton literally lifted itself from my shoulders; cos I had been keeping all of that stuff inside me forever and simply just saying it out loud helped me so much.
Since we're so many miles apart, I had to do it by e-mail so "Out loud" isn't exactly correct, but you get the idea. It took me 10 hours to write that e-mail and as I was writing about the traumas, in detail, it was like I was forcing myself to confront what I had been trying to ignore for years.
I had never spoke to a therapist about it, I just wanted to lock it in a dark corner of my mind and pray that it would eventually go away by itself. That tactic never works though, you've gotta confront your traumas and release them.

I honestly suggest that you either write him a letter or an e-mail; don't worry about it not being personal and all that - as long as you're telling him about your traumas it WILL be personal and he will appreciate it. You could call him and say "I have something that I've needed to tell you for a long time, I just haven't had the guts, and it's so long and complicated that I figured it would be best to write it in an e-mail".
The reason why I want you to do it in writing is because it's uh... quite painful. I cried the whole time while I was writing it - 10 hours! And I had to force myself to keep going, and that in itself was therapeutic. My finger would be on the backspace key and my mind would tell me "delete this e-mail and forget all about it, this is a terrible idea" and I had to slap myself out of it and keep writing.

It's incredibly therapeutic to tell someone about it. I told my bf more than he needed to know, but I needed to get it out. I still go "why did I tell him that?!", but when it's allowed me to be honest and have more confidence in myself; it's totally worth it. And he trusts me so much more now - he had trust issues because I had mine, and he hates secrets and dishonesty so he really appreciated that I let everything out.
And letting everything out like that is in itself proof that you do trust the person.
Going through the traumas again made me understand it all, and I stopped blaming myself, and I discovered SO MUCH MORE about myself, my lack of sanity and the incidents, and I had to admit to myself that it wasn't my fault.. and that's a hard thing to do.

I know this is a long post, but I really cannot stress enough how AMAZING it felt to get it out. It was like I didn't even care about the consequences, I just wanted to laugh and run down the street shouting "I'M FREE!!!!!"; that's what it felt like! Freedom!

My advice:
Sit down, get comfortable, open Word and start typing; and write as if you're intending to send it to him. You don't have to send it to anyone though - not yet, you can stop writing whenever you feel like it and continue writing when you're ready again. Just do it as an experiment, and push yourself as far as your sanity will let you.
Once you're finished writing it, read it again, then delete it.
Writing it without sending it to anyone is therapeutic for you, because when you let things out like that it forces you to stop ignoring it; and nothing can heal if you pretend that it isn't there.
In my opinion, you should write the whole thing in one day - because if you do it over several days there's a big chance that you'll cave in to the urge to stop writing, and the effect you get from it won't be the same. It's an intensive self-help thing.

I wrote my first draft on my blog, and I published it and it was public for 1-2 days before I took it down. Then I spent two weeks thinking about everything, clearing up my head, putting the pieces together - and then I wrote the e-mail to him.. another 10 hours of crying. But like I said; I'm free now.

I know it's very Freudian, and it's not easy, but the prize is oh-so-worth-it!!

[ktbug]

Well guys, thanks for the support. I told him, in text messages because he wanted to know so bad even though I just wasn't ready. I really don't feel that much better, as I have so much fear that people will find out. He said that he will support me and help me. Here's the problem, he doesn't understand how that because I was abused, I don't have any trust. (BTW, It was by a family member). And he's so hung up on the past that he won't give me a chance to have that trust in him. He is so mad about it and we fight constantly. He's even told his dad about the trust issue which really hurts me that he went as far as to involve family. I don't know what to do. We will be together again in a little over three weeks and think that maybe some of this will go away. I am so lost