[probwmother]

I dont know where to begin... I am in my 40s now and havent been able to have any kind of relationship with my mother. The two of us get in heated fights. I believe she starts them with an ugly comment first. I have never ben able to dress right, do anything right with her, and whats worse is I answer her insults back!! I could give specific examples of what I think is cruelty coming from a mother, and I have to admit.... I fight the fire with fire where shes concerned. Heres whats bothering me... I believe that after one of these verbal arguments take place she twists the story and tells it to siblins, etc to favor her. In fact I know so because I have heard from brothers and sisters just how awful it was to make my mom cry over such and such a visit. I think my mom is in denial about her behavior, and I think my siblings are blinded to the fact that she might have some issues ( I do too- I dont know how to deal with her anymore)On one such visit a couple years ago my mom told everyone I needed counseling because I have problems.... this angered me - but here I am looking for help.....I really believe she is a control freak in the worst way. When she married my father she forced him not to have anything to do with his first born, by another woman who left him at the altar...I only found out about my half brother because my sister ended up working with him several years ago, and she started developing an interest in him ( her half brother) so the parents decided to tell us.. I think its very cruel to force someone to ignore his child, and by doing so force me and my siblings to never have the chance to meet him either.. I found out about him in my 30s , and this became another issue I had with her. Actually I think it is the root of my issues with her.I think shes a control freak... she uttterly orders dad around like a sergeant...and he obeys... I believe he does to keep the peace, although I know it gets to him once and awhile. He left the house to visit my sister recently cause "HE HAD TO GET AWAY" She loves you... if you never challenge her, if you agree with her, do what she asks, when she asks, ....Anyhow when she said I needed counseling , and after the anger wore off ...I agreed and thought since my issues are with her, and asked her to join me... she refused... I think she knows I have lots of dirty laundry to air... ( and I am not saying when she insults me I dont verbally fight back without alot of frustration, anger and build up resentment so it gets nasty on both sides).... She refused because shes afraid shes going to have to admit wrongdoing.When I asked her to talk about our issues.... she doesnt want to.... I AM TRYING TO START A FIGHT....with her by asking. To me shes put me in an impossible situation ( I can no longer take her verbal abuse, and I become verbally abusive with her too, but I dont run to siblings and distort what was said to make her look bad.... I do own up to my side of these issues....anyhow its pointless to go to therapy regarding her.... because shes not there to own up to her half of the issues......in fact shes at home spreading how wicked and evil I am to the siblings who are blinded to her, ( for the most part.... some have had issues with her treatment of Dad themselves).... living in denial..... and I am here over 100 miles away.... planning on not returning.......... because I am sick to death of trying to resolve issues with a control freak, living in denial...... I guess I am trying to deal with guilt over resentment of Mom, and how this makes it impossible to have any relationship ever with siblings who are blinded by her, or too afraid to say what they must see- her issues...or to afraid to" go there "cause she is OUR MOTHER............and I have the religious issue too- HONOR thy father and thy mother- I cant honor MY MOTHER...........and I fear my regret will haunt me when they (parents) die.... And also she has gotten rid of another threat (besides my half brother) to her illusion of a happy little perfect life......... ME............ Please help

[Zenobia]

I would start by suggesting on getting a book like Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie. It may help you sort out the way your relationship functions and why you and your mother do what you do. Once you learn more about the dynamics of the relationship it may be easier to change your part in it.

Until then I would suggest that you step out of the cycle you have with your mom. If she says something that hurts simply say "Mom, it hurts me when I hear that." Then change the subject. If she won't let you change the subject tell her simply "Mom, I can't talk like this anymore, it hurts me too much." Then hang up the phone or walk out of the house. You don't have to take her verbal abuse.

I also suggest that you do seek a therapist. They are great at giving suggestions on how to deal with difficult people in your life. They understand the causes and affects of these relationships and know the best way to diffuse them.

Good luck!
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[probwmother]

Thanks Carrie,
I have already asked her to stop... constantly disagreeing with everything I say, rolling her eyes, criticizing the way I dress- too dressed up, too slobby ( not going out to eat with you in my hometown... embarrassed by your dress) , Christmas presents I bring home.... even a computer and printer for them (parents) ...She said "I didnt want one, was going to buy it myself later,etc etc etc" (NOT... they couldnt afford it, and they believed a computer was too hard to learn at their age )... she criticizes gifts I buy for siblings.... on and on... til I threaten to take her gifts back...... then she tells ONLY .... that I was going to remove the gifts.. to the others. She doesnt tell what inspired me to want to remove the gifts.When I went to college she said" Its a whim, you will drop out in a year" If I have any disagreements with a sibling she defends them fiercely, and belittles me.I am diabetic, and when I first found out I was taking meds that lowered my blood sugar..to a dangerously low level . told her this and her only response was " WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT???" snarely. Last weekend I sold stuff out of my storage unit at a sale. It sold extremely cheaply. I said " I should have burnt it, rather than give it away She said" Thats stupid!!!"" I am not even allowed to have feelings. They are invalidated. After years and years of this .and absolutely no support ... and trying to talk to her , but having her refuse... I HAVE LEFT THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Zenobia]

Sometimes that is the only way. Remember, you can't change her, you can only change yourself and the way you deal with her. That may mean avoiding her when don't feel strong enough to deal with her and when you feel like you can deal with her don't put up with her attacks. Just be a broken record repeating over and over "when I hear words spoken like that it hurts me. I will no longer put up with being hurt." Use only I statements, practice in front of the mirror or to a tree in the park. It is hard to learn to use "I" statements and it does need a lot of practicing.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[Zenobia]

By the way, I am going to be practicing those "I" statements for the next few days because next Thursday I am am going to be in the same house as both my mom and sister. They both say hurtful things and think they are funny. "I don't feel like that story about my childhood is funny. I think it is rather sad and about a very hurt child." Practice practice practice. I can do this, I know I can.
Carrie

PS everyone prepare for a lot of whining from me when I get back next sunday. Ha ha.

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[probwmother]

You seem farther than I in dealing with this.... I AM still resentful..... and also it all seems like a little CRAZYMAKING with me....If you met her you would think her wonderful.... IF I taped conversations throughout life with her.... YOU would think CARRIE (Stephen King movie and book) had it good !!!!!!!!!!!.. and thats why siblings side with her.... for the most part....

[Zenobia]

I have been working on it for a few years. At one point I didn't talk to my mom for over six months and that was only because my husband goofed and said I was home. I never answered my phone because I couldn't stand the thought of talking to any of my relatives. Every time I spoke to them I would become severely depressed and usually had a very bad self injury episode. Unfortunately my T explained to me that I probably wouldn't get past a stuck spot in therapy if I didn't deal with my family one way or another. I hated him for a few weeks after he said that. But my trust in him won out and I started making the attempt to learn to change my responses to my family. It doesn't happen in a day, a month or even a year but as you learn new ways to respond things get gradually better for you. It is up to your mother to make her own life better. Don't think of it as a specific goal, that your relationship will be perfect. That is too overwhelming and probably not realistic. Instead think of it as a series of steps and consentrate on the first step. You have to decide what your first step will be. That is why I suggest getting books on the subject because as you read you learn more options for solving your problem. Of course I have the tendency to believe that you can do anything you put your mind to as long as you have the right book.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[Peanut61]

Two things I knew for sure after my Mom killed herself: 1) I DID love her, despite everything, (and there was lots), and 2) I am my mother's daugher, (and that this isn't always the horrifying realization that I once imagined it would be). Hope you can work things thru so that it's not toxic for you and you can still have a relationship with your Mom. One way or another, at some time or another, we usually are forced to deal with it, so why not now. I say this with compassion and wish you the best of luck with this. Warmest regards. :-)

[probwmother]

Its a love hate relationship..... I do love her wouldnt want anything bad to happen to her, but I cant stand being around her, and you are right....you cant change people..... and I cant stand being around her..... I am thinking more and more...... I LEFT FOR THE LAST TIME..... this happens all the time in life.... sometimes you gotta divorce your relatives..... if its just too insane too be around them......